Ms. Anderson

used the word cacophony
and reminded me of this sort of poem i wrote about a week ago
that i keep meaning to put up here
but i never do.
honestly though, it was really one of my favorites.
because i just wrote everything that came in to my head
and it all came in this really unconscious stream of unorganized anger.
________________________________________________

AHAHAHA
fucking hysterical laughter
my cacophony of reason
just big words
or lack there of
so I must puke them.
I don't worry, be impressed
so I'll impress
my impressive impressionability.
You don't love me,
I'm a lyer and my waste is all of carpet dust
and rags
once soaked in cherries
to look like blood
cause i'm dramatic and throw tantrums at myself
& i deny that I'm not from a fucking cylinder that fell out of the sky
oh I'm no better than some margarin
I'm more butter on your moldy bread,
not less intoxicating than wine,
but more interesting;
Oh, no I'm not
but I could try
to be like a fucking blade of grass
but even then the wind would blow
& I would dance, & turn to shit
or vomit
in your kitties tummy
because at least i'd be something
oh want something- you have too.
What's wrong with it?
You lyer, oh, I'd love to pinch your cheeks between some scissors
till theres holes there bleeding through staining red all your teeth,
so you can be different
because you just can't accept that you're not just doing it
to drink yourself in to a coma.
Why does that bother you puddle? Do you have the way
you rose like all the moons around uranus?
oh miranda, oh miranda, rising moon of uranus, you're so silly, cause
you're just not
above what you know.
fucking keep writing
until your hand snaps off
so maybe you could conclude
in a way
that didn't make you admit
to caring about insignificance
to being pathetic
& like a parasite underneath you rotting flesh
that smells
and hate the way
you can't know yourself
you can't be shit
without being wrong
you can't not be shit
without being wrong
wrong
right
nothing is
fuck, nothing isn't.

_____________________________________________________

Note: All "you"s in the poem
was referring to me
like i was talking to myself.
just didn't want it to seem like i was yelling at other people.

3, Wed

I adore how the week's correlating with the date this week.
The first was Monday
The second was Tuesday
and today
the third
is Wednesday.

I was talking to my mommy the other day
and I told her that I think
that weeks should be more equivalent.
Like, two days at work, two days at home, two days at work, two days at home.
Because at the end of the first day, you'd already be through the week
and by the time you started really hating it
it would be over

for as many days as it was on
and it wouldn't be as bad.

but then we sort of started to pick it apart.
because a lot of work might go unfinished.
and there'd have to be 8 days in a week
otherwise
we couldn't keep track of days using days of the week
so basically it'd have to be
Monday Tuesday: On, Wednesday Thursday: Off, Friday Saturday: On, Sunday Monday: On, Tuesday Wednesday: Off.
So like, there wouldn't be any continuity..

Because the third day of the week is always Wednesday
so there'd have to be a whole new week created
if we wanted to keep the continuity.

and that would screw so much up.
like meetings scheduled, and dates, and Friday special, and lent, and weeks in a year.

It really pretty much sucks.
because things have to be set in their ways.
if we changed it
the whole world would be all bent out of shape.

I'm having one of those days where, 8 out of 10 things in existence
are managing to piss me off. As a result, all I feel like doing right now, is complaining.
I mean, actually, I feel like beating my head repeatedly off of a brick wall, and punching something until my knuckles are good and bloody.
But since that's not an option, complaining is pretty much all I have left.

Honestly, I don't even know why the hell I get like this.
I hate complaining so much. IT makes me feel petty, and shallow, and self centered, and like anyone who talks to me will see me as nothing but a complete and total downer.

Which is why instead of complaining around anybody else, I'm gonna write on here, where at least
anyone reading my complaints
will know I really regret feeling like I need to do so.

So anyways
I woke up
very angry this morning
simply because
I had to wake up.
I mean, that really pissed me off.
I opened my eyes, and all I could think was how wrong it was for us earth dwellers
to repeatedly ignore our body's indignation at having to awake, before a real rest is truely achieved.
It made me want to be a cave man again.
Not that I was ever a cave man before, but I've wanted to be a caveman before.

