Von. Negut

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be"




there's something really beautiful about how debilitated my neighborhood looks and is.
all i want to do is take pictures of everything anymore
but when i do i end up getting really angry because pictures make everything look so teensy and close together
even though when you're looking at them with your eyes
it all looks so expansive,
and enveloping.

there's something's significant about where you're standing.
it has a lot to do with how things look as lovely as they do.

and if you can't see
peripherally
all the seemingly not so important other things around you
that actually added to the image without you realizing it,
the picture doesn't look the same, and you end up throwing the camera at the ground
even though it isn't yours
and if you destroy it you'll have to pay 500 dollars.

images have atmospheres
and i like it when i take a picture
and manage to capture it.

i'm walking up the hill right now, and it's so hot
but things couldn't be more interesting.
i'm afraid of the people in their trucks that call out to me, and honk their horn
but not as afraid as I'd be if I hadn't always lived here.

i keep thinking about how i wonder if it's March 31st
or April 1st.
I don't even know how many days March has.
That's the real problem.

I wonder if I would ask someone
and they'd tell me
"it's the 31st"
only to turn around and laugh at me hysterically before dropping their charade
to tell me in sordid tones "April fools" , before slumping their shoulders so far forward
they disappear within them
leaving me to wonder why
April Fools even exists at all.

Most people get so caught up in being alive
they forget all about it.
Wouldn't it be great if we did that for every Holiday?

I just looked at the date in the corner of the screen.
It's march 31st.

I want to explain what I feel a lot
but i don't think we have a very developed vocabulary/developed understanding of our silly little selves
to have created the means to do so.

have you ever been
so taken with a situation
that's just so fucking precious
it makes you want to cry?
you're happy, and feel amazed, and sentimental towards it
but at the same exact time,
you've never felt more empty in your entire life.

i'm so glad people kiss each other.
it's such a strange thing to do
but it makes us feel good.
if everyone would be infatuated with everyone else
we'd be the happiest, stupidest, most pathetic animals in existence.

then again,
who's to say that we already aren't?




"My god! -- 'life!'... Who can understand even one little minute of it? 'Don't try' he said 'just pretend you understand.'"

yeh

mailmaneasterhappyfeelit

for the record, i really do like peanut m&m's.

every day,
i walk up this hill.
i used to be able to turn around half way up,
and see a banana drawn by some half-assed "Grafitti Artist"
who couldn't even take the time to get good before he had to get the rush.
it was ugly,
and pretty disfigured
and it might not have been a banana at all,
but instead a yellow penis shaft with black lines going down it, like unhealthy urine.
either way, it used to be there. now it's covered up with this really awful looking green color patch
that doesn't match the color green of the building.
i don't even know what that building's supposed to be for, but i like it there,
because it makes me feel comfortable.
there are some pictures hung in the upper windows
like maybe someone has an appartment there
but i've lived here 17 years next month
and i've never seen a soul go inside, or come outside.

there's also a church on the way up this hill that i see.
but the further i walk,
the less of it i see
because eventually i get to it's roof
and if i jumped over the railing,
i could probably stand on it or fall through.
there's always bird shit on that railing and i wonder how it's possible that it stays there as long as it does.
probably because no one touches it because they figure it'll have bird shit on it.

there's this little window though, in this church.
on the ground floor, that i have to look down almost to see.
and there's a table or a counter, or something seemingly solid
on which an overturned cup is standing
a few inches from this really yellowed newspaper.
i want to vandalize that church, just to see what that newspaper says.
i want to know the day of that newspaper, and what happened on it, more than anything else i can think of.
i want to imagine somebody being there
in that time
like they're someone from a different universe
going about their normal function
no matter how mundane.

