thank you your grace

im sorry im sorry im sorry
im sorry im sorry im sorry
im sorry.


that's the only thing i can think
to say.
my gums are throbbing
i love my cat so much right now
i think i could cry.

They Work So Hard

and i flush it all away.

i need a job
and fast.

i can't take away your money anymore.
you need it to survive
and I'm throwing so much of it away.


my head hurts so bad.

Is gentleness too much for us?

Some days
I really just don't have the stomach to be alive.

I want to take everyone-
EVERYONE
in the whole entire world
and hug them.

Including the people
who are the most mean to others.
Especially them, actually.

Because today, all I want to do is cry.
My head doesn't feel right. It feels like my brain is upside down
and I can't make myself want to do anything
besides going out
and finding everybody who's ever had someone make fun of them
and draping myself over them in fucking tears.

Most of the time, people are good.

But there I days I wish we weren't people
so we could be always good
but then i guess
we wouldn't be as complex or interesting or unique.

This blog is stupid.
I'm stupid.
I hate hockey.
I hate you.
And I wish you'd do something terrible to me so I'd have a legitimate reason.
It's too bad Im' just like her.

I CAN'T

Relax.
Last night when I was laying in my bed
all I kept feeling was like bugs were crawling all over me
and even though
ever time i felt a tickle
i'd checked

whenever I got another
I couldn't help but feel a little panicky.
And when I finally got to sleep
it was the most disturbing thing ever, because some woman was drilling some holes in to my head
and then shoving needles in to my neck
only to turn around and pound them in with a hammer.

all to get my hair cut
which she trimmed entirely too short
leaving me scared because i thought I'd have to walk around with holes in my head
but when my father finally showed to pick me up, he told me it looked nice
and the next thing i knew
i was in some fucking crazy futuristic looking metro station or something, passing lights, and going through weird tunnels, and arriving at the platform that was indicative of something I'd imagine one would see in Japan.

Sometimes, before i go to sleep
I start to hear voices too.
In my head, that just come out of no where whenever I don't feel like I'm even thinking.
and most of the time, I really like them because there are times when they say things in such a soft dean martin like voice that i could really just listen to forever.

and im sure it's just me slipping in and out of a sleep state or something
or my brain processing what's been going on throughout the day
even though I feel entirely conscious
at least i know i'm not crazy.
But i really wish I could just stay there in that state forever some days.
So I could hear the voice of someone
who isn't challenging me with their own opinions
and so I don't feel compelled to make anyone else understand or take on mine.

I don't feel good today.
Not physically, but mentally.
I'm tired of waking up with no goddam patience.
and never knowing why.
I'm tired of being under constant scrutiny

and of everything being counterproductive.
i'm tired of indecision
and I want to run the hell away
even though eventually my brain would catch up with me
at least maybe I could have a little escape.

I don't want people to make my life difficult for me
because life is so fucking simple
and really
that's why I don't usually want to be around anyone
because I care too much about them
and it's just too fucking draining
to have to try to figure out
how to make others happy
and yourself happy
both individually
AND simultaneously.

Not to mention the fact that
nine times out of ten
my conscience gets in the way
and i end up being the miserable one just because I feel bad about making someone else feel miserable.
And I don't care what anybody says
when I have certain standard that I hold myself too
nobody can convince me to abandon it.
which is neither a good or bad thing. it just is. and it's unarguable.
i can't be a bad girl.
because i don't want to be.
but that doesn't mean i can't have fun.

and see
the thing that sucks about this whole entire post
is that there's a good chance
someone will take it personally.
someone will warp it to be all about themselves when its not about anybody in particular at all.
so even when im sitting here
just sifting through the crap in my head
and trying to get it out in some form of organization
I still have to think
"WHAT IF SOMEONE TAKES THIS PERSONALLY!?"

if i could remember how to private this i would.
but i know a lot of people don't read this anyway
and its a place where no one can pick it up off of the floor in my room.
so it's going here with the knowledge that it's meant for me.
and if people read it
then so be it.
it's not like anyone can actually understand what ANYONE is thinking at ANY given moment any way.

