dear everything,

i miss you.
i want you all back.
every little thing.

Hahahaha

it never ceases to amaze me
when someone i never even thought of as male
requests sex with me.

hilarious.
and sad making.

oh, hi.

you're sick.
your nails are falling out, and sticking to your feet
because the skin on them are disintegrating due to confusion.
it's hard to remember what gravity is supposed to feel like
when you defy it so very often.

but i'm used to it by now,
so my eyes glaze over,
and get covered in sugar or salt of something so i can't even see
and it's easier that way.

you know
a year after that fuckin crock bit my leg off
it was pretty much all i thought about
but i've gotten used to this prosthetic leg
and now it's just goddamn boring.

thank you for talking to me the other day.
i really miss the hell out of you darling.
i forget to let myself be happy sometimes, and you remind me of all those wonderful times we had.
jackie said
if i don't go to college right after school though,
i'll have to pay for it.
i don't know what to do though.
i'm really torn, because i never felt more at peace with the future
then i did when we talked about me leaving.
it was the first time that panicky feeling left my chest, and i felt like i could breathe.

i want something to love.
this is all very boring.

i will never truely be happy

i'm not doing this anymore.
i'm going to find a way to feel the way i want too.
even though i don't know what that feeling is.

i'm tired of the same relentless longing for another one.
that's the only feeling i have.
sometimes, i wish i knew how to help myself better.
sometimes, i wish i'd realize, that there's no help needed, and therefore, none to give.

i wish somebody would know more than somebody else.
but it seems like it never works that way.
it seems like nobody knows anymore than anybody else.

houstin, we have a problem

today, i met a boy named houston.
he was a traveling hipster kid
and when i walked past him and his band of goons
he told me i was cute.

i told him he was cute too, because he was.
i liked so much that he said that and continued to say that every time i happened to be near
because all the time
i feel like shouting out to people that they're cute
and would like it so much
if everyone in the world
just shouted out and told the person
whenever they found someone cute.
it makes everyone feel great.

but then i guess
you'd probably feel really bad if no one ever called it out and said it to you
because people wouldn't be afraid to do that in this world if they really thought you were cute
and then
you'd think you were ugly.

but i think everyone's cute.
what i mean is, everyone's endearing to me.
appealing to me in a small way.

i hugged him. because he said "come over here and give me a hug"
i love hugging people.
it was wonderful.
he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him
and both of us meant it
because both of us really do love everybody.

yeah, i know i'm fucking immature;
but so is everyone else in the world, so i'm not worried about it.
how do you know if you're mature enough
to be able to properly recognize maturity?

i need easiness.
i'm too tired to do this right now.

Before I Die

I want to have had millions conversations with millions of people.
Not just any conversations though.
Conversations that make them feel better.
Conversations that allow them to feel passionate about something with another person.
Conversations that make their mind race, and their hearts soar.
Conversations where those feelings are felt by both participants simultaneously.

my thighs are so red and hot
and my back stings,
and i have so many bruises and cuts on my legs.
my hair is so curly
my face is all freckled.

i feel so happy
and i've never wanted to leave this place any more in my entire life.
i feel so good.
and i know that if i just left, and kept going in the sun, forever
i'd find what i was looking for. maybe what i'm looking for is everything.
maybe i have a hunger to see more and more and more and more.
i'd canoe down rivers and stub my toes on rocks
and ride the currents in crisp clean water
surrounded by huge mountains.

i want somebody to love.
somebody to really love.
somebody i'm so in awe over
someone so incredible and heart breakingly perfect
that every time i see them
i think "how the fuck did i get so lucky?"

i want that person to feel the same way about me.

and then...
i want to wander forever.

my brothers are at pizza hut.
i'm not because i'm not hungry, and because Ryan hates me.
i cried about it, and he didn't care, which was good, because i didn't want him just to care out of pity. he read my last blog, and knew part of it was directed at him.
i was supposed to be a good sister.
but i'm not.

i never realized until yesterday
how paranoid i am.
how nervous everything makes me.
i never thought of myself as a nervous person.
but the more i think about it, the more everything makes me uneasy.
i thought, that i'd somehow magically started a fire in the forest today on accident.
as i was walking home,
a big red fucking fire engine turns up the street, and heads towards the park. i don't know if it went there or not, but i almost had a heart attack. and i started thinking about how they would find me DNA there, and pin me for it.
i felt like everyone was watching me, and i didn't know it.
like everyone was in on the fact
that all the authorities are after me.
that they were all told not to say anything.
i'm afraid of leaving my house.

sure sounds like a guilty conscience, doesn't it?
the funny thing is, if i think logically, i can't think of anything I've done wrong.
but then i start wondering if i did something really terrible that i'm just not remembering.
maybe i did something really terrible that i didn't know was wrong.
maybe i did something really terrible that i'm in denial about.
maybe i did something really terrible, and i just didn't know it.

i hate you. and it's good because you hate me. actually, i hate you because you hate me.
anything i say, you'll figure out a way to hate, even if you wouldn't have hated it
had it come from somebody else.