i decided id write here today, because i need to write and i dont want to do it anywhere else. word pad feels dead and horrible. my journal feels dead and horrible. tumblr is just plain dead and horrible. and so im turning back to this old thing in hopes of maybe helping myself.

the truth is, im really feeling like shit right now. im sitting in stover, upstairs next to a window, and it's absolutely miserable. its gloomy out-not cloudy exactly, but a little bit overcast, and something about the way the trees are moving in the wind is so goddamn depressing. i feel like i can't open up my eyes all the way, and the lighting in this room is dim and yellow and shitty.

there are some people here, and right now, i hate all of them, even though i don't have a reason too. they're all making me feel sad and lonely. i'm almost mad at them for being so different from me. i know it's illogical but pretty much 90% of my emotions these days are illogical and ignoring them doesn't work so instead i'm going to acknowledge them.

im waiting for touring choir to get over and for Jon to come back here. I feel bad though. I hate feeling this way because it's fucking hell on me

but i also hate feeling this way because i don't want him to have to deal with it. i know he loves me and he wants to help me but i don't want him to have to deal with me. i just want to go curl up somewhere and hide until i feel a little less like dying. maybe cry a little bit. i don't want him to think he doesn't help me because he DOES. even if it doesn't seem like it, he really truly does. the best thing for me when i feel that way is to feel like a baby. if im help, and if i can hold on to someone i love who loves me and close my eyes and ignore the world for a while, i can be ok. i can't control how often i feel this way but i wish i could.

more than anything i wish i could understand it. that's all i want. i am so desperate for it. i'm aching with fucking desire that hurts because i want it so bad. i just want be able to help myself. i just want to be able to make it stop some way. there has to be some way to be able to make it stop.

those two things are constantly on my mind when i feel this way:
why am i feeling this way? what is causing it? is something going on inside of my brain that i don't conciously know about? is there some mutation, some fault, that is making me feel this way? will i ever be able to fix it? what if it's physical, not psychological and what if it can't be fixed? what if my brain is deformed. that has to be it. my brain has to be deformed. ive tried everything to make myself feel better. i've tried everything i'm supposed to try from distracting, to eating, to making lists of things im greatful for, to being mindful and none of it works. I've been on medication after medication after medication after medication and none of it will fix it. I've been in therapy for years now. I've been trying, pushing, doing everything I can do be happy. I've tried ignoring my thoughts, and replacing them with happy ones, but the emotion never changes. It's like the dendrites are getting the wrong message in my brain. it's interpreting all of the electrical impulses in my head as negative ones, one's that should trigger my terminal buttons burst the vesicles that will make me sad. it even interprets the happy thoughts as sad ones, and i continue to feel the same way. i can't control my brain when it decides to do this and i don't understand why. this has to be chemical. this has to be biological. there is no way in hell that my brain can be functioning correctly. I need to figure this out. I need to figure it out and change something. I will devote my whole life to this, to figuring this out, if it means helping someone else who gets to feeling like this. I'll volunteer myself to science. I want them to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my brain because it's not normal for somebody to feel this way, and it's not normal for someone's brain to function this wrong.

i feel real good now.

i feel

a lot better now.

sorting the contents :P

lately ive been very rapidly been switching back in forth, both emotionally and mentally, and it's so goddamn confusing and i don't understand it at all, or why it's happening. all i know is that it's driving me crazy, and i want it to stop. it's like in one moment i know how i feel and what i want and feel ok. and the next second, i have no idea what i'm feeling, and i start questioning myself and it scares me so i start to get really panicky and end up wanting to just fucking kill myself because it's the only thing that sounds even remotely appealing. it's like my wants won't match up with my feelings. they come out of allignment so i start to feel like i don't want certain things at that moment but it upsets me because in my mind i actually DO want them. and i know these things i actually still, in my heart, want to do, it's just that i'm so disconnected from myself that i don't feel anything at all.

for example:

i really want to make something of myself. become independent. have a life. get a job and pay my bills because i need something to work too, and that's what society says i have to do.

which i don't mind as long as you're with me

but then there are times

where i think about doing all that

even with you there

and i know i still want to do it

but i don't FEEL like i want to do it.

i feel like i just want to cry and curl up in to ball with you, or kill myself

because i've realized

when i get like that

i literally don't feel like doing anything because i'm not

IN myself enough to experience any impact on my emotions

it's like i've left my body, my concious mind or soul

and ive left my brain and organs behind

and they're still functioning.

emotions are still happening

and they let me know that i want something or don't want something

i can see what emotion my body reacts to things with

but i don't feel that emotion and it confuses me so terribly and absolutely terrifies me so that i don't even know which way is up or down and it's completely fucking horrible.

all i want is to feel.

when i feel, i'm ok.

which brings me to another anomaly that's really been bothering me lately

only not really. it's like my brain says it should bother me but it doesn't really trouble me.

weird things will start to feel appealing out of no where

and things that once sounded appealing will suddenly sound ridiculously unappealing.

the only thing that's stayed appealing is you, baby. and im so thankful for that because you're absolutely my life line and if i couldn't feel for you, i'd be so fucking distraught.

