i will never truely be happy

i'm not doing this anymore.
i'm going to find a way to feel the way i want too.
even though i don't know what that feeling is.

i'm tired of the same relentless longing for another one.
that's the only feeling i have.
sometimes, i wish i knew how to help myself better.
sometimes, i wish i'd realize, that there's no help needed, and therefore, none to give.

i wish somebody would know more than somebody else.
but it seems like it never works that way.
it seems like nobody knows anymore than anybody else.

houstin, we have a problem

today, i met a boy named houston.
he was a traveling hipster kid
and when i walked past him and his band of goons
he told me i was cute.

i told him he was cute too, because he was.
i liked so much that he said that and continued to say that every time i happened to be near
because all the time
i feel like shouting out to people that they're cute
and would like it so much
if everyone in the world
just shouted out and told the person
whenever they found someone cute.
it makes everyone feel great.

but then i guess
you'd probably feel really bad if no one ever called it out and said it to you
because people wouldn't be afraid to do that in this world if they really thought you were cute
and then
you'd think you were ugly.

but i think everyone's cute.
what i mean is, everyone's endearing to me.
appealing to me in a small way.

i hugged him. because he said "come over here and give me a hug"
i love hugging people.
it was wonderful.
he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him
and both of us meant it
because both of us really do love everybody.

yeah, i know i'm fucking immature;
but so is everyone else in the world, so i'm not worried about it.
how do you know if you're mature enough
to be able to properly recognize maturity?

i need easiness.
i'm too tired to do this right now.

Before I Die

I want to have had millions conversations with millions of people.
Not just any conversations though.
Conversations that make them feel better.
Conversations that allow them to feel passionate about something with another person.
Conversations that make their mind race, and their hearts soar.
Conversations where those feelings are felt by both participants simultaneously.

my thighs are so red and hot
and my back stings,
and i have so many bruises and cuts on my legs.
my hair is so curly
my face is all freckled.

i feel so happy
and i've never wanted to leave this place any more in my entire life.
i feel so good.
and i know that if i just left, and kept going in the sun, forever
i'd find what i was looking for. maybe what i'm looking for is everything.
maybe i have a hunger to see more and more and more and more.
i'd canoe down rivers and stub my toes on rocks
and ride the currents in crisp clean water
surrounded by huge mountains.

i want somebody to love.
somebody to really love.
somebody i'm so in awe over
someone so incredible and heart breakingly perfect
that every time i see them
i think "how the fuck did i get so lucky?"

i want that person to feel the same way about me.

and then...
i want to wander forever.

my brothers are at pizza hut.
i'm not because i'm not hungry, and because Ryan hates me.
i cried about it, and he didn't care, which was good, because i didn't want him just to care out of pity. he read my last blog, and knew part of it was directed at him.
i was supposed to be a good sister.
but i'm not.

i never realized until yesterday
how paranoid i am.
how nervous everything makes me.
i never thought of myself as a nervous person.
but the more i think about it, the more everything makes me uneasy.
i thought, that i'd somehow magically started a fire in the forest today on accident.
as i was walking home,
a big red fucking fire engine turns up the street, and heads towards the park. i don't know if it went there or not, but i almost had a heart attack. and i started thinking about how they would find me DNA there, and pin me for it.
i felt like everyone was watching me, and i didn't know it.
like everyone was in on the fact
that all the authorities are after me.
that they were all told not to say anything.
i'm afraid of leaving my house.

sure sounds like a guilty conscience, doesn't it?
the funny thing is, if i think logically, i can't think of anything I've done wrong.
but then i start wondering if i did something really terrible that i'm just not remembering.
maybe i did something really terrible that i didn't know was wrong.
maybe i did something really terrible that i'm in denial about.
maybe i did something really terrible, and i just didn't know it.

i hate you. and it's good because you hate me. actually, i hate you because you hate me.
anything i say, you'll figure out a way to hate, even if you wouldn't have hated it
had it come from somebody else.