Because even though I'd be dirty
it's not like I'd know the difference.
And I could sleep however long I wanted, and I could go out and explore the lands
and I might actually have a chance at discovering something.
Which would be exciting- something that pretty much anybody could use more of.

Holy shit, I don't know why, but suddenly this whole blog is making me so FUCKING ANGRY.

Ugh, that's exactly the thing that I'm talking about.
I get these really weird moments of illegitimate enragement
and sometimes they can be really violent,
but usually they're not as common as they've been this past weekend.
I don't really know what my problem is.
It's not that anything in particular is pissing me off
it's just that my patience is really short fused.

What it feels like is some sort of PMS actually.
But technically that's not really possible, because I only got off of my period like, a week ago, tops.
And my recent rise in anger has only appeared on about Saturday, and Sunday.

Additionally, however
I also feel particularly repulsive looking. That is to say, if by chance
a mirror is available, and I happen to see myself in it
I often
want to throw a serious hissy fit.
Like, beating my legs, and stomach style

And it makes me feel really bad, because I just want to be in a goddam good mood.
I'm tired of it seeming like I'm constantly miserable.
I swear, if the world could juts see me outside of the prohibitive boundaries of man-made existential requirements
they would see an entirely different person.
When my heart is open, and swollen in enlightenment, with new experiences, and beautiful things-
it really does show.

I've already established that boundaries drive me nuts.
That I need to be able to fucking dissapere when I start to feel bored, or empty.
But if I can't, then the most I can be whilst in class
is neutral.
Even though
what I really want to be
is chipper
and excited
and bubbly and obnoxious.

Some days I can manage it.
But on the days I can't, I always feel really bad.
And inadeqate. Like, If other people can manage it on a daily basis, I should be able to too.
And it's not that I'm miserable in school.
It's just that I'm not excitable, or bouncy.
Which is really just more fun to be.
Not only for me, but for the people I enjoy being around.

That's why I'm ranting on here today.
So I can try harder to be bubbly
after I get all of my inhibiting thoughts out
in order to validate them
but not dwell on them for the rest of the day.

I don't want to want to punch somebody if they're not moving fast enough to suit me.
I don't want to want to yell at everybody in the room to please just shut the fuck up.
I don't want to want to complain about anything and everything that comes to mind.
I want my lack excitement to manifest itself in a more accepting way
as opposed to a wallowing way.

Because, more or less, my complaining is out of habit.
And it's exhausting, I'm sure, for just about anybody involved.

On the other hand, there are times, that my complaints are really founded.
For example
I keep burping up this really disgusting concoction of acidic omelet mixed with strawberry lemonade fit and active juice. So that's annoying.
Plus
I've had vertigo
for the past three days
so my eyes keep jerking off to the right whenever I move my head
so it's making me really dizzy, and I have no idea what it is that's causing it.

But in the case of like
"this table's stickkky D:!"
i could really back down.
And i could also not mention that I'm experiencing vertigo
because another thing people seem to think
is that I'm constantly sick
which isn't really accurate.
I just experience discomfort a lot
and I never fail to let the world know.
Because I'm so bothered by little things, like my knees hurting, or my head pounding,
that it just keeps pulsating in my head
leaving me with only "my head hurts" to say.
Which let's face it, isn't very interesting.

I guess when it comes down to it though
I'm not as bad as I could be.
At least I'm not obnoxious about it.
At least I don't complain about things
just to piss someone off
or just because
I don't like something that someone's doing.

It's a really fine line I think.
Because if someone's like, screweing with you
then sure
complaints are fine.
But if say, a teacher is using a computer to highlight/underling things
and she's not that great at it
I'm not bitchy enough
or rude enough
or arrogant enough to shout out
about how
"DAT MAKE IT HARDER TO READ"

i can't stand arrogance.
but on some really ironic plane, i think it's partially my own arrogance that makes me hate it.
Like if someone thinks they have the right to something
without doing anything to deserve them
I want to teach them a fucking lesson.
I want to destroy them until they're crying, and saying they're sorry,
and telling me I'm right, and that they're wrong.

I guess it's just another thing about me that makes me sick.
I just want to be able to ignore those people.
To laugh at them, because they're so off base.
I want to apply the knowledge that
people vary
and that they're
just being themselves.
Instead of being a hypocrite,
in my quest to be a good person.

