i only now realized
that i never got to sleep last night.

i'm very good

at making myself forget about this.
i do it practically all the time.
i minimize the shit out of it, for myself and for everyone else around me.

it makes most people uncomfortable
and i don't know how to talk about it
without feeling
like i sound like i feel bad for myself

so i end up talking really frank about it
like it's not really a problem-
but in all honesty, it dominates my life.
it IS a problem
and sometimes, when it hits me really hard like this in the face
i realize how completely and totally alone i am here.

every day is more difficult than i could ever explain.
i don't know how i got here.
i swear to god i don't.

all the time, i come back to the same redundant thought
and my mind races
as i sit by myself somewhere and try to figure out where
when
why
how
this became who i am.

none of you see me.
not ever.
because it's always there
and nobody knows it.

but it's such a huge part of my life
and has been
for the past
5 years of my life.

5 years.
can you believe that?
the sad part is, it's like a child.
the longer i have it around, the more i cherish it
and couldn't imagine life without it.
i want this gone, but i don't.
this is so terrifying.

she said to me
what's been echoing around inside the cave that is my cranium

i keep wondering

if maybe i should throw this away
before it's too late.
i really like trying to convince myself that i'm not human.
and that that's not arrogant, or selfish, or wrong.
but then i just start thinking about how wrong is relative
and how it's human nature to think that way
which is completely ironic
it's human nature
to want to be inhuman.
no, no.
it's human to see yourself as the best.
or to want to be the best.
whatever the best happens to be to you.
i'm so terrified.
i'm so fucking terrified, it isn't even remotely humorous.
i keep thinking maybe
i should throw this away
before throwing it away hurts.
all i can do is sit here
and try to think of something that doesn't make me feel really uneasy.
i mean, i know it's crazy
but literally everything lately
is making me feel panicky and flighty.
like some big huge black bear is chasing me
and there's just this really terrible feeling in my chest
because i know something bad's going to happen. or maybe i don't. maybe i'm being stupid and paranoid.
i wish i could feel like something is profound.
i wish i could have a solidified idea.
nothing is ever just
tangible or graspable, or in any kind of order that i can comprehend.
i feel like doing something to make me stop feeling so terribly and painfully uncomfortable.
i want to scream,
but in a way
that makes the little tendons and shit in my throat rip and tangle
until i'm gargling blood, and vomiting, and yelling simultaneously.
i want to rip at my face, and roll my eyes back in to my head
and rip them out and squish them in between my hands
and pull the flesh all off of my face
and tear the skin off of the rest of my body.
i want to writhe
and quake, and burst internally
and feel myself come apart, and break in a bloody mess.

and i have no idea why.

why isn't anybody my friend?
why isn't anybody my friend?
will you please just be my friend?
i really just want you to be my friend.
i really just want to feel like you're my friend.
i really just want to feel like i have someone that i want to be my friend.
i really just want somebody to be my friend in a way that's a friendly way, that makes me really amazed that they're my friend.
friend.
i like you friend. friend. you're my friend. you're such a good friend. you're my favorite friend. you're my absolute favorite, beautiful, amazing, and beautiful friend.
i don't mean a friend.
i have friends.
good friends.
i mean something that makes me feel ok.
that kind of friend.

i keep thinking about you. why do i keep thinking about you?
i really do just keep thinking about you. you're so fucking incredible.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you so much, you don't even understand.
i fucking love you so much, it hurts.
it hurts.

i'm pretty funny i realized.
you fucked me up broham
i've always known what i wanted
and now that i have it
after learning unhealthy behaviors with you
i feel like if said unhealthy behaviors aren't present
you mustn't really like me.
which is bullshit and means the absolute opposite.

didn't i say i wanted this type of thing?
and now that i have it
i'm back in my old way of thinking;

that way that i hated
that way that stressed me out

why am i so fucking paranoid?
am i really going to have to teach myself to be in the healthy relationship that I've always dreamed about?

meanwhile, a good day to you if you are still there. I think that I am--- I just burnt my fingers on this cigarette.

i got twigs in my yellow hat
that i bought because
it matches my teeth.
i called myself out
and i cleaned myself out
then i shook and bit and i scratched at your skin in the cold.

i remembered last time
and every time
a tree creaked i sat up
and expected my mother
or your father to come walking around the corner

maybe it was a year ago
i sat watching monsters
that destroyed new york city
i wouldn't touch thar hair because it felt so gross
and i felt so bad
but the panick i felt never left me that night

i wish i was like your sister's namesake
frozen in time
everybody would find old piano's outside in hunting gear
and they'd stop to play it even though
they thought nobody was watching.
i told you not to leave me here by myself

i told you you should cop a feel of that cop when you
laced up that corset just under your breast
my brother told me not burn up his chair
but i poured gas all over it
and smoked a cigarette
fucking a keyhole
with a severed appendage
that's not mine

is it fucking then?
one time i was in a port a potty
and i wouldn't sit down
so i peed down my leg
and i cried for a minute
while the chiropractor looked on
real confused like, cracking my back

i'm not laughing actually
because I'm getting really angry
i can't ever say
what i think i might want to say
things like this never turn out
how i want them to turn.


















""Suffice to say I just eat every 12 hours, sleep every 20 hours, masturbate every 8 hours and otherwise just sit on the train and stare ahead without a thought..." -Neal Cassady

somebody please buy me mexico city blues.

lately
i keep getting this incredible feeling that courses throughout my body.
it's the most awful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life
and it makes me feel like
everything's gonna get fucked over.

more accurately
it makes me feel like I'm gonna get fucked over

i'm waiting for my parents to hate me
and lose all of their respect for me.

I'm waiting for them to be disgusted and disappointed with me
because I'm trash
and everyone else
will realize how much of a piece of shit i really am.

and they'll start thinking
"that bitch is so self conscious, its annoying"
and i'll push them to hate me because of my paranoia

that i have done something wrong;
that i have morally done something unhinging to the universe.

why does it feel like i've done something wrong all the time?
i swear, it wouldn't be so bad if i could just figure out what it is i'm feeling so
terrified of being found out.

what don't i want you to find out?
what will it mean if you do?