when you're hungry
you have to starve

when you're satiated
you have to eat

when you're cold
the gass is off

and when you're warm
the sun keeps getting closer
and closer.

did you know the moon is getting farther away?
if nothing else ends the human race, that fact along definitely will.
it's slowing us down
and there's really something very exciting about that but i can't quite get a fix on it.
the strangest things excite me
things that put existence in to perspective
things that make me feel alive
and make me want to die
just so i can laugh at myself for ever thinking i was a force to be reckoned with.
i don't mean that in a suicidal way, i mean it in the sense that
it's so exciting to me that i could be so easily destroyed
and yet somehow, my fragile little frame is so perfectly constructed that i'm incredibly efficient.

these relativity light sticks that hold up snail sludge we call muscle, form together with all these incredible compounds to somehow make a "person" with "consciousness" and it's just so exciting and funny to me that i'm so breakable-
that we're all so breakable
and yet our worlds are so small, and focused, and used to being what we've always been,
that no one even stops to realize how fragile we are.

the world is not the earth of which we live
i think it's more of a symbolic term that means "everything we are aware of".
i try to keep things in perspective.
and i try not lose myself focusing on the important things in my world
but i'm a human being, and i need to learn to be ok with that.

on another note it has come to my attention as of late

that i do not know how to be the kind of friend that many people who seek my friendship require me to be.

it could be that i'm entirely too focused on myself

or

it could be

that i genuinely lack the physically energy i would need

to put effort in to relationships.

they tire me

they bore me

and they're so difficult.

i don't have to work at the relationships with the people that fit me.

if i don't talk to these people for a couple of days

a couple of weeks

or a couple of months

they know i don't hate them.

they know i still enjoy their company.

and they know that i care about them even when i don't act like it.

a perfect example is my cousin vanessa.

she doesn't contact me for months at a time

and i don't contact her for months at a time.

we can talk seriously but neither of us really talk seriously with anyone for the most part,

so we generally don't.

i'm so close to her

and i only talk to her during the summer

but every time she comes in to town

i feel just as close to her as i always have.

another prime example is this ridiculously wonderful boy

who i want to talk too all the time;

who doesn't wear me out;

who isn't an effort to be with or talk too;

who i can be completely comfortable with

and content with

instead of being two downers.

i have the hiccups for the 3rd fucking time today

and i miss the most wonderful boy in the world.

i'm ill,

i'm miserable and i just want to be with him.

why is it almost 1 o'clock?