In life, everything always ends up contradicting itself.
That's why you can't ever try for anything, because irony'll come out of no where to do something
that'll make it impossible. Or wrong in your eyes.
People say you should try to be the change you want to see.
But by doing that, you could technically it could really lead to arrogance.
And you could just end up thinking highly of yourself
when the very action of thinking high of yourself, makes you think low of yourself.
I myself, don't think highly of myself. I try to fix and head off all of the contradictions in my head and to be a nice person, and to be understanding, and compassionate, and empathetic everybody I can be.
Because even if I don't like how people act sometimes, everybody's got something going on inside.
But I'm afraid that focusing so much on teaching MYSELF to be nice to others
somehow makes me selfish.
Like I'm thinking about myself too much.
But I'm afraid that the fact that I'm thinking about myself to make other people happy
isn't enough to excuse the focus on me.

I've lost track of continunity at this point
and now, I'm basically just writing every contradiction, and corner my mind makes.
If i continue, I'll never be able to stop.
I just don't want to linger on this all day.
So i'm going to cut myself off, and forbid myself from thinking about it anymore.
I'm off to do silly things in financial literacy.

It's really sweet

the way you feel alone.
and the way you care.
and the way we all care.
and the way we all think we're so unique.
and untouchable.
and how we're all so hypocritical.

and the way
everything's so serious to everybody.

everyone's going through what you're going through.
they might not be thinking in exactly the same way.
or experiencing the exact same experience
but they're all thinking similar.

i remind me
you remind me
they remind me
we remind me

it reminds me

of how precious
we all really are.

because we all want so terribly to be something special
and i just don't know why
but everybody's so set on feeling like they're better than every body else
and i would just LOVE it
if we could all just put it to a halt.

wouldn't you love it
if you could just write something
without subconciousley trying to impress yourself?
or without subconciousley trying to impress somebody else?
or without trying to set yourself apart?
wouldn't you love it if you never wanted to appear any way in particular to you or anybody else.

wouldn't it be amazing
if we all stopped trying to put across
in our our silly little teenage blogs

that actually
WE are 2@11y going through something serious
that WE are the only ones who could ever understand how crazy it was inside of our head
that WE are the only ones different
and that WE're totally exempt of involvement
in everything we complain about.
like "stupid people"

i love the way
everybody still believes that such a person could ever exist.
because stupid is an idea.
and an opinion.
and completely relative.
and opinions mean nothing
to anybody but yourself
or someone who agrees with you.

i myself am tired of being that way.
wanting to be somebody.
i want to want to be nobody.

you can lie
and say
that you don't care about a thing.

but if that was true
you'd run away
or say what was on your mind no matter what.

but honestly
why do we all have it in our heads
that caring is such a bad thing.
it's a balance.
everything's a balance.
because all we are, are animals.
swimming with our human nature
and trying to sustain ourselves the best we possibly can.

for no other reason
that it's simply in our nature.

i don't want to hear you metaphors.
of intrinsic meaning.
because all it does is remind me
how we all feel so down about being the same
even though
exactly the same is impossible.

but essentially the same is inevitable.

i'm so happy anymore.
because everything's beautiful.
and im ok with myself.
and i'm realizing that nothing can make my life but me.
and because i have an extra additive.
of that beautiful boy,
i was writing about on Tuesday May the 12th.

I just wish everybody could take a step back.
and laugh at the fact
that by some chance of nature
we all came to "be", as we call it.
and that we could all see how silly it is
that we all get so bent out of shape
over things that we ourselves created.

Baby

I THINK IT'S HIGH TIME I STOP WRITING ONLY WHEN IM DOWN.

Because I've been up a lot lately.
And I really want the world to know it.