I'm so endlessly tired of being a receiver.
I'm so endlessly tired of holding the roof over his head.
Arbitrary anger; i yell at you about it. I tell you to stop, and you don't because you can't, and I shouldn't, because i know what it's like.
i miss you.
i want everything back.
i keep telling myself to wait it out.
but this haunted house in longer than i thought.
and i'm not getting used to all the ghosts that keep popping out from behind the walls.
even still, i know it isn't an option. and i know, that even if it was, i wouldn't go back.
i never wanted to hurt you. but because of who i am, you were hurting me without ever even knowing it. i wish you could have changed- but i know i wouldn't have allowed it. i wish i could ignore that part of you. but the truth of the matter is, i can't. so i had to hurt you. just once. for the last time. i didn't mean for it to feel this way. i didn't mean for it to matter.
i'm always underestimating my body's ability to use emotions
to make petty things seem ever so important.
it does it practically all the time. and i'm a hypocrite because i hate those conversations.
the least you can do is be ashamed of how petty you are.
i mean honestly
i don't want to hear it anymore. any of it. i don't want to hear about her ever again.
and i want you to just fucking stop it.
you're stronger than this, and you're in denial. you are still holding on.
GET ANGRY. why won't you get fucking angry. the problem is you keep running back to her. keep contacting her. you try again and try again and try again and try again but you never realize that there's a difference between caring and being a fucking doormat, boy. if she contacts you, don't fucking answer. some people are just so fucked up, that in their attempts to reach out, they just end up fucking everybody else up in the process, just like a goddamn infectious disease.

I wish you'd just disappear, Mr. Bear. Take your honey, and save it for somebody who likes it. I love that you want to share it with me. I love that you have good manners and treat me right. But I don't want your honey, so please, just stop sending me jars in the mail. Stop wanting to send me jars in the mail. You're breaking my heart, and it isn't fair that I'd have to break yours just because you think i should have some of that famous glossy syrup. Why can't I just fucking like it? Why can't I just want some fucking honey. I don't want to lose you Mr. Bear. But if I don't take your honey soon, I think I could.

I want to go home.
I keep thinking that
and then I realize
that I already am home.
and then i really just don't know what to do.
i feel so panicky and nervous and trapped and lost.
i have no idea what's going on inside of my own fucking head.
it's all just a bunch of static, and it's killing me.

i never realized

how much i repeat myself.
















i repeat myself a lot, i realized.




















i'm very redundant.





oh ha. ha. ha.

i lie all the time, but i mean well.
i mean, i lie because i mean well.
if i knew what i was saying, i would elaborate
but i don't so i'll elaborate on how i can't elaborate.

i remember not knowing.
all i knew was that i didn't know
and i couldn't know
but i needed to know.
i felt like i'd already lost you.
there you were, almost lifeless- bandaged and drugged
missing parts of you you didn't even realize you'd had.
i thought you'd die that day
but you didn't.
you died last night
when you woke me up in the middle of the night
and said goodbye to me.
i'm losing you.

don't you remember dancing in the kitchen?
don't you remember me crying for you?
it was never easy to face the facts about your father
it was never easy because it drove a wedge between us
that i never felt was even there.

i don't know why i thought
that somebody could help me.
that somebody could navigate for me.
how could they?
i haven't had a solid thought in years and it's up to me to fix it.
i just don't want to put the effort in.
i don't want to face reality.

this is all just some huge charade i made up in my mind
so i could live inside delusions
and never open up my eyes
to what i don't want to see.

as people continue to bow their exists though
it's being dwindled; whittled away
and soon
all of the characters i was using to keep this fantasy in line
will no longer be around to be the players in my theater.

how am i going to open my eyes?
how am i going to pick at the hot-glue
dried in little droplets seeping frozen from my lids
without bleeding and deforming?
they won't even be the same.
even when the blood crusts over
and scabs
and then heals
this disfigurement is something i will fight against
and fuck against.
no more selfpitying soliloquys.
stand up,
break you legs bitch
and walk a few miles.
then tell me how it feels.