my mail man asked me my name today.
my gut instinct is to feel really good
because maybe it shows that people still care enough about people to address them personally
even if it's just to say hello.
but then
it get's absolutley ruined.
it get's broken,
or pissed on,
or blown up,
or whatever you want to call it
because there are people everywhere
wide eyed saying things like "the mail man wants you"
"you shouldn't tell strangers your name"
"that's creepy"
and maybe they're right.
maybe I'm being naive by thinking of it as a nice thing as opposed to a creepy thing.
but i feel better thinking about it as a nice thing, so i'm going to continue too, unless something legitimate happens to change my mind.

yesterday
my physics teacher decided to teach my class about how miniscule me are in the scale of the universe.
i didn't know
that nobody knew that.

and everybody kept saying
it made them feel meaningless
and unimportant
and sad.

but i didn't agree with that

importance only exists in the mind of human being.
it's an abstract idea.
there is no such thing as important
so no one can be important or not important.
they just are.

even if
you destroyed the universe
that is neither significant/not significant
it just is.

and see
i like the fact that i'm so fucking tiny
because it means
that i don't have to take anything in life seriously
if it doesn't make me happy.
i just have to follow my human instinct to self sustain
and do so in any way that i see fit.

and if that doesn't include some made up society-

then:
i don't have to participate in it.

don't fucking contradict me. don't cast judgment on me.
it's relative to the person.

this is what's real to me.
what's real to you
can stay real to you.

"It feels so true. Is it real? Is it-was it-a part of 'objective' reality, or is it only a feeling, some joke of the mind or flaw of the brain that fools us in to believing what otherwise would be obvious foolishness? Is it a vision of ultimate truth, a piece of the pattern that makes up reality, or is it a delusion"-Evan Harris Walker, The Physics of Consciousness


This is what I'm trying to say.
I've said it in the past apparently
because this is compiled
of thing from old blogs:

"I’m sick of everybody listening to the noise in their head and not realizing that it’s just fucking ruckus that’s there for no goddamn reason. The reason we’re fucking driven to self sustain and therefore, have things in life be easy, could be the same exact mother fucking reason virus’s are by nature programmed to sustain. The reason anybody wants to be interesting, or unique, is so that they don’t feel like they’re not important. Don’t fucking lie, you want to feel important. You want to feel pompous and fucking proud of yourself. You want everyone to suck your motherfucking dick. And because even if you don’t want to be alive, you want to WANT to be alive. You want to want to be happy. BECAUSE ITS BORN IN TO YOU.

I’ll sit around and act like I’m fucking tough; sure. And the fact of the matter is, the more I realize that all of my feelings and emotions aren’t serious to anyone but me BECAUSE I’m me, and BECAUSE it’s in my nature, the more I’m starting to realize that to decide that anything is important is pointless, and to decide that anything is pointless is pointless, and that all I’ll ever be good for is contradicting myself.

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE A BEGINNING?

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE AN END?

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE AN EXPLANATION?
WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO MAKE SENSE?
BECAUSE WE WERE BORN IN TO BODIES, THAT, IN ORDER TO KEEP UP SUSTAINED, TOLD US TO SEEK ALL THAT SHIT OUT.

I don’t fucking believe in evil because the idea of evil implies that there is a good, and a bad, and there’s not a definitive good and bad. Nothing makes sense and it doesn’t have too. I don’t want it too. I don’t want to see anybody, or know anybody, I just want to sit around, and smoke cigarettes, and remember times when people around me weren’t so impressed by themselves to a point where they hated themselves for not being impressive enough.

I don’t want to be anything. I want to be a nobody. I don’t want to belong to a world, I don’t want to be ruled by rules of humanity, but I am, so I have to deal with it.

I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. You’re so stupid. We’re so stupid. Stupid doesn’t even fucking exist.

That’s not true.

