i keep wondering

if maybe i should throw this away
before it's too late.
i really like trying to convince myself that i'm not human.
and that that's not arrogant, or selfish, or wrong.
but then i just start thinking about how wrong is relative
and how it's human nature to think that way
which is completely ironic
it's human nature
to want to be inhuman.
no, no.
it's human to see yourself as the best.
or to want to be the best.
whatever the best happens to be to you.
i'm so terrified.
i'm so fucking terrified, it isn't even remotely humorous.
i keep thinking maybe
i should throw this away
before throwing it away hurts.
all i can do is sit here
and try to think of something that doesn't make me feel really uneasy.
i mean, i know it's crazy
but literally everything lately
is making me feel panicky and flighty.
like some big huge black bear is chasing me
and there's just this really terrible feeling in my chest
because i know something bad's going to happen. or maybe i don't. maybe i'm being stupid and paranoid.
i wish i could feel like something is profound.
i wish i could have a solidified idea.
nothing is ever just
tangible or graspable, or in any kind of order that i can comprehend.
i feel like doing something to make me stop feeling so terribly and painfully uncomfortable.
i want to scream,
but in a way
that makes the little tendons and shit in my throat rip and tangle
until i'm gargling blood, and vomiting, and yelling simultaneously.
i want to rip at my face, and roll my eyes back in to my head
and rip them out and squish them in between my hands
and pull the flesh all off of my face
and tear the skin off of the rest of my body.
i want to writhe
and quake, and burst internally
and feel myself come apart, and break in a bloody mess.

and i have no idea why.

why isn't anybody my friend?
why isn't anybody my friend?
will you please just be my friend?
i really just want you to be my friend.
i really just want to feel like you're my friend.
i really just want to feel like i have someone that i want to be my friend.
i really just want somebody to be my friend in a way that's a friendly way, that makes me really amazed that they're my friend.
friend.
i like you friend. friend. you're my friend. you're such a good friend. you're my favorite friend. you're my absolute favorite, beautiful, amazing, and beautiful friend.
i don't mean a friend.
i have friends.
good friends.
i mean something that makes me feel ok.
that kind of friend.

i keep thinking about you. why do i keep thinking about you?
i really do just keep thinking about you. you're so fucking incredible.
i fucking love you.
i fucking love you so much, you don't even understand.
i fucking love you so much, it hurts.
it hurts.