i'm so fucking sick
of not wanting to do anything.
so sick of nothing sounding appealing
so sick of nobody sounding appealing
so tired of not being able to think of one thing
that will make me want to bash my head against the cement
or scream until my throat's all curdled with blood
any less.

all i want to do anymore
is smoke cigarettes.
i hate food.
i hate gum.
i hate soda.
i hate people.
i hate being at home.
i hate tv.
i hate writing.
i hate drawing.
i hate video games.
i hate walking.
i hate sitting.
i hate going places.
i hate being out.
i hate staying in.
i hate coloring.
i hate yoga.
i hate talking.
i hate not talking.

i want to wish i had something or someone but i fucking don't.
and i fucking haven't in so fucking long and it's terrible.
there's nothing to look forward too
because nothing gets my blood pumping anymore.
and if it does
i fuck it all up and ruin it for myself.

my problem is
even though i expect to be screwed over
i just can't help myself;
i give people the chance to do what I know they're going to do
and i honestly don't blame them because it's nobody's fault.