A girl

next to us at the Gas Station
made me want to cry today.

i wanted to give her a hug
and tell her i know how hard is.

i don't smoke.
i don't like it personally.
but i know why she does.
and i know why she bought everything she bought.

and i hate myself for it
but i'm jealous of her
even though i know
she probably doesn't even think she's worthy of anyone's jealousy.

i'm not fucking crazy.
but it sucks that everybody thinks i am.

what sucks even more
is that this is why i hate my human nature.
if i could just exist using knowledge
instead of instinct
this would't be a problem for me.
it wouldn't be a problem for anybody



ah well.
who cares.
at least today was ok all in all.
i missed a beautiful boy though.
and i wish i'd gone to the arts festival like he did.

Its been a lovely morning

IF ALIEN'S EXIST AND DRIVE AIRCRAFTS TO OUR PLANET
I HOPE THEY CHOOSE TO ABDUCT ME SOMEDAY

For the most part.

I rode my bike down to the thrift store today to take care of the cat's there.
Me and Ryan discussed hoping that when we became old women
we hoped our lives didn't revolve around cats
and that we wouldn't buy ugly pink shirts with obnoxious flowers on them, just because it's only a quarter.

Really it doesn't make sense for Ryan though.
Because he isn't a female, so that shouldn't be a problem.

Speaking of flowers
whenever i was little
i used to denounce the very idea and concept of flowers.
So today my mother was telling me about some bathing suits she saw in a window at macy's
and how she thought they'd look really cute on me
but then she saw they had flowers
so she knew i wouldn't wear them.
Now, there are two really adorable things about this.
One being that I really do like flowers now, because I think they look quaint, and elegant, and old, and indicative of a yellowing pattern found on an apron from the year 1940. Not to mention the fact that it always manages to blow my mind to think of such a thing forming out of something growing from the ground.

Additionally, it's really cute, that she thinks I could wear a bathing suit in general.

I'm not going to lie though, I thought it was sweet she's remembered all these years.

Anyways...
Today's a day where I can be comfortable in my own skin to an extent.
That is to say,
when I'm out in the sunshine,
and when i can buy diet soda and gum,
I can look around, and be fulfilled using my eyes.

So I'm suddenly not so concerned with trying to turn myself in a better person.
Because there's no guilt involved in admiring things that automatically make your heart flutter.

I'm sure if I wasn't so focues on turning myself in to a better person
it would happen automatically or some stupid shit like that.
I know all the tricks of the trade
and all the truth filled garbage sayings that everybody pukes in to their children's bodies.

I understand all the damn contradictions,
and the reasons,
and when I pose questions
usually I have a pretty good idea of an answer in my head.

It's just that I don't believe any of it.
There are too many possibilities to settle on one wise epiphany
so I prefer to keep Epiphany plentiful,
so one day,
I can carry them around on rosary beads
that I've changed from representing god
to representing possibility.

I don't like the idea of a god.

Really, I don't.
I mean I do to an extent.
Like, I like the god I think of when I look at the sky
and I imagine he's giving us a gift by making the sun shine through the clouds.
And I like the god I think of
that sees us all as precious.
But sometimes, religion in all
seems too unnecessarily certain to me
not to mention the fact
that the god in so many religions, seems sort of deviant and deceptive
and out to make us show how really terrible we are compared to him.

I want to be a good person because in my eyes
when we look at where we are the in the grand scheme of things
the idea of the human population is just so damned precious, and adorable, and naive.
(REDUNDANCY)
And we're all just operating the way we were programmed.

So really
the only way to make sure more people have less of that pain of being unhappy
is treat everybody really spectacularly.

Not so I can get in to heaven.
Not because people are made in God's image and likeness.

But just because .

I'm not saying I think religion is a terrible thing.
I mean, some people need the idea of a God.
Which isn't good, or bad, or smart, or stupid or anything.
It's just something they need to help them get through life in peace.
Hell
In all honestly, a part of me hopes he's real.