listen up

it's so cute
the way you think of Lily's Purple Plastic Purse when you say that.
I hate to say it
because I hate you a whole lot
but i also like you
and want you to feel like you're the most wonderful thing it the world.
i just hate that you want that.
but you do. don't kid yourself, kid. you definately do.
you have some ego about you that isn't even natural,
and you can try to fight it off all you want
but you're only going to be fighting against yourself.
sometimes i wonder if anything you do is done because you like it
or because you're trying to be different or impressive or unique.
it seems that way
but it might just seem that way
because i'm afraid that's what it is.
you say you don't care about anyone's oppinion.
and you've told me it doesn't feel like you do.
but who are you really trying to convince, baby girl? the only things i really think you like
are dimples
and feeling like you're profound even though you know you never will be.
and you hate that you want to feel profound, but you do,
so you pretend.
all you ever want to do is lay around in a fantasy world all day
your eyes glazing over
at everything that just exists.
it's stupid, and no way to be fulfilled as a human being.
it's not an option, therefore, it should not be a craving.
and when i mean, it's not an option, i mean it's fucking not possible.
so just fucking stop it. just stop already, for christ's fucking sake, just fucking stop it.
i mean, why do you care so much?
you don't want to be played for the fool?
who cares; everyone else is too, in that case.
and the only reason you don't want too
is because you want to feel like thoughts can have meaning
it's because you WANT something profound, and you can't have it BECAUSE you're a human being
and you only WANT
because you ARE a human being.
and that isn't going to change.

so unless you start looking at things the way other people do
you're never going to get what you want

start believing things that have all the potential in the world to be bullshit
because that's the only way for you in particular to get what you want.


but i know you.
you won't do it.
because you don't want too
and you'd rather go crazy.
stubborn bull headed fuck.

don't do that

don't fuck with me.
isn't is funny how one person's second favorite food
is another person's favorite?

i'm so sick of consuming

please.
just let me be.
i can't help anybody anymore,
and you're breaking my fucking heart, fella.

i shouldn't care at all
but there's acid burning my nose
and capsules full of sand weighing me down
because i'm starting to get concerned
that i'm just the flavor of the minute.

let's not be so mellow-dramatic girls.
we're all terribly similar
if you look at it like that.

i feel uncomfortable lately.
like how you feel when you wake up
before you've eaten.
your breath tastes nauseating
the inside of your cheeks where you bit them day before are raw
and so soft you can pull off slimy pieces of flesh by running your tongue over them a couple of times.
your neck hurts cause you slept wrong
and you had a really disturbing dream that you can't recall the details of.
it's darker everywhere, even inside for some reason
and you can smell lead, or paint from off of your walls.
your hands are smudged with something black, and your eyes are dry and sting.

what's hysterical

you and i are more alike than you could ever understand.

i am constantly tormented at the hands of my own mind.
DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO?
what's funny is
i act the way i do
because if i acted how i think

life would be a lot more difficult for me.

this is a long
horrible journey you're embarking on
and the ground falls away behind you with every step you take.
there is no turning back.

really? you're a fucking amateur.
see that?
this shit will make you crazy, and childish
over something you'll come to find out
you would rather DIE than have to deal with.

fucking woe-is-you
and fucking woe-is-me
how fucking pathetic are we?

I'm not as crazy as you might think.
but then again
that could just be the crazy talking.

I feel unable to be certain about anything.
I can't say
I can
or can't be certain,
because I feel as if I don't know

which i am also uncertain about.

I'd like to say that as opposed to being something in specific, I just am.
But it would appear (which means nothing) as though I deduced that with my mind.
and i don't trust my mind.
I don't even trust the lack of trust I have for my mind enough to believe
even
that any doubts i have about my mind
are or aren't legitimate.

