i decided id write here today, because i need to write and i dont want to do it anywhere else. word pad feels dead and horrible. my journal feels dead and horrible. tumblr is just plain dead and horrible. and so im turning back to this old thing in hopes of maybe helping myself.

the truth is, im really feeling like shit right now. im sitting in stover, upstairs next to a window, and it's absolutely miserable. its gloomy out-not cloudy exactly, but a little bit overcast, and something about the way the trees are moving in the wind is so goddamn depressing. i feel like i can't open up my eyes all the way, and the lighting in this room is dim and yellow and shitty.

there are some people here, and right now, i hate all of them, even though i don't have a reason too. they're all making me feel sad and lonely. i'm almost mad at them for being so different from me. i know it's illogical but pretty much 90% of my emotions these days are illogical and ignoring them doesn't work so instead i'm going to acknowledge them.

im waiting for touring choir to get over and for Jon to come back here. I feel bad though. I hate feeling this way because it's fucking hell on me

but i also hate feeling this way because i don't want him to have to deal with it. i know he loves me and he wants to help me but i don't want him to have to deal with me. i just want to go curl up somewhere and hide until i feel a little less like dying. maybe cry a little bit. i don't want him to think he doesn't help me because he DOES. even if it doesn't seem like it, he really truly does. the best thing for me when i feel that way is to feel like a baby. if im help, and if i can hold on to someone i love who loves me and close my eyes and ignore the world for a while, i can be ok. i can't control how often i feel this way but i wish i could.

more than anything i wish i could understand it. that's all i want. i am so desperate for it. i'm aching with fucking desire that hurts because i want it so bad. i just want be able to help myself. i just want to be able to make it stop some way. there has to be some way to be able to make it stop.

those two things are constantly on my mind when i feel this way:
why am i feeling this way? what is causing it? is something going on inside of my brain that i don't conciously know about? is there some mutation, some fault, that is making me feel this way? will i ever be able to fix it? what if it's physical, not psychological and what if it can't be fixed? what if my brain is deformed. that has to be it. my brain has to be deformed. ive tried everything to make myself feel better. i've tried everything i'm supposed to try from distracting, to eating, to making lists of things im greatful for, to being mindful and none of it works. I've been on medication after medication after medication after medication and none of it will fix it. I've been in therapy for years now. I've been trying, pushing, doing everything I can do be happy. I've tried ignoring my thoughts, and replacing them with happy ones, but the emotion never changes. It's like the dendrites are getting the wrong message in my brain. it's interpreting all of the electrical impulses in my head as negative ones, one's that should trigger my terminal buttons burst the vesicles that will make me sad. it even interprets the happy thoughts as sad ones, and i continue to feel the same way. i can't control my brain when it decides to do this and i don't understand why. this has to be chemical. this has to be biological. there is no way in hell that my brain can be functioning correctly. I need to figure this out. I need to figure it out and change something. I will devote my whole life to this, to figuring this out, if it means helping someone else who gets to feeling like this. I'll volunteer myself to science. I want them to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my brain because it's not normal for somebody to feel this way, and it's not normal for someone's brain to function this wrong.