But there are other people out there
that can be ok with the idea of incomprehensible things.
Like everything
always just being
without ever being created.

The only reason it seems so far fetched
is because on earth
it isn't possible.
But in the grand scheme of existence,
earth is just one tiny little minuscule portion of existence.
So who's to say what could and couldn't be anywhere else?

Perhaps someone. Perhaps no one.

This whole thing is making me remember a quote I once read.
"I don't try to imagine a personal god; it suffices to stand in awe at the structure of the world, insofar as it allows our inadequate senses to appreciate it." -Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein used to be one of the people I hated most.
Or rather
I hated the idea of what I thought he was.

Just some man comming up with man made information using man made words to describe the way the world could be.
I hated how he called Atoms, Atoms,
and how he called Protons, Protons
like it was indisputable.

I don't dispute that what they call Atoms exist.
But what are they really?
Just something we decided to name Atoms.
Do we know what they're made of? Well we can see what they're made of theoretically.
But what are protons and neutrons, and electrons?

Hell

what are rocks, and sediment, and sand, and coal, and leaves, and dark matter, and gravity??

All we really know
is that they are I suppose.
Or maybe we do know more.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm right.
Maybe both statements are wrong.
Maybe both are right.

But the thing is,
that's why
I used to hate the idea of Albert Einstein.
Before I discovered that he actually had something of a philisophical mind.

I came across that quote
when I was looking for something to help me describe my beliefs.
And now I think it's safe to say
that Albert Einstein
though one's typical idea of a logical scientist
was very open minded indeed.

I'm boring myself now.
Or rather, I'm just getting tired of trying to put my thoughts in to words.
Arevoi.




I've figured out why I hate human nature by the way;
Human nature is what's keeping my curse tied around my tummy.
Human nature is what's keeping my destruction
Human nature is what's making me want to perfect the imperfections I recognize that everybody has.
That's why I hate human nature.
Because it overrides any knowledge I might have
and forces me
in to a state irrevocable dissatisfaction
which ultimately
ties me down to an hour glass
who's space for dropping sand
is a little bigger
than it should have been.

I don't want to blog anymore

I'm selfish with my feelings and thoughts
and I only want to share them
with people who can't comprehend them
so I stay smarter than all of you.
because i'm just the same as the rest of the world.

i'm a human being
and i want to be something
and it's disgusting.

why can't i just stop trying to BE something to myself.
why can't i just like myself without working towards anything?
why does it piss me off when i feel like people take my ideas
and write them as their own.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.
THEY'RE NOT YOURS YOU STUPID GIRLS.
THEY'RE FUCKING MINE BUT EVERYBODY WHO READS WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WILL THINK THAT YOU'RE THE ENLIGHTENED ONE, WHEN REALLY YOU'RE ONLY ENLIGHTENED BECAUSE YOU THINK I AM.

and im not.
nobody fucking it.
jesus christ, i don't want to care.
i'm so arrogant.
arrogance is disgusting.
it's foul.
it's decay, and sin, and shit.
even though shit doesn't exist.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
right wrong, nothing is
FUCK nothing, isn't.
REDUNDANT

I shouldn't let you make me want to KILL YOU.
I shouldn't let you make me want to see you dead.
Because you're nothing.
You're just a stupid person.
And people are only significant because WE'RE people.
Human Nature.
REDUNDANT.

But I do fucking hate you.
I hate anybody who thinks they have the right to something without earning it. REDUNDANT.
ARROGANT=ME. I don't fucking want to be.
I can't decipher when I am, and when I'm not.
I can't decipher anything about myself. Because logic may or may not be useful.
REDUNDANT REDUNDANT REDUNDANT.
Miranda, nothing is, because you never know, if any of it can be deciphered. Why?
BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE IS LOGIC AND EVEN THIS ISN'T RIGHT OR WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE COMMING TO THE CONCLUSION USING LOGIC.