im not sure

but i suddenly want to die
more than i've ever wanted to die in my life.

i want to say i can't take it anymore and mean it.
i don't like this world today.
i want to cry.

why am i not crying?
why do i feel so overwhelmed?
why do i feel like i can't breathe? like i'm having a panic attack?
like all that sounds appealing is splitting my head open with a baseball bad?
oh god. oh god. oh god.
oh god.

i can't breathe.