I don't believe in true or false
right or wrong
real or fake.
nothing is
and nothing isn't"

not going. staying in. curling up. being sleepy. you're so beautiful, but i really couldn't care less. i feel sick. i wish i looked like aubrey plaza because she looks like someone i know. and that someone i know you know. i wish i had some quality that was interesting. i know she doesn't have any interesting qualities either, but somehow, you still find her interesting. you're a waste of my time, and this whole thought process is a waste of my time, so i'm done sounding like a pathetic saddo for the time being. have fun with your ugly yet attractive seemingly unique girl. i'm not feeling happy.

i wish something would stimulate me.

the other day i saw a man with hair down to his ankles.

it was all knotted looking and nappy

and he had a red cut off t-shirt on

that was tucked in to these really shiny swishy red pants.

i don't know why but it didn't surprise me.

everyone around me though start giggling

and pointing at him

and i felt really bad.

i think there's something wrong with me

not with everybody else and that's where we differ.

i don't know if it's better

to be sure of yourself even when you're wrong, because that way at least you're confident in what you're doing

or

if it's better

to think you're wrong even when you feel like you're right.

no body looks at fucking relativity.

everybody really likes it

and finds it easier to live like they're thoughts are solidified without stepping outside of themselves

for a second

to realize that thinking something about someone

doesn't make it true

it makes it how they feel

and i guess a lot of people don't care

because i mean

nothing really does matter

besides what you feel i guess

but i like to look at things relatively

because it makes me realize i don't have to take things so seriously.

i'm contradicting myself right now.

and all the time.

and i know it, but i just can't stop it.

i love it when people use tape for cuts instead of band-aids.

i don't care if it can't breathe.

it's one of my favorite things to see.

yesterday was so beautiful. it was so sunny.

and so nice.

and i laid on a bench in the middle of nowhere

and my stupid tights got all fucked up

but i didn't care.

every time someone walked past, i thought about what would happen if i shot them.

and then i thought about what would happen if i kissed them.

we ate fish and i wanted to cry.

how can someone be a vegetarian and hate people?

i thought they loved animals.

i like to watch people.

but i don't know how to talk to them

or be interested by a lot of them

or interest a lot of them

or interact with a lot of them.

but when i watch them i feel really good

especially when they curl up against a sunny window.

i start thinking about my cat when he basks in the sun beaming through the window. i can see all the little dust particles on him and it bothers me a little

but mostly i just like how it's natural

how some things

are just natural

to like.

i like that people are naive, and fragile,

and able to be amused.

it's precious,

and i don't think we ever really change from being a baby.

we're just different kinds of babies.

my favorite thing in the world is to look at someone's face

and to find it so unbearably beautiful, i want to cry.

you're face is that beautiful, boy.

it's so beautiful.

whenever you bite in to penicils there's always that feeling like you want to bite harder.

whenever you feel something soft

there's always that feeling like you want to have your hand immersed in it,

and it almost makes you angry, so you pull at it, and clench your fists, and scream a little until you start coughing.

STUPIDUPIDUPID

I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT WASN'T ABOUT WHO YOU'LL ASSUME IT'S ABOUT

unnecessary

we're all just a silly little bunch of animals roaring at each other to step away from our pride rock.

i was writing in detention today.
i went this time which is good because i won't have in school tomorrow
which is
well
i don't care either way to be honest.

this is what i was thinking about:

I don't believe in love.
I mean as a magical thing or a whimsical force.
I don't believe it's special or genuine or that people have soul mates.

Don't get me wrong- I believe that two people can have personality's that make an attraction more stable and/or intense.
But it all comes back to chemicals and human instinct.

Whether or not infatuation lasts,
I think it's based strongly on how agreeable one finds another person.

The person that makes you question if maybe your connection is beyond chemical
is the one for whom your chemicals are most out of wack.
Mind tricks.
I'm always trying to fight with myself and prove to myself that I'm strong enough, superior enough,
to ignore innate longing like that and I never know why
because i really hate it.

After all, consciously, I don't want to be better than anybody.
Because after all, who am I to think I should be better?

Nobody.
That's who.
Nobody is anybody.
The only reason everyone always has that feeling of entitlement to things,
or thinks of themselves as important or interesting or unique
is because to self sustain, one must feel that way.

When people "Fall in love"
nothing more or less beautiful than grass growing is happening.
Pheromones were exchanged and approved of.
Physical attraction was established.
A conversation is had, and the two people happen to have personality's that make conversations easy and enjoyable for both of them.