I could say, and never feel sure, but instead accept it as a possibility
that I am but a compilation of strings
vibrating to make quirks
whose frequencies decide atoms
who's numbers decide elements,
who's combination's make up a human being.
Then, I could imagine my personality as being electric waves going on through elements that happen to make up a brain, whose trails were passed down from other elements from my mother and father, combined with influences from my environment, and up bringing.

science would point to that.
but science
again
is understood with one's mind
and i'm not so ready to accept that logic means any goddamn thing

why are we so ready to look away
from the possibility that everything our mind does
is to make us feel important
to trick us in to feeling comfort
to trick us likewise in to feeling that we understand.
because of the mechanisms of it's driving force; self-sustain

how can we know?

hahahahaha
i feel so shitty.
normally
when i get like this
i just go to my main vice, developed in 7th grade
because normally, it makes me feel better.
But I really don't feel much like engaging in it today, because I have a feeling that this time,
the benefits wouldn't out weigh the cons.
I really can't think of one thing that sounds in the very slightest way appealing.

And I mean, but absolutley nothing.
I can't stand everything.
Everything keeps giving me this very terrible feeling that I can't even describe
and I don't even know why.

It's really hard for me to explain, but I'm really going to try my hardest too,
because I can't handle it ping-ponging around in my head any longer.

See,
everywhere you go
there are people,
which I know is a very obvious thing to say
but I feel like I need to say it anyways.
So anyways,
a lot of the time,
you end up having these very long winded conversation with them, in which they say an innumerable number of things that are just everyday thoughts or topics for conversation.

For example:
"Technology is so advanced now"
"You should do something with you life that makes you feel like you've fulfilled a purpose"
"The Earth Holds organisms that are very impressive"
"The human mind is terribly complex"

Everything everyone says
they've processed through their brains.
They've come to conclusions about so many things;
used science, then used their minds to comprehend things without ever stopping to imagine, that maybe
the brain isn't good for that sort of thing at all.
Maybe, all it's good for is keeping us sustained.
Maybe it knows we need answers for many of us to continue to feel as though we can thrive
and so
we perceive that we've found answers
when really
there are no answers to be had.

Maybe no one questions it
because as a race
we're programmed to think that way; that our minds are unfaltering.
that it's crazy to think anything else, because our eyes and the comprehension center in our brain
tells us that that is so obviously not true.
After all, if we thought our brains were faulty,
everyone would go insane not knowing if what they're perceiving is or isn't just a perception.
The concept of solidified reality would be lost,
which would be bad for sustaining, as long as the rule generally remains that humans cling to the idea of order
in order to survive.

See, I'm not so sure it'd be a bad thing in all honesty.
Because bad and good and importance and unimportance all exist inside of a human beings mind.

I guess that's why I'm feeling so confused.
Because I don't believe or disbelieve in anything but at the same time
I do believe
that one can't know
if they can or can't know anything
which is just a contradiction in and of itself
so I'm stuck
because i don't like contradicting myself
but i also recognize that despite my displeasure at the fact,
i am indeed a human being
and for us
arriving at conclusions through deductive logic is the only means we have of comprehension.

Therefore, every thought I end up at
could very well be the product of a mind incapable of truly grasping any other idea than self sustain.

i know that some people
don't care if their brains are lying to them or not
because it's all they have
but for what ever reason
maybe it's genetics
and environmental factors
but i'm not ok with chancing being played by fool
because pride is in my nature whether i want it there or not.

i guess all of these thoughts is me trying to understand and put words to a lack of understanding so i can start living in a way that isn't ruled by the mechanical mechanisms of the one goaled humanbody.
But in that
I am serving that one goal-
self sustaint.

why is it that i even think
that as a human
not living in a way that's ruled by the mechanical mechanisms of the one goaled human body
is even possible.

i don't like that idea
mainly because
the way i see it
nothing anyone does is done for a genuine reason.
it's all done because of their nature.

But don't you see, I'm back to where I started;
i go to that conclusion with my mind
and I don't know if the mind is good for drawing conclusions like that

NOTHING IS
NOTHING ISN'T
NOTHING DOESN'T EXIST
NOTHING DOESN'T NOT EXIST.

It's all about humans and that's fucking it.

