I'm more or less writing this because im in a grouchy mood and i don't feel sleepy yet i'd really rather not be awake.
on facebook
people have the stupid fucking ideas.
example:
"Why Not...INBOX ONLY: 2010 is almost over. Confess something you have always wanted to tell me or ask me.(100% private) put this as your status, you might be surprised."
People post these things
because they are fishing for compliments. They are holding out hope in their heart that maybe they can get a little boost in self-esteem because maybe someone will send them a message telling of a secret year long secret crush said someone has been harboring for them.
Chances are that won't fucking happen
but you can always tell yourself
that maybe there is someone who has a secret crush on you.
maybe there are several people
but they don't have the guts to tell you.
why the fuck does the end of the year mean anything anyway?
Why would someone tell something someone just because it was the end of the year. it's not the last chance they'll have. they'll still have to deal with the consequences/lack there of consequences regardless of when said secret is told.
i mean
i could see if it was like
the end of the fucking world.
for your own sake, obviously, for closure before you die.
but then again if you don't get closure
you'll be dead soon anyway so you won't have to deal with it.
sometimes i just want to rip hopes like the above mentioned hope of a secret crush apart.
by sending a message to those people who are so obviously in need of attention and compliments even though they pretend like they're just bored
that is completley opposite to what they'd hoped for.
because it wouldn't be fucking bullshit.
that's all people interact with anyways. they all just go take piles and piles of bull shit, and smear it all over each other,
the doner flashing a grin that lacks any genuine qualities
and the recipient and grinning back.
you never know when to believe any compliments anymore because people are always giving my bullshit.
the only compliments i believe are ones that come out of no where.
like when me and kayla were sitting on the bench at kennywood
and two woman walked up to us.
they stopped just to tell us
that they thought we were absolutely gorgeous.
it was completely unprovoked and real.
the thing is though, i know i've done it.
i know everyone's done it.
and sure, i kind of resent myself for it.
because i shouldn't be getting any of my self esteem from anybody else.
i know that sounds like some kind of bullshit line they say at a bully assembly in 5th grade, but it's true.
it's stupid, because a human being.
i honestly think it is.
all off it.
all of it and the way it all works.
human being are stupid.
stupid stupid creatures, myself included.
i don't mean to say i don't like my race.
im probably one of the few people who can say genuinely that i really love humans.
because we're good, and we try our best, and make valiant efforts to deal with what we were given.
why the hell is it
that even when im home
there's always that reoccuring thought
"i want to go home"
the only time i don't feel that way is when im with you
because i don't need to go home
because im safe where i am
and im not scared
and i don't need to run away because you can protect me and shield me
and i can curl up in you
and plug my ears and close my eyes tight
and feel relieved.
i don't want to go to sleep but i don't want to be awake.
i don't want to wake up tomorrow
i don't want to be here
i don't want to be there
i don't want to be anywhere
i don't want to be.
unless it's with you
because with you
i don't have to be.
i can escape myself.
i love you. i want to crush myself up in to little bits and fuse with you
so we can be two times as big as we are now
and we can reach some kind of transcendence and knowing and wisdom and understanding and we can reach that cosmic enlightenment that makes us feel ok.
i just wanna go home.
i just wanna be with YOU
