bugbites

on my thighs from sunday
hahahowironic
that i'm the one with the bugbites
when i was the one
doing the biting.
i'm not so sure this is going to work for me
getting what i say i want
and what i think is ideal
i been trained to sit in the third car
i don't like it, but it's much more comfortable
than sitting in that idealized first car

im not looking for answers anymore.
i'm looking for blue eyespuffy lips
soft hair
sunsunsun
being beautiful
and seeing beauty

nothing's got to be so serious.
somebody take frowns off of all those faces
with fists of smiles
haha haha!

thank you

for reminding me
because i needed that reminder.

this will never feel ok
because im not one of those people that gets one of those situations.

thank you for reminding me again
that's it's just a matter of time before this blows up in my face
because i was starting to think maybe it could go somewhere
but now I remember that what i've known all along;
it won't, no matter how much i want it too.

nothing can ever go anywhere.
i'm not happy.
i don't know why i sat there with you and felt so good because now,
i'm comming down off of the high,
i'm shaking like a madman

and i feel worse than ever

i'm not enough of a friend to myself to be gambling with my happiness.
i should never have blushed when you told me
what you told me that day
and i should have never even considered it
because now
i know what i'd be missing-

and i would miss it.

which is why i can't bring myself to light it on fire, and throw it in to the forest.

i dreamed last night that i watched two men being bludgeoned to death
it's all i can think about right now.
it's all i want to think about.
i feel like maybe
i won't ever do anything
ever again

i don't deserve this

i'm so fucking sick of wanting to drive a fucking screw driver in my head
i'm so fucking sick of feeling like some pathetic self pitying little fuck.

and what's worse
is you;
my metaphoric morphine
making me forget that this is going to destroy me
after ripping out that goddamn IV

thank you.

i just want to stop being in my head
nothing feels ok
my mind is racing so fast
and my therapist told me
i sound like i'm crazy.

and it scared me
because i don't feel crazy
i feel like i make sense
and crazy people go crazy
without ever even knowing what happened to them.
i feel all panicky, and angry.
i can't stand being around this
i can't stand being around you people
i can't stand hearing everyone having answers
because i don't have answers
and i don't have no answers
i just am
and i want everyone else to just be too
so everyone can stop being so serious
but im a hypocrite because
i don't know if i do/don't have any answers
oh my god i can't even think anymore
i want to die so badly.
i want to die more than anything else in the entire known existence of awareness. ohmygod. oh my god. oh my god.
all i want is a cigarette. i want a cigarette so bad. that's the only thing i feel like i could handle right. oh my god. jesus christ oh jesus christ oh my jesus christ and god all mighty god oh fucking jesus might fucking christ and fucking heaven jesus mother fucking jesus mother fucking christ and jesus mother fucking mary, jesus, and joseph, and mary help me help me help me please somebody help me.

i'm so fucking sick
of not wanting to do anything.
so sick of nothing sounding appealing
so sick of nobody sounding appealing
so tired of not being able to think of one thing
that will make me want to bash my head against the cement
or scream until my throat's all curdled with blood
any less.

all i want to do anymore
is smoke cigarettes.
i hate food.
i hate gum.
i hate soda.
i hate people.
i hate being at home.
i hate tv.
i hate writing.
i hate drawing.
i hate video games.
i hate walking.
i hate sitting.
i hate going places.
i hate being out.
i hate staying in.
i hate coloring.
i hate yoga.
i hate talking.
i hate not talking.

i want to wish i had something or someone but i fucking don't.
and i fucking haven't in so fucking long and it's terrible.
there's nothing to look forward too
because nothing gets my blood pumping anymore.
and if it does
i fuck it all up and ruin it for myself.

my problem is
even though i expect to be screwed over
i just can't help myself;
i give people the chance to do what I know they're going to do
and i honestly don't blame them because it's nobody's fault.

i only now realized
that i never got to sleep last night.

i'm very good

at making myself forget about this.
i do it practically all the time.
i minimize the shit out of it, for myself and for everyone else around me.

it makes most people uncomfortable
and i don't know how to talk about it
without feeling
like i sound like i feel bad for myself

so i end up talking really frank about it
like it's not really a problem-
but in all honesty, it dominates my life.
it IS a problem
and sometimes, when it hits me really hard like this in the face
i realize how completely and totally alone i am here.

every day is more difficult than i could ever explain.
i don't know how i got here.
i swear to god i don't.

all the time, i come back to the same redundant thought
and my mind races
as i sit by myself somewhere and try to figure out where
when
why
how
this became who i am.

none of you see me.
not ever.
because it's always there
and nobody knows it.

but it's such a huge part of my life
and has been
for the past
5 years of my life.

5 years.
can you believe that?
the sad part is, it's like a child.
the longer i have it around, the more i cherish it
and couldn't imagine life without it.
i want this gone, but i don't.
this is so terrifying.

she said to me
what's been echoing around inside the cave that is my cranium