sorting the contents :P

lately ive been very rapidly been switching back in forth, both emotionally and mentally, and it's so goddamn confusing and i don't understand it at all, or why it's happening. all i know is that it's driving me crazy, and i want it to stop. it's like in one moment i know how i feel and what i want and feel ok. and the next second, i have no idea what i'm feeling, and i start questioning myself and it scares me so i start to get really panicky and end up wanting to just fucking kill myself because it's the only thing that sounds even remotely appealing. it's like my wants won't match up with my feelings. they come out of allignment so i start to feel like i don't want certain things at that moment but it upsets me because in my mind i actually DO want them. and i know these things i actually still, in my heart, want to do, it's just that i'm so disconnected from myself that i don't feel anything at all.

for example:

i really want to make something of myself. become independent. have a life. get a job and pay my bills because i need something to work too, and that's what society says i have to do.

which i don't mind as long as you're with me

but then there are times

where i think about doing all that

even with you there

and i know i still want to do it

but i don't FEEL like i want to do it.

i feel like i just want to cry and curl up in to ball with you, or kill myself

because i've realized

when i get like that

i literally don't feel like doing anything because i'm not

IN myself enough to experience any impact on my emotions

it's like i've left my body, my concious mind or soul

and ive left my brain and organs behind

and they're still functioning.

emotions are still happening

and they let me know that i want something or don't want something

i can see what emotion my body reacts to things with

but i don't feel that emotion and it confuses me so terribly and absolutely terrifies me so that i don't even know which way is up or down and it's completely fucking horrible.

all i want is to feel.

when i feel, i'm ok.

which brings me to another anomaly that's really been bothering me lately

only not really. it's like my brain says it should bother me but it doesn't really trouble me.

weird things will start to feel appealing out of no where

and things that once sounded appealing will suddenly sound ridiculously unappealing.

the only thing that's stayed appealing is you, baby. and im so thankful for that because you're absolutely my life line and if i couldn't feel for you, i'd be so fucking distraught.

SO fucking distraught. because i love you so much, and you ground me and bring me back to earth and help me feel again and im so incredibly thankful for you.

but other things, my opinions have been randomly flopping back and forth on

like cigarettes will sometimes seem suddenly trashy and/or disgusting. and i'll think about them and get depressed.

and then the next second they'll sound appealing. the idea of them and all.

another thing is

i haven't really liked the idea of certain body modifications on me despite liking how they look on other people. i usually think i'd look un-classy or something and dirty and cliche and fucking annoying hipster-esque asshole-ish.

but today i was thinking about it

and i can not tell you how appealing the idea of gauging my ears, piercing my lip or something, getting a daisy or sunflower tattoo on the side of my neck, and dreading some of my hair sounds.

it sounds SO goddamn appealing and it's so out of the blue because for so long those things didn't sound the least bit appealing at all.

another thing that i've recently flipflopped on; California. California normally bores the fuck out of me; it's cliche, there's too many pot smoking assholes there, too many dumbass hippies/hipsters, and too many liberal extremists.

I don't know how long it's going to last, but for whatever reason, I wouldn't rather be anywhere in the world but there.

And i have absolutely no idea why, but I meant it when I texted you baby, and said I wanted to go out there with you and sing to you playing the acoustic guitar.

right now, all i want to do with my life is make music.

make music for free, and bring joy to people and making people happy and give hope back to people annd to inspire awe of liffe in to people. that's all i want. and i want to do it with you baby. i want to wear a flowy dress, annd get freckles on my shoulders, and wear sandles everywhere. i want to see you with a five o clock shadow and i want to wander aimlessly and have no real home but just stay with good people that are happy and kind and just GOOD every single night. Pure and good. No pot smoking, drinking, cigarette holding "naturalists"

REAL happy people who don't need any of those things

and WE won't need any of those things and it would be so incredibly wonderful and i would love it so incredibly much.

then we could have a baby and he or she could walk around with us and grow up learning to appreciate being alive. we can raise a beautiful and wise, wide eyed little child that glows with purity and goodness, as untainted as any person could possibly come when living in this world and be happy.

i don't want to ever stop moving. i don't want to ever sit somewhere, i just want to keep moving, and going and if i had my way sometimes

like right at this very moment

i'd spend my life in the air. on a plane.

going from flight to flight seeing as much of the earth as i could see because it would never get old and i would never see the same thing twice and it would be so goddamn fulfilling, and it would be even more-so fulfilling because you'd be there with me, taking it all in with me, and appreciating it the same as me, undistracted by the falicies of this "everyday life" we as a society has made up.

i can honestly say that that is all i fucking want right now.

there's a good chance that it'll change by tomorrow

but i know one thing that won't change-

i want you, Jonathan Charles Melchert, right there with me.

