the problem is

i'm curious about a lot of things.
i'm curious about a lot of people.
i remember the names of my brother's classmates from 3rd grade in Catholic School.
i'm fascinated by the specimen that is the human being.
it's not that i want to know everyone or talk to everyone
but its fascinating to me to look at people the way we look at other animals.
i like to see how people react to things
and i like to see how people deal with things
and i like to see who they present themselves as
and interpret the things they say.
i'm not ashamed
and i'm not afraid
but i did creep out someone today from elementary school
((thus the basis for this blog))
because of course
although i remembered them,
they didn't remember me
and they seemed pretty annoyed and asked if i was stalking them or something
but the truth is i stalk pretty much everyone, especially people I'm trying to figure out after not seeing them for a while.
i like puzzles.
especially ones that literally CANNOT be put together.
i like to see what i can make without the right pieces.
it's a pastime or something. anyone elementary school person, i'm sorry.

the insides

of my nostrils
will permanently smell like stomach acid.
5 years ago i said it would only be a one time thing...

i really think you ought to go away now.
I'm happy and i don't need you anymore.
why am i so afraid?
why am i so terrified of everything?
of being and believing?

I'm tired of occupied Wednesday nights,
and telling people I'm not allowed to do anything
because I'm too embarrassed to be in public.
I'm tired of pretending it isn't there
and I'm tired of it always getting in my way when I'm trying to have a good time like a normal person.
I'm tired of it being a part of my life.
And I have been forever
I just really don't know how to stop.

im ewwkee.

i really don't think you know how much
it feels like i'm in love with you.
i don't even know what that means.
i don't know if that means anything to be completely honest
and i don't think i ever will

but i'm not worried about what it is.
all i care about is how this feels.

i feel like laughing at myself for being petty
and like laughing at everyone else for being petty
and like nothing could hurt me because you help me open up the knowledge I've always had
that i can be strong.

i can't wait until you come back.
i can't wait to see you
and touch you
and hear you
and watch you smile
and laugh and talk and move your hands.

you're the best person that every happened to me.






"Well this is, and Rhoda, no disrespect, but um, this is total shit. Go for it? You can do it? That's not inspirational that's suicidal! If pickles goes for it right there that's a dead cat. Lies, were liars think about it, why do people buy these things? It's not because they wanna say how they feel, people buy cards cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Lets level with America at least let them speak for themselves right I mean look, look. What is this, what does this say? "Congratulations on your new baby." How bout "congratulations on your new baby, guess that's it for hanging out, nice knowing ya." How bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this ones going. Yup "Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I love you." Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I'd eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help"

it's ok

i love you.
i really do.
i want to hold you all in my hands and cry and say sorry and take care of you
and take you in the back yard
and make you peanut butter crackers
and do everything that makes you happy.

why.

I AM HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

ffdsfdfdsf

i can see myself disintegrating in to dust
and being blown in a hundred and seventy seven- no, a hundred and seventy eight- directions.
i'm perching on top of sand dunes, and i'm stuck between brown toes that trod to God's first born lump of land. i'll get to fall out of sandles at the centre of the world, or get stuck between some camel's big teeth, unbeknownst to even him.

i don't remember ever feeling all of myself at one time

but you make me come together
and suddenly, all i know is that every single tiny little grain of sand that makes up my being is ok.
i said i'd never let anybody be the glue that holds me together, and i still have no intention of letting you. but i can't help it if it all comes back to center whenever your around
and i can't help it if i like that
and if i like you.
you're the type of person that can make me forget about everything.
not many people are that captivating to me.
in fact, i don't remember anyone ever being that captivating to me.

i like when you talk
because you make me laugh, and you're interesting, and you're genuine, and you have such a nice voice, and the structures of your sentences make me happy.
i like when you laugh, and when you smile, and move your hands, and make faces, and apologize, even when there's nothing to apologize for, and the way you're so nice, and loyal
and not even willing to fuck over a friend.

but YOU
i'm begging YOU
not to play on his loyalty.
i'm begging YOU to please, just let me be happy.
YOU said yourself you never loved me.
We haven't been we, for so long now, and I know that I've grown healthier because of it.
Don't do this to me, i'm begging you.
Stay out of my life, like I'd intended, when I put this to an end.