All we care about is this tiny little portion of matter in existence and we're unable to care about anything else because even the want to escape being human is all to benefit the human wishing it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What i really feel like doing is letting myself fall the fuck apart.
I'm tired of being inside of my head and trying to hold my sanity in line
when all I feel like doing is exploding into this shit spewing
body ripping, punching, screaming, kicking, thrashing episode of chaos.
An episode so chaotic, I lose my grasp on consciousness, reality, impossibilities, and sanity.
I can't even explain what I mean. More than anything, it's just this crazy visions I have in my head.

The other day, when my mom and I were waiting for a bus downtown, this really old looking foreign lady started talking to us.
She was so depressing.
She handed us these God Pamphlets
and started going on about God, and sinning, and the bible and whatnot.

She started telling us this really long story about God
and how everyone's a sinner,
and how people think heaven's dull
when really, it isn't.

You couldn't get her to quit, so my mother just sat there nodding here and there, smiling politely.
It was terrible.
You can't imagine how depressed it made me
I really thought I was going to be sick.
The thing is, people that go on about that crap are so excited about it.
Just listen to a missionary, or a Jehovah's witness doormen one day- they really are, and it's absolutely awful.

I know it shouldn't bother me, because at least it made her Happy;
But she was getting me so annoyed the way she was acting so certain about what she was saying.

She just kept talking with this all knowing secretive smile on her face, and you knew
that she knew
that other people didn't believe what she did,

but that that terrible smiled she had on her face was one of those very disturbing
smiles that said something like

"Poor poor unenlightened people. I'm so proud to be one of the enlightened ones to the way of the lord, and it feels so good to be opening their eyes to the way of God"

And that's the thing that really bothered me-
she genuinely believed that she had the right answer.

Why should I care?
She was fucking happy.
And she couldn't help it.
It wasn't her fault.
But it still annoyed me anyway, and that's what made me so sad.
Not to mention the fact that people that have their hearts set and certain on anything make me feel so goddamn sick, and sad, and confused.

-----------------------------------------------------------

the thing is
she's never felt so empty that social ideals have stopped mattering to her.
With me is though, social ideals don't even matter when I'm actually feeling decent either.
I just pretend they do to make my parents and society less difficult to deal with, which is absolutely terrible, but something I can handle ok,
at least for a little while.

My idea of success
and everyone else's idea of success
are two very different things and it's awful because it means I either disappoint everyone else, and do what will make me happy

(might i point out here that said happiness would be short lived due to everyone making life difficult for me
because of their disappointment that I'm not successful in their eyes)

or

i do what everyone else's idea of success is,
and feel like I've let myself down.

No matter what way I go, I'm screwed.

------------------------------------------------------------

To get my mind of things, I called up old Ryan, my big brother, and listened to him shoot the breeze for about 45 minutes. It actually calmed me down quite a bit.
He has quite a nice speaking voice, old Ryan does, and he can talk better than anyone else I know, about just about anything.

It was nice to listen to him talk about really easy to comprehend things for a while and I'm glad he didn't try to get me to talk because I couldn't have even if I'd wanted too.
I can never figure out what's actually going on inside of my head.
It's another one of those vision feelings.
This abstract visions in my head would be the only way I'd even begin to think of explaining how I'm feeling.

it rained a lot today

i dressed up really nice

i kissed, and posed.

i smiled and i smiled and i smiled

i bled in to your book

as i sat next to your brother

and imagined

that after this is lying in pieces on the ground

i'm gonna put that hook of my through his lips

sometimes, i think i let things become too serious

it's good that you don't care.

it's real.

it's healthy.

it's unjaded.

and i love you but i'm scared

because i love you

because this isn't too serious

i'm afraid you won't hesitate to hurt me

because you could

you have some power over me even though this isn't that serious to me either

even though

i don't Want you to have any power over me at all.

i walked home today in my bare feet

and it was the most ok i've felt in such a long time.