Because with you there, everything will be all the more fulfilling.

i love you Jonathan <3

you are by far

the only REALLY important thing in my life.

i love you baby.

i noticed today that i can't stay very angry with anybody for any legitimate amount of time, no matter what it is they do. i can't 100% dislike anybody. on the other hand though i feel like there are VERY few people i can actually like enough to deal with them very often either. what really troubles me about that fact is that i don't care. i don't even wish i had more friends. i have like, 3 friends, including my boyfriend, and i really don't think i could add another. it seems to me like my eloquence is absolutely gone anymore. i don't know how to form sentences that sound complete at this point in my life, and it's really rather disheartening because there was a time during the almost 18 year life span in my existence that i could do so quite easily. in any case that isn't the point. today, i've been thinking about a lot of people from my past, people that i claim to have hated, even as recently as a day or two ago but i realize when i stop and really start to think about it that all the people i dislike

i actually really like quite a bit in some way or another.

and it makes me want to laugh a little bit.

a lot of the time, i really am just jealous of people.

i'm honestly, pretty much jealous of everyone if i'm honest with myself.

i get mad when people challenge me

or remind me that i'm stupid and not profound at all.

i have pride issues and standards i hold myself too, not so i can make anybody else happy

but so i can make myself happy.

and i never know if im actually meeting those standards or not or just telling myself incorrectly that i am.

that's one of my biggest struggles in life.

i tried to keep everything in perspective

that's why i never insist that im right or that someone else is wrong.

because depending on the way you look at things

and where you're looking from the view is different

and in the end both of you are right.

i can't have hard feelings towards anyone.

everyone feels that their feelings are justified and sensible or else they wouldn't have them.

i need to stop trying to please everyone by saying what i think they want to hear.

it's a cop-out and i can be bigger than that.

every-time i step, my heart beat, the blood pumping as it races past my ears.

my eyes are coated, my lungs expand and contract, and i am moving;

moving; moving; moving

what what they think if they came down from the heavens for a week to join us?

how would they feel about watching us spit up all of our venom,

in a mucous textured wads of sadness and resent?

how would they feel about watching us confined within these invisible walls?

we come, and go,

wake, and sleep,

dread, and push through it

day in and day out.

the gravel underneath my feet is black and speckled with cigarette butts

and crumbled up gum wrappers.

i'm cold, and covered in rags that seem to shout to the people walking

by that i should be persecuted.

are they better than i am

because they gave in? are they better than me

because they gave it all away?

because they stayed inside the walls?

maybe the successful ones are the ones who look the worst. maybe they're dying. maybe they're hungry and homeless. but at least they're more alive than you could ever be.

i can't get away from here. i can't hop on a train and find a place to settle down because it's everywhere. we don't get a choice

we go because we have too.

because we live in a world where staying isn't an option.

if you stay

you rot.

if you stay

you can't do anything.

you have to live in resent.

puddles of resent

brainwashed in to thinking that you don't deserve to be happy

if you aren't first punished.

brainwashed in to thinking that you have freedom.

a mouse locked in a cage can decide wether or not he runs on his wheel or not

but he can't get out.

he can't decide anything outside of that cage.

and that cage is this world.

i'm dead.

i am dead and the only time my eyes open

and i can breathe

the only time i feel warm and full

the only time i can forget

is whenever i'm with you.

Stupid

I'm more or less writing this because im in a grouchy mood and i don't feel sleepy yet i'd really rather not be awake.

on facebook

people have the stupid fucking ideas.

example:

"Why Not...INBOX ONLY: 2010 is almost over. Confess something you have always wanted to tell me or ask me.(100% private) put this as your status, you might be surprised."

People post these things

because they are fishing for compliments. They are holding out hope in their heart that maybe they can get a little boost in self-esteem because maybe someone will send them a message telling of a secret year long secret crush said someone has been harboring for them.

Chances are that won't fucking happen

but you can always tell yourself

that maybe there is someone who has a secret crush on you.

maybe there are several people

but they don't have the guts to tell you.

why the fuck does the end of the year mean anything anyway?