Similar or different
traits
quirks,
and characteristics are admired of each other.

And the longer the two are together
they build more good memories
experiences
oppinions of the other,
and trust,
strengthening the infatuation.

They grow comfortable
and stay with each other for the rest of their lives.

When someone infatuates me, I feel like not only am I experiencing something otherworldly, but that the person to whom I'm attracted too is otherworldly as well.
On occasion, I take it seriously-- when I absolutely can't help it.
But even when I feel like it's most important thing in my waking existence
I know that I'm full of shit
and that nothing special is happening at all.
It only feels so magical to be infatuated with someone to make people want it
or else
the population would dwindle,
and the human race would die off.
Which in reality is neither good nor bad
but we're sort of programmed to think of it as bad
just like virus's are programmed to continue to live.

I'm very redundant you know.

The funny thing is
I've never wanted to not believe that love only chemical because of anybody but you.
I've never fought off the idea that how I feel has all to do with chemicals
like I fight it off with you.

I honestly question if maybe something magical and crazy is happening sometimes.

But like I said- the person who makes you start to think maybe there is something mystical involved with infatuation
is really just the person
for whom you've been the most chemically fucked around with.

I can pick out what it is about you that I like that.
I remember talking to you and feeling like you were the closest to having the potential,
the mind
the depth
to see things the way i do
even without me being able to explain myself out loud.
You're so quick witted- your mind is so sharp.
You're more intriguing and unique than anybody I can ever remember meeting
And even the ways in which you're different are different.

And every difference is enticing
and endearing.

I'm probably crazy, and making things up in my head.
But I feel like you feel things different than anyone. Like you're so wise
and so enlightened
and don't know it

or can't put it in to words

or feel like you don't know
and never will know a god damn motherfucking thing.

You're strong. Powerful. Dominant.
But troubled. Hurt. Angry. Bitter. Hopeless. Sad. And Exhausted.
When I met you
I thought your encasement was so perfect.

You look so real.
So tangible
like you're made up of a completely different kind of particle amidst a swarming ocean of soft and blurry ones.
I've never seen somebody so easy to look at-
someone so relieving to look at.
Someone so absolutley perfect and beautiful and inviting and comforting.

If you were a pool,
I think I'd like to drown in you.
I want you to surround me
and fill me
and explode me in to tiny little pieces that keep filling
and bursting with exaltation

I want to see your wide bright eyes
your dark expressive brows that act as an awning for all the information you take in, above that smile, rather rare
but so big
i could warm the whole universe with it.

Between dimples that make me want to cry
because it feels like I'm looking at your innocence,
covered up in your search and your confusion
and unrest.
I want to lose myself with you in a crowd again.
In a parade full of so much commotion, like a living metaphor, as we let go of some of that tornado and debri in our heads

while we're screaming and punching, like you did
and made me want to hug you
For doing what I need.
For needing what I need.
For showing me the light by opening my eyes to the fact that spewing it all out isn't as impossible like I though.


See all that?
None of that is even real.
All of that is a petty human being.
I'll forget all this soon.
Everything will pass.
And i won't remember why I favored you so much.
I'm just an animal.
You're just an animal. We're all just animals.

P.S. Andy Warhol Is Cliche.

God Damn Shame

sometimes when i scream
i scare myself.

i did when i got home on Friday
because no one was there.

my neighbors all knocked on my door to see if i was ok.
i acted like i had no idea what they were talking about.

i saw this girl yesterday
and i've never felt so violent in my life.
i told myself i didn't care.
but i do, to an extent.
to an extent where it was important to me
that you felt

like i found you unimportant.

really, i'm sure you didn't even pay attention.
because i'm a creep and i'm sure
even though it's not something i'd cry over
i care 1000 times more than you.
in fact, i know you don't care at all.
and i don't know why i give a fuck.
but i do.
just a little.