I'm so glad that I'm alive.

because everything's so goddamn beautiful, i swear i could cry :D

So anyways
I was reading something I wrote a little bit ago
and I think
already
i've changed my mind

i've decided that i like people that can smoke
and drink, etc. etc. etc.
because they can hold themselves accountable, and still be good people
as opposed to those folks
that are so weak willed
they let it take over their life.
i mean, they're not weak willed actually. they just have different heads
which is totally fine
but i mean
it's a beautiful thing
that people can do things that make them happy
because life is so beautiful
and you should really just do whatever it is that makes you happy.

i feel like i could go on in life without ever worrying again.
today, i woke up in a really bad mood.
and nothing in particular happened.
i just suddenly feel like i've had an epiphany.





i keep writing, and rambling and running my mouth like a locomotive engine
and i'm doing it because i feel like making somebody
anybody hear
that i really feel like bursting
and i have a feeling that no matter what
it's going to stay that way

because i'll make it.
i'm a bumble bee
and my stripes fell off
and i'm not defending myself anymore
i'm just a fuzzy black bee
or maybe i'm a wasp
and i look like licorice
or maybe i'm an annoying teenage girl who is going through a stage where she's entirely happy about anything and everything that is

everything looks stunning right now.
even a piece of thread from the rug.

Actually

Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.
George Bernard Shaw

Mark Overby
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.

You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love.

Whatever man. I hope something really terrible happens to me. I wish I could hear myself think. And that I understood what I want. All I keep thinking about is maybe having a heart attack. I know it's messed up, and sadistic. But I swear, I want something horrible to happen to me more than anything.
I want to get hit by a car.
Or get struck by lightning. Or collapse due to dehydration.
I want something
I want anything
that'll let me run away.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again and again and again; I'm a fucking runner. When I feel, it goes too deep. And I can't handle it. Or comprehend it. And it stews in my brain, rotting, and burning, and turning everything in to mush, until I bend over, and my entire mind comes seeping from my nose and eyes. I keep trying to figure out why other people can handle their thoughts and I can't handle mine. And the only thing I can really think of is just that I'm too goddam weak minded or something to be able to exist peacefully, and to try to make sense of both my conscious and my unconscious thoughts. Or maybe, like, I'm missing something. Maybe I'm missing some key ingredient that acts as an autopilot to shut the gears in my head down before it goes in to overdrive, and starts driving me crazy, because suddenly, nothing makes sense. That's why, lately, I've been feeling like all I really want to hope for, is something traumatic. So I could at least have something ligitimit to focus on. So I wouldn't be so at a loss as to what it is that's fucking with me. And that way, I could just lay in a hospital bed, for days at a time, in the physical pain I deserve away from everybody who makes my head hurt. I don't know why I feel like I deserve physical pain. But I feel like punishing myself for something. Maybe for not being smart enough to understand. Maybe for being a human being in the first place. Who really knows? Clearly not I.



just a note:
i hate compliments. i hate them so much.
i don't know why. they should make me feel happy.
but they always just end up making me feel guilty. or sad. or awkward. or annoying. or ungreatful.

i'm so tired right now. i'm tired of being in school and being tired. im tired of going to the guidence councelor and complaining about the same shit. i'm tired of repeating myself, and nothing ever changing. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of doing nothing. i'm tired of letting things be. i'm tired of being. i'm tired of being tired of being.
FUCK THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. Nothing's going to change.
Two more years Miranda. Two more years Miranda. Two more years Miranda. Two more years.
Ahaha, baby doll
you lucky porclean darling in the ground
i'd trade you places in aheart beat, cause you'd have done better
and that's all that you wanted
and you wouldn't have caused all the trees so muchfood.
No, you'd have treasured that murmur
although you mayn't have scurried
over the dunes of the deserts,
you'd at least see the sun
and at least
those trees
would be thankful
not humming
in horror
at the golden gate bridge
imposing
pounding in helplessness
upon it's black stretch
why isn't it breathing
underneath the gray blanket
it's decaying from the inside to the out in the flesh
gills that are filled with dreams of solid gold
suffocating for dreams that will only be reached
at the end of the world.

Change of Heart

Actually
I changed my mind.
I think I'm done with people.

I can't really do it anymore.
I don't like it.
It reminds me of how selfish and hypocritical I am.
It hurts other people's feelings
so I just
want to be done.



i feel like blaming someone.
saying thanks for making me afraid of you all
but really
it's all my fault.
all of it.
ALL OF IT.
Don't ask me to explain myself because I'm not going too.

Im tired of feeling this way.
I need a way out. Because I don't know how I can feel like
"I can't do this anymore"
and continue to "do this"