when you're hungry
you have to starve

when you're satiated
you have to eat

when you're cold
the gass is off

and when you're warm
the sun keeps getting closer
and closer.

did you know the moon is getting farther away?
if nothing else ends the human race, that fact along definitely will.
it's slowing us down
and there's really something very exciting about that but i can't quite get a fix on it.
the strangest things excite me
things that put existence in to perspective
things that make me feel alive
and make me want to die
just so i can laugh at myself for ever thinking i was a force to be reckoned with.
i don't mean that in a suicidal way, i mean it in the sense that
it's so exciting to me that i could be so easily destroyed
and yet somehow, my fragile little frame is so perfectly constructed that i'm incredibly efficient.

these relativity light sticks that hold up snail sludge we call muscle, form together with all these incredible compounds to somehow make a "person" with "consciousness" and it's just so exciting and funny to me that i'm so breakable-
that we're all so breakable
and yet our worlds are so small, and focused, and used to being what we've always been,
that no one even stops to realize how fragile we are.

the world is not the earth of which we live
i think it's more of a symbolic term that means "everything we are aware of".
i try to keep things in perspective.
and i try not lose myself focusing on the important things in my world
but i'm a human being, and i need to learn to be ok with that.

on another note it has come to my attention as of late

that i do not know how to be the kind of friend that many people who seek my friendship require me to be.

it could be that i'm entirely too focused on myself

or

it could be

that i genuinely lack the physically energy i would need

to put effort in to relationships.

they tire me

they bore me

and they're so difficult.

i don't have to work at the relationships with the people that fit me.

if i don't talk to these people for a couple of days

a couple of weeks

or a couple of months

they know i don't hate them.

they know i still enjoy their company.

and they know that i care about them even when i don't act like it.

a perfect example is my cousin vanessa.

she doesn't contact me for months at a time

and i don't contact her for months at a time.

we can talk seriously but neither of us really talk seriously with anyone for the most part,

so we generally don't.

i'm so close to her

and i only talk to her during the summer

but every time she comes in to town

i feel just as close to her as i always have.

another prime example is this ridiculously wonderful boy

who i want to talk too all the time;

who doesn't wear me out;

who isn't an effort to be with or talk too;

who i can be completely comfortable with

and content with

instead of being two downers.

i have the hiccups for the 3rd fucking time today

and i miss the most wonderful boy in the world.

i'm ill,

i'm miserable and i just want to be with him.

why is it almost 1 o'clock?

HAHAHAHAHA

this is so silly.
im done :)


i love you ♥

did it ever occur to you

THAT THE THINGS I WRITE IN MY BLOG AREN'T FUCKING ABOUT YOU?

you think i care so much about you

but you're the one assuming the things i write about are about you when they aren't you fucking crazy bitch.

it's a little sad.

the things i said in my blog were directed at ME

i was telling mySELF i didn't need it anymore you dumb fucking cunt.

why the fuck are you even reading my blog?

i don't read yours.

in fact i wouldn't have even seen your stupid fucking blog

if i hadn't been clued in by a so called friend of yours.

I

dont care about

YOU

and this is the first and last time im ever going to reply to you, you petty little shit, because you're fucking worthless

and not worth my goddamn time.

live your fantasies about me stalking you elsewhere;

why the fuck would i want to waste my life away wishing i was some stupid little drowned rat looking cunt with no redeeming personality traits what so fucking ever.

AT LEAST I CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE

AT LEAST I CARE IF I HURT OTHER PEOPLE

AT LEAST I THINK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MYSELF TWENTY FOUR FUCKING SEVEN

and at least

i'm not angry at everything and everyone for no reason.

you're a self-pitying, pathetic, arrogant, egotistical little fucking bitch

but i love you

because i love everybody and im going to hope that one day

things will get better for you

just like i hope

for everyone who's unhappy

that things get better for them

because i have some fucking empathy.

because i would never want to make someone feel as shitty as i know some people can make others feel.

because i know enough about being a human

to know that it's unpleasant when people are unpleasant to me

and i wouldn't want to do to someone what i don't like having done to me

it's the golden fucking rule.

not because of religion--

because it makes sense.

___________________________

on another note,

i will always love you, girl

and i have a feeling you hate me now

but i don't hate you.

i think we really did just grow apart

and thats OK because it happens in life.

i don't want any bad blood and i want things for you

to be as perfect as you can make them be.

hey go

i miss you.

come be here.

you're the only one i trust.

because i don't have to put any effort in to it.

i want to sing. i want to sing.

i want to take a nap.

i don't want to make chicken, or to eat anything

and i don't like mint gum as much as i like fruity gum and all my mountain dew's gone

and i have to pee

and i'm so glad i don't have to put any energy in to that one thing anymore because it was really just too much.

i want to go back to art class and make something beautiful.

i want to eat eat eat eat eat eat eat.

why

why don't you just stop it?

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO SHOVE DOWN

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO METAPHORICALLY PURGE FROM YOUR SYSTEM.

YOU ARE FINE AND YOU DON'T NEED IT YOU FAT FUCK.

i miss you.

i love you.

but you;

you're horrible.

you could never comprehend how sorry i am.

i don't want this tot be my year again.

i want to grab the wheel

and veer back twords the road instead of

off of the cliff.

i was heading to your birthday party

and my birthday party

where we would smile and laugh and celebrate out lives

i wasn't heading to your funeral

or my funeral

and i'm not dreading the end of the journey anymore.

why are my wheels still tilted to the left?

my fingers are shaking and i can write this because

there's nothing left in me.

i emptied out my tank of gas again

so i could go.

somehow it doesn't seem like that makes much sense.

i sold my car for gas money.

i know you're crazy and an enabler

but i need your help cottonhead.

i need your help to avoid alpha and omegas lighting bolts.

i don't want them to hate me

and you can help me

if you can help her destroy herself.

you can help me better myself

if you can help her destroy herself.

if i could always be with you

and if we could always be lying with our faces to the sky

reflecting us like a mirror

so i could watch you kiss my neck and gaze at me

i think i would always be ok.

why

am i such a piece of shit?

why am i such a little piece of fucking garbage.

what are you doing?

WHY?
STOP IT WHAT THE FUCK YOU PROMISED YOU ASSHOLE

it IS a moral lapse.

i hate myself

the problem is

i'm curious about a lot of things.
i'm curious about a lot of people.
i remember the names of my brother's classmates from 3rd grade in Catholic School.
i'm fascinated by the specimen that is the human being.
it's not that i want to know everyone or talk to everyone
but its fascinating to me to look at people the way we look at other animals.
i like to see how people react to things
and i like to see how people deal with things
and i like to see who they present themselves as
and interpret the things they say.
i'm not ashamed
and i'm not afraid
but i did creep out someone today from elementary school
((thus the basis for this blog))
because of course
although i remembered them,
they didn't remember me
and they seemed pretty annoyed and asked if i was stalking them or something
but the truth is i stalk pretty much everyone, especially people I'm trying to figure out after not seeing them for a while.
i like puzzles.
especially ones that literally CANNOT be put together.
i like to see what i can make without the right pieces.
it's a pastime or something. anyone elementary school person, i'm sorry.