I'm having one of those days where, 8 out of 10 things in existence
are managing to piss me off. As a result, all I feel like doing right now, is complaining.
I mean, actually, I feel like beating my head repeatedly off of a brick wall, and punching something until my knuckles are good and bloody.
But since that's not an option, complaining is pretty much all I have left.

Honestly, I don't even know why the hell I get like this.
I hate complaining so much. IT makes me feel petty, and shallow, and self centered, and like anyone who talks to me will see me as nothing but a complete and total downer.

Which is why instead of complaining around anybody else, I'm gonna write on here, where at least
anyone reading my complaints
will know I really regret feeling like I need to do so.

So anyways
I woke up
very angry this morning
simply because
I had to wake up.
I mean, that really pissed me off.
I opened my eyes, and all I could think was how wrong it was for us earth dwellers
to repeatedly ignore our body's indignation at having to awake, before a real rest is truely achieved.
It made me want to be a cave man again.
Not that I was ever a cave man before, but I've wanted to be a caveman before.

Because even though I'd be dirty
it's not like I'd know the difference.
And I could sleep however long I wanted, and I could go out and explore the lands
and I might actually have a chance at discovering something.
Which would be exciting- something that pretty much anybody could use more of.

Holy shit, I don't know why, but suddenly this whole blog is making me so FUCKING ANGRY.

Ugh, that's exactly the thing that I'm talking about.
I get these really weird moments of illegitimate enragement
and sometimes they can be really violent,
but usually they're not as common as they've been this past weekend.
I don't really know what my problem is.
It's not that anything in particular is pissing me off
it's just that my patience is really short fused.

What it feels like is some sort of PMS actually.
But technically that's not really possible, because I only got off of my period like, a week ago, tops.
And my recent rise in anger has only appeared on about Saturday, and Sunday.

Additionally, however
I also feel particularly repulsive looking. That is to say, if by chance
a mirror is available, and I happen to see myself in it
I often
want to throw a serious hissy fit.
Like, beating my legs, and stomach style

And it makes me feel really bad, because I just want to be in a goddam good mood.
I'm tired of it seeming like I'm constantly miserable.
I swear, if the world could juts see me outside of the prohibitive boundaries of man-made existential requirements
they would see an entirely different person.
When my heart is open, and swollen in enlightenment, with new experiences, and beautiful things-
it really does show.

I've already established that boundaries drive me nuts.
That I need to be able to fucking dissapere when I start to feel bored, or empty.
But if I can't, then the most I can be whilst in class
is neutral.
Even though
what I really want to be
is chipper
and excited
and bubbly and obnoxious.

Some days I can manage it.
But on the days I can't, I always feel really bad.
And inadeqate. Like, If other people can manage it on a daily basis, I should be able to too.
And it's not that I'm miserable in school.
It's just that I'm not excitable, or bouncy.
Which is really just more fun to be.
Not only for me, but for the people I enjoy being around.

That's why I'm ranting on here today.
So I can try harder to be bubbly
after I get all of my inhibiting thoughts out
in order to validate them
but not dwell on them for the rest of the day.

I don't want to want to punch somebody if they're not moving fast enough to suit me.
I don't want to want to yell at everybody in the room to please just shut the fuck up.
I don't want to want to complain about anything and everything that comes to mind.
I want my lack excitement to manifest itself in a more accepting way
as opposed to a wallowing way.

Because, more or less, my complaining is out of habit.
And it's exhausting, I'm sure, for just about anybody involved.

On the other hand, there are times, that my complaints are really founded.
For example
I keep burping up this really disgusting concoction of acidic omelet mixed with strawberry lemonade fit and active juice. So that's annoying.
Plus
I've had vertigo
for the past three days
so my eyes keep jerking off to the right whenever I move my head
so it's making me really dizzy, and I have no idea what it is that's causing it.

But in the case of like
"this table's stickkky D:!"
i could really back down.
And i could also not mention that I'm experiencing vertigo
because another thing people seem to think
is that I'm constantly sick
which isn't really accurate.
I just experience discomfort a lot
and I never fail to let the world know.
Because I'm so bothered by little things, like my knees hurting, or my head pounding,
that it just keeps pulsating in my head
leaving me with only "my head hurts" to say.
Which let's face it, isn't very interesting.

I guess when it comes down to it though
I'm not as bad as I could be.
At least I'm not obnoxious about it.
At least I don't complain about things
just to piss someone off
or just because
I don't like something that someone's doing.

It's a really fine line I think.
Because if someone's like, screweing with you
then sure
complaints are fine.
But if say, a teacher is using a computer to highlight/underling things
and she's not that great at it
I'm not bitchy enough
or rude enough
or arrogant enough to shout out
about how
"DAT MAKE IT HARDER TO READ"

i can't stand arrogance.
but on some really ironic plane, i think it's partially my own arrogance that makes me hate it.
Like if someone thinks they have the right to something
without doing anything to deserve them
I want to teach them a fucking lesson.
I want to destroy them until they're crying, and saying they're sorry,
and telling me I'm right, and that they're wrong.

I guess it's just another thing about me that makes me sick.
I just want to be able to ignore those people.
To laugh at them, because they're so off base.
I want to apply the knowledge that
people vary
and that they're
just being themselves.
Instead of being a hypocrite,
in my quest to be a good person.

In life, everything always ends up contradicting itself.
That's why you can't ever try for anything, because irony'll come out of no where to do something
that'll make it impossible. Or wrong in your eyes.
People say you should try to be the change you want to see.
But by doing that, you could technically it could really lead to arrogance.
And you could just end up thinking highly of yourself
when the very action of thinking high of yourself, makes you think low of yourself.
I myself, don't think highly of myself. I try to fix and head off all of the contradictions in my head and to be a nice person, and to be understanding, and compassionate, and empathetic everybody I can be.
Because even if I don't like how people act sometimes, everybody's got something going on inside.
But I'm afraid that focusing so much on teaching MYSELF to be nice to others
somehow makes me selfish.
Like I'm thinking about myself too much.
But I'm afraid that the fact that I'm thinking about myself to make other people happy
isn't enough to excuse the focus on me.

I've lost track of continunity at this point
and now, I'm basically just writing every contradiction, and corner my mind makes.
If i continue, I'll never be able to stop.
I just don't want to linger on this all day.
So i'm going to cut myself off, and forbid myself from thinking about it anymore.
I'm off to do silly things in financial literacy.