Why would someone tell something someone just because it was the end of the year. it's not the last chance they'll have. they'll still have to deal with the consequences/lack there of consequences regardless of when said secret is told.

i mean

i could see if it was like

the end of the fucking world.

for your own sake, obviously, for closure before you die.

but then again if you don't get closure

you'll be dead soon anyway so you won't have to deal with it.

sometimes i just want to rip hopes like the above mentioned hope of a secret crush apart.

by sending a message to those people who are so obviously in need of attention and compliments even though they pretend like they're just bored

that is completley opposite to what they'd hoped for.

because it wouldn't be fucking bullshit.

that's all people interact with anyways. they all just go take piles and piles of bull shit, and smear it all over each other,

the doner flashing a grin that lacks any genuine qualities

and the recipient and grinning back.

you never know when to believe any compliments anymore because people are always giving my bullshit.

the only compliments i believe are ones that come out of no where.

like when me and kayla were sitting on the bench at kennywood

and two woman walked up to us.

they stopped just to tell us

that they thought we were absolutely gorgeous.

it was completely unprovoked and real.

the thing is though, i know i've done it.

i know everyone's done it.

and sure, i kind of resent myself for it.

because i shouldn't be getting any of my self esteem from anybody else.

i know that sounds like some kind of bullshit line they say at a bully assembly in 5th grade, but it's true.

it's stupid, because a human being.

i honestly think it is.

all off it.

all of it and the way it all works.

human being are stupid.

stupid stupid creatures, myself included.

i don't mean to say i don't like my race.

im probably one of the few people who can say genuinely that i really love humans.

because we're good, and we try our best, and make valiant efforts to deal with what we were given.

why the hell is it

that even when im home

there's always that reoccuring thought

"i want to go home"

the only time i don't feel that way is when im with you

because i don't need to go home

because im safe where i am

and im not scared

and i don't need to run away because you can protect me and shield me

and i can curl up in you

and plug my ears and close my eyes tight

and feel relieved.

i don't want to go to sleep but i don't want to be awake.

i don't want to wake up tomorrow

i don't want to be here

i don't want to be there

i don't want to be anywhere

i don't want to be.

unless it's with you

because with you

i don't have to be.

i can escape myself.

i love you. i want to crush myself up in to little bits and fuse with you

so we can be two times as big as we are now

and we can reach some kind of transcendence and knowing and wisdom and understanding and we can reach that cosmic enlightenment that makes us feel ok.

i just wanna go home.

i just wanna be with YOU

Transcendence

what i really want

is to pour porclean over top of everything.

i want everything to be soft, and pure, and cozy and close forever

and i don't ever want to move again

or get out of bad

or do anything at all

if it isn't curling up next to you.

i want everything in the world to stop.

i want everything to be covered in a blanket of snow so heavy

we can see

we can't move

we can't hear

we can only be

and with you

that's all i would ever need.

my heart would swell

and i would smile

and an effusion of disbelief, and thankfullness, and laughter would pour fourth out of my mouth

and i'd clutch you forever

and laugh

and laugh

and laugh

because you are all the good things in the world

i want you

to overtake me

i want to immerse myself in you and disappear.

i want to feel my atoms comming apart

and merging with yours until there isn't even a me anymore

until i no longer am

until all i am is pure happiness.

pure goodness.

pure bliss.

pure good.

pure.

you.

i love you so much

and everytime i kiss you

i feel like i take with me from you redemptive energy that washes over my body

and replaces all the negativity in me

little

by little at a time.

i want to kiss you now.

i want your sweet sweet mouth

and your sweet sweet skin and your sweet sweet soul

and i want to fall asleep inside of it

cushioned in glowing

warm white light

wrapped in quiet, and safe forever.

please let me come be with you.

i don't know a damn thing and i like it that way.

remember that tree we sat under?

the one behind the benches at the park?

it's gone now,

and it isn't just due to the fog.

they tore it down

and now they're pouring concrete over our memories

but it's ok i guess, because that way,

any of our germs that remained there

can be physically frozen in time.

i listen to my feelings.

feelings are nothing, feelings are something

just like matter

meaningless or meaningul;

decided by stupid creatures that listen to themselves

there is only one feeling im ok with having.

i love feeling you.

not just physically.

i feel that i have added an emotion to my personal emotional spectrum

and it's name is your name.

i don't want this year to end.

i miss you already.

and i love you

because you're beautiful all over.

come kiss me.