SO fucking distraught. because i love you so much, and you ground me and bring me back to earth and help me feel again and im so incredibly thankful for you.

but other things, my opinions have been randomly flopping back and forth on

like cigarettes will sometimes seem suddenly trashy and/or disgusting. and i'll think about them and get depressed.

and then the next second they'll sound appealing. the idea of them and all.

another thing is

i haven't really liked the idea of certain body modifications on me despite liking how they look on other people. i usually think i'd look un-classy or something and dirty and cliche and fucking annoying hipster-esque asshole-ish.

but today i was thinking about it

and i can not tell you how appealing the idea of gauging my ears, piercing my lip or something, getting a daisy or sunflower tattoo on the side of my neck, and dreading some of my hair sounds.

it sounds SO goddamn appealing and it's so out of the blue because for so long those things didn't sound the least bit appealing at all.

another thing that i've recently flipflopped on; California. California normally bores the fuck out of me; it's cliche, there's too many pot smoking assholes there, too many dumbass hippies/hipsters, and too many liberal extremists.

I don't know how long it's going to last, but for whatever reason, I wouldn't rather be anywhere in the world but there.

And i have absolutely no idea why, but I meant it when I texted you baby, and said I wanted to go out there with you and sing to you playing the acoustic guitar.

right now, all i want to do with my life is make music.

make music for free, and bring joy to people and making people happy and give hope back to people annd to inspire awe of liffe in to people. that's all i want. and i want to do it with you baby. i want to wear a flowy dress, annd get freckles on my shoulders, and wear sandles everywhere. i want to see you with a five o clock shadow and i want to wander aimlessly and have no real home but just stay with good people that are happy and kind and just GOOD every single night. Pure and good. No pot smoking, drinking, cigarette holding "naturalists"

REAL happy people who don't need any of those things

and WE won't need any of those things and it would be so incredibly wonderful and i would love it so incredibly much.

then we could have a baby and he or she could walk around with us and grow up learning to appreciate being alive. we can raise a beautiful and wise, wide eyed little child that glows with purity and goodness, as untainted as any person could possibly come when living in this world and be happy.

i don't want to ever stop moving. i don't want to ever sit somewhere, i just want to keep moving, and going and if i had my way sometimes

like right at this very moment

i'd spend my life in the air. on a plane.

going from flight to flight seeing as much of the earth as i could see because it would never get old and i would never see the same thing twice and it would be so goddamn fulfilling, and it would be even more-so fulfilling because you'd be there with me, taking it all in with me, and appreciating it the same as me, undistracted by the falicies of this "everyday life" we as a society has made up.

i can honestly say that that is all i fucking want right now.

there's a good chance that it'll change by tomorrow

but i know one thing that won't change-

i want you, Jonathan Charles Melchert, right there with me.

Because with you there, everything will be all the more fulfilling.

i love you Jonathan <3

you are by far

the only REALLY important thing in my life.

i love you baby.

i noticed today that i can't stay very angry with anybody for any legitimate amount of time, no matter what it is they do. i can't 100% dislike anybody. on the other hand though i feel like there are VERY few people i can actually like enough to deal with them very often either. what really troubles me about that fact is that i don't care. i don't even wish i had more friends. i have like, 3 friends, including my boyfriend, and i really don't think i could add another. it seems to me like my eloquence is absolutely gone anymore. i don't know how to form sentences that sound complete at this point in my life, and it's really rather disheartening because there was a time during the almost 18 year life span in my existence that i could do so quite easily. in any case that isn't the point. today, i've been thinking about a lot of people from my past, people that i claim to have hated, even as recently as a day or two ago but i realize when i stop and really start to think about it that all the people i dislike

i actually really like quite a bit in some way or another.

and it makes me want to laugh a little bit.

a lot of the time, i really am just jealous of people.

i'm honestly, pretty much jealous of everyone if i'm honest with myself.

i get mad when people challenge me

or remind me that i'm stupid and not profound at all.

i have pride issues and standards i hold myself too, not so i can make anybody else happy

but so i can make myself happy.

and i never know if im actually meeting those standards or not or just telling myself incorrectly that i am.

that's one of my biggest struggles in life.

i tried to keep everything in perspective

that's why i never insist that im right or that someone else is wrong.

because depending on the way you look at things

and where you're looking from the view is different

and in the end both of you are right.

i can't have hard feelings towards anyone.

everyone feels that their feelings are justified and sensible or else they wouldn't have them.

i need to stop trying to please everyone by saying what i think they want to hear.

it's a cop-out and i can be bigger than that.

every-time i step, my heart beat, the blood pumping as it races past my ears.

my eyes are coated, my lungs expand and contract, and i am moving;

moving; moving; moving

what what they think if they came down from the heavens for a week to join us?

how would they feel about watching us spit up all of our venom,

in a mucous textured wads of sadness and resent?

how would they feel about watching us confined within these invisible walls?

we come, and go,

wake, and sleep,

dread, and push through it

day in and day out.

the gravel underneath my feet is black and speckled with cigarette butts

and crumbled up gum wrappers.

i'm cold, and covered in rags that seem to shout to the people walking

by that i should be persecuted.

are they better than i am

because they gave in? are they better than me

because they gave it all away?

because they stayed inside the walls?

maybe the successful ones are the ones who look the worst. maybe they're dying. maybe they're hungry and homeless. but at least they're more alive than you could ever be.

i can't get away from here. i can't hop on a train and find a place to settle down because it's everywhere. we don't get a choice

we go because we have too.

because we live in a world where staying isn't an option.

if you stay

you rot.

if you stay

you can't do anything.

you have to live in resent.

puddles of resent

brainwashed in to thinking that you don't deserve to be happy

if you aren't first punished.

brainwashed in to thinking that you have freedom.

a mouse locked in a cage can decide wether or not he runs on his wheel or not

but he can't get out.

he can't decide anything outside of that cage.

and that cage is this world.

i'm dead.

i am dead and the only time my eyes open

and i can breathe

the only time i feel warm and full

the only time i can forget

is whenever i'm with you.