i just want to punch somebody.
that's why i like pits.
i like throwing my fists in to people, and being launched across the floor
like when you're in the ocean
and you get under a wave
and it rips at you and bends you in ways you never thought possible
before throwing you against the sand that cuts your back
and shoulders and knees and ankles.

i wish i could just get out of everybody's way.
sometimes it feels like all i have to do is exist to cause someone a problem.
i don't want to cause anybody problems.
it's never my intention to bother anyone
or annoy anyone
and it breaks me to fucking bits when i do.

sometimes
i get worried and start to think i would have made a better boy.
but then i say things like that
and i realize i wouldn't be.

i think sometimes i talk like a boy
and laugh like a boy
and think like a boy

but i don't know if a lot of the thing i feel
are typically felt by boys.
plus,
i guess there's that whole not wanting to have sex with a girls thing.
i guess that kind of contradicts the whole making-a-better-guy thing too.

i want to be dainty, precious, petite, fragile, and sweet.
i want somebody to want to take care of me, and to protect me.
but at the same time
i want to be tough,
unsuspectingly strong,
able to hold my own ground
and able to really hurt somebody if i have too.

but what i really want is to not want to be anything at all.

i don't want to want a god damn thing.

but i do. i want that to be me and you.
just one time.

and i want to read The Elegant Universe
and talk to someone about it.
i want to really understand things like string theory
and my ever obsession: quantum mechanics.
i hate it. i hate it so much.
somebody make me stop wanting.
it's so awful.

nitpick

i do it so much.
it's really becoming a problem.
but honestly,
the only thing i have a problem with is myself.

Most of the time, I like to pretend that I can ignore petty things like feelings and instincts.
They're not petty for anybody else,
only for me.
Not because I'm better.
But because I'm looking to be skilled in something
so i can feel proud of something
so i can want to be alive.

But I don't want to want to be skilled in anything.
I don't want to want to feel proud of something.
Somehow, I have that as being wrong.
Again: not for anybody else.
But for me.

Who the fuck am I to think I should be above it?
No one is, and no one can be
INHUMAN
whether I like it or not.
Normally I don't stop to feel bad for myself. More than anything, I'm just angry with who I am. I hate that instead of "putting that energy in to changing", I use it for contempt.
I hate that I ignore my feelings because I want to prove to myself that I'm not shallow.
I hate that I want to need no one.

Most of the time, I really don't need anybody.
Actually, I've trained myself so that it's all of the time, if I'm being honest.
But every once in a while.
when i get to start thinking
and it hits me
that i'm just a slave to my body and controlled by a hopeless sickness, all i can do is cry because of the overwhelming difficulty it causes.

It's tiring to climb a mountain every day, only to fall and down
and repeat the process all over again.

I don't want anybody to be at my Beck and Call.
All I want is somebody warm, who hugs me, and holds me like they're trying to heal every broken bone in my body.
Somebody who rocks me, and strokes my hair and tears, while humming to me, and murrming
"you're so brave baby girl. you're so strong
and so good
and so beautiful
and so brave"

On Monday,
I felt so ugly. I think I feel that way
when I start getting sick at the thought of myself.
So I find ways to give myself reasons to hate myself that I can take care of.

People are so beautiful.
They're so valuable, and wonderful, and fragile, and lost.
They-we- are all like puppies, dropped off at our new owner's home;
Wondering, confused, innocent, and driven by instinct to survive.

Or maybe you could say we're all like little toddlers, who come to the aid of their newborn baby brother their pacifier because it's what they always use to soothe themselves.
A girl in my Algebra class turned to me the other day is class. She'd spoken to me in a friendly manor in passing on a few occasions in the past, and she caught my attention today by facing my direction.
"Hey"
she said pleasantly, catching my eyes.
"You're really pretty" she continued matter-of-factly
and I wanted nothing more than to smile, and cry and tell her that she was beautiful too, because I always really thought shew was.

I'd never felt more disgusting in my life and she'd had no idea. I can't think of one thing
I needed to hear more than that, and she had gone ahead and said it.