there water running down the hill in a little stream of rain water

and ever time i took a step,

there was this musical splashed that threw up beads of water on to my pasty looking legs.

i want to feel ok about everything

because nothing should bother me if i don't let it.

bugbites

on my thighs from sunday
hahahowironic
that i'm the one with the bugbites
when i was the one
doing the biting.
i'm not so sure this is going to work for me
getting what i say i want
and what i think is ideal
i been trained to sit in the third car
i don't like it, but it's much more comfortable
than sitting in that idealized first car

im not looking for answers anymore.
i'm looking for blue eyespuffy lips
soft hair
sunsunsun
being beautiful
and seeing beauty

nothing's got to be so serious.
somebody take frowns off of all those faces
with fists of smiles
haha haha!

thank you

for reminding me
because i needed that reminder.

this will never feel ok
because im not one of those people that gets one of those situations.

thank you for reminding me again
that's it's just a matter of time before this blows up in my face
because i was starting to think maybe it could go somewhere
but now I remember that what i've known all along;
it won't, no matter how much i want it too.

nothing can ever go anywhere.
i'm not happy.
i don't know why i sat there with you and felt so good because now,
i'm comming down off of the high,
i'm shaking like a madman

and i feel worse than ever

i'm not enough of a friend to myself to be gambling with my happiness.
i should never have blushed when you told me
what you told me that day
and i should have never even considered it
because now
i know what i'd be missing-

and i would miss it.

which is why i can't bring myself to light it on fire, and throw it in to the forest.

i dreamed last night that i watched two men being bludgeoned to death
it's all i can think about right now.
it's all i want to think about.
i feel like maybe
i won't ever do anything
ever again

i don't deserve this

i'm so fucking sick of wanting to drive a fucking screw driver in my head
i'm so fucking sick of feeling like some pathetic self pitying little fuck.

and what's worse
is you;
my metaphoric morphine
making me forget that this is going to destroy me
after ripping out that goddamn IV

thank you.

i just want to stop being in my head
nothing feels ok
my mind is racing so fast
and my therapist told me
i sound like i'm crazy.

and it scared me
because i don't feel crazy
i feel like i make sense
and crazy people go crazy
without ever even knowing what happened to them.
i feel all panicky, and angry.
i can't stand being around this
i can't stand being around you people
i can't stand hearing everyone having answers
because i don't have answers
and i don't have no answers
i just am
and i want everyone else to just be too
so everyone can stop being so serious
but im a hypocrite because
i don't know if i do/don't have any answers
oh my god i can't even think anymore
i want to die so badly.
i want to die more than anything else in the entire known existence of awareness. ohmygod. oh my god. oh my god.
all i want is a cigarette. i want a cigarette so bad. that's the only thing i feel like i could handle right. oh my god. jesus christ oh jesus christ oh my jesus christ and god all mighty god oh fucking jesus might fucking christ and fucking heaven jesus mother fucking jesus mother fucking christ and jesus mother fucking mary, jesus, and joseph, and mary help me help me help me please somebody help me.

i'm so fucking sick
of not wanting to do anything.
so sick of nothing sounding appealing
so sick of nobody sounding appealing
so tired of not being able to think of one thing
that will make me want to bash my head against the cement
or scream until my throat's all curdled with blood
any less.

all i want to do anymore
is smoke cigarettes.
i hate food.
i hate gum.
i hate soda.
i hate people.
i hate being at home.
i hate tv.
i hate writing.
i hate drawing.
i hate video games.
i hate walking.
i hate sitting.
i hate going places.
i hate being out.
i hate staying in.
i hate coloring.
i hate yoga.
i hate talking.
i hate not talking.

i want to wish i had something or someone but i fucking don't.
and i fucking haven't in so fucking long and it's terrible.
there's nothing to look forward too
because nothing gets my blood pumping anymore.
and if it does
i fuck it all up and ruin it for myself.

my problem is
even though i expect to be screwed over
i just can't help myself;
i give people the chance to do what I know they're going to do
and i honestly don't blame them because it's nobody's fault.