i'm very good

at making myself forget about this.
i do it practically all the time.
i minimize the shit out of it, for myself and for everyone else around me.

it makes most people uncomfortable
and i don't know how to talk about it
without feeling
like i sound like i feel bad for myself

so i end up talking really frank about it
like it's not really a problem-
but in all honesty, it dominates my life.
it IS a problem
and sometimes, when it hits me really hard like this in the face
i realize how completely and totally alone i am here.

every day is more difficult than i could ever explain.
i don't know how i got here.
i swear to god i don't.

all the time, i come back to the same redundant thought
and my mind races
as i sit by myself somewhere and try to figure out where
when
why
how
this became who i am.

none of you see me.
not ever.
because it's always there
and nobody knows it.

but it's such a huge part of my life
and has been
for the past
5 years of my life.

5 years.
can you believe that?
the sad part is, it's like a child.
the longer i have it around, the more i cherish it
and couldn't imagine life without it.
i want this gone, but i don't.
this is so terrifying.