sorting the contents :P

lately ive been very rapidly been switching back in forth, both emotionally and mentally, and it's so goddamn confusing and i don't understand it at all, or why it's happening. all i know is that it's driving me crazy, and i want it to stop. it's like in one moment i know how i feel and what i want and feel ok. and the next second, i have no idea what i'm feeling, and i start questioning myself and it scares me so i start to get really panicky and end up wanting to just fucking kill myself because it's the only thing that sounds even remotely appealing. it's like my wants won't match up with my feelings. they come out of allignment so i start to feel like i don't want certain things at that moment but it upsets me because in my mind i actually DO want them. and i know these things i actually still, in my heart, want to do, it's just that i'm so disconnected from myself that i don't feel anything at all.

for example:

i really want to make something of myself. become independent. have a life. get a job and pay my bills because i need something to work too, and that's what society says i have to do.

which i don't mind as long as you're with me

but then there are times

where i think about doing all that

even with you there

and i know i still want to do it

but i don't FEEL like i want to do it.

i feel like i just want to cry and curl up in to ball with you, or kill myself

because i've realized

when i get like that

i literally don't feel like doing anything because i'm not

IN myself enough to experience any impact on my emotions

it's like i've left my body, my concious mind or soul

and ive left my brain and organs behind

and they're still functioning.

emotions are still happening

and they let me know that i want something or don't want something

i can see what emotion my body reacts to things with

but i don't feel that emotion and it confuses me so terribly and absolutely terrifies me so that i don't even know which way is up or down and it's completely fucking horrible.

all i want is to feel.

when i feel, i'm ok.

which brings me to another anomaly that's really been bothering me lately

only not really. it's like my brain says it should bother me but it doesn't really trouble me.

weird things will start to feel appealing out of no where

and things that once sounded appealing will suddenly sound ridiculously unappealing.

the only thing that's stayed appealing is you, baby. and im so thankful for that because you're absolutely my life line and if i couldn't feel for you, i'd be so fucking distraught.

SO fucking distraught. because i love you so much, and you ground me and bring me back to earth and help me feel again and im so incredibly thankful for you.

but other things, my opinions have been randomly flopping back and forth on

like cigarettes will sometimes seem suddenly trashy and/or disgusting. and i'll think about them and get depressed.

and then the next second they'll sound appealing. the idea of them and all.

another thing is

i haven't really liked the idea of certain body modifications on me despite liking how they look on other people. i usually think i'd look un-classy or something and dirty and cliche and fucking annoying hipster-esque asshole-ish.

but today i was thinking about it

and i can not tell you how appealing the idea of gauging my ears, piercing my lip or something, getting a daisy or sunflower tattoo on the side of my neck, and dreading some of my hair sounds.

it sounds SO goddamn appealing and it's so out of the blue because for so long those things didn't sound the least bit appealing at all.

another thing that i've recently flipflopped on; California. California normally bores the fuck out of me; it's cliche, there's too many pot smoking assholes there, too many dumbass hippies/hipsters, and too many liberal extremists.

I don't know how long it's going to last, but for whatever reason, I wouldn't rather be anywhere in the world but there.

And i have absolutely no idea why, but I meant it when I texted you baby, and said I wanted to go out there with you and sing to you playing the acoustic guitar.

right now, all i want to do with my life is make music.

make music for free, and bring joy to people and making people happy and give hope back to people annd to inspire awe of liffe in to people. that's all i want. and i want to do it with you baby. i want to wear a flowy dress, annd get freckles on my shoulders, and wear sandles everywhere. i want to see you with a five o clock shadow and i want to wander aimlessly and have no real home but just stay with good people that are happy and kind and just GOOD every single night. Pure and good. No pot smoking, drinking, cigarette holding "naturalists"

REAL happy people who don't need any of those things

and WE won't need any of those things and it would be so incredibly wonderful and i would love it so incredibly much.

then we could have a baby and he or she could walk around with us and grow up learning to appreciate being alive. we can raise a beautiful and wise, wide eyed little child that glows with purity and goodness, as untainted as any person could possibly come when living in this world and be happy.

i don't want to ever stop moving. i don't want to ever sit somewhere, i just want to keep moving, and going and if i had my way sometimes

like right at this very moment

i'd spend my life in the air. on a plane.

going from flight to flight seeing as much of the earth as i could see because it would never get old and i would never see the same thing twice and it would be so goddamn fulfilling, and it would be even more-so fulfilling because you'd be there with me, taking it all in with me, and appreciating it the same as me, undistracted by the falicies of this "everyday life" we as a society has made up.

i can honestly say that that is all i fucking want right now.

there's a good chance that it'll change by tomorrow

but i know one thing that won't change-

i want you, Jonathan Charles Melchert, right there with me.

Because with you there, everything will be all the more fulfilling.

i love you Jonathan <3