Sometimes, I like to give out the same type of unexpected compliments.
And having one given to me just makes me want to do it all the more often.
Wouldn't it be incredible if everybody said everything nice that they thought about everyone?
Can you imagine how good everybody would feel?

On Saturday,
I went to a rave, and I met this wonderful boy.
He was smoothe, and tan skinned with blue eyes, and typical surfer boy hair.
He had dimples, and soft lips, and a toned back and arms and there was a tattoo on his right outer bicep.
I told him what I thought of him.
I told him I wasn't going to beat around the bush.
I told him I would have to leave in five minutes.
I told him I wanted to kiss him
and in response
he smiled at me and then
he kissed me.

Maybe that's how it would be if everyone told everybody the nice things they thought.
Or at least acted on the nice things they thought.

I wish I wouldn't have disappeared.
I wish I would have asked his name.
I don't think I'll ever see him again
and that makes me feel so incredibly sorry.

today

i picked up a half smoked cigarette off of the ground and smoked it in the basement
with the door open
so nobody would know

it was gross but i liked that it came from the ground
because i could think about who's it was
and it felt like it had a little more fiber to it
just because of it's past.

i hate cigarettes with a fucking passion.
i hate teenagers that smoke them.
i hate how everybody thinks it's fucking cool.
i'll never smoke a cigarette again unless i'm completely alone.
i don't want anyone to see me
because i don't want to look like i'm trying to prove something.
i don't want anyone to know.
i'll never tell a motherfucking soul.

lately i feel absolutely infatuated with the idea
of good looking fellows
manners
and overbearing kindness.

yesterday on the T there was a crazy man.
It's funny how you see things like that in movies
and you never think they really happen like that
but they always do.
I've never seen an insane person off of a bus or a Trolley.

He actually made me really sad, and all i wanted
more than anything in the world
was to know what it was like to be him.
Because he was talking to people that weren't there.
And all i wanted was to see them too.

He kept talking about Aruba
and wanting to find it.
He said when someone found it
they should tell him
and that they could all meet up there
with bags of sand and water
he would have a sign
and everyone would do whatever they wanted as long as it was legal.
then he asked some girl where she was from
to which she replied, looking rather uncomfortable and alarmed
"North Carolina"
He looked at her with these beady little eyes, with the rash on his face and grinned.
"Outer space!?" he asked.
The girl nodded, not bothering to correct him.
"I knew it. You look like a spectrum. You know what that is?"
"No"
"It's like a satellite. You know... the central intelligence agency is looking for these little bears. These bears that fly upside-down, even when you're sober"
a spectrum has nothing to do with satellites that i can think of.
Did he really believe that, or was he just trying to sound intelligent.

The day before yesterday
a woman stopped her car
and asked if i wanted a ride up the hill.
It made me want to cry.
It was so genuine. So gracious. So caring.
And she'd never even seen me before.

On the bus this afternoon, there was a baby,
and his father was holding him
and playing with him
and looking down at him like he adored him.
he was interacting
and laughing with him
and it made me feel so happy.

on the Trolley there was a women
and her little girl had the most beautiful face.
i really wanted to tell her, but i didn't.
she kissed her out of nowhere
like she remember again how glad she was that her daughter was alive.

someone told me today that they really love my eyes
because you can look at them and see how i'm feeling.
i don't know if that's true
but i thought it was really sweet.

the one thing i hate more than anything else in the world is when people forget my name.
when people call me
marissa
melissa
melanie
amanda

not because i don't like the names
but because its so offensive how people talk to you
like they're so familiar with you
and then
call you something completely different.

i remember everybody's name.
even people i don't find at ALL important.
i remember names from my brothers 3rd grade class.
i know i shouldn't take it personally
because people really do care sometimes even if they forget

and really
i wouldn't care if anyone cared
if they didn't sit around and act like they do when a lot of people don't.

feelings are silly.
tricks of the mind perhaps.

"It feels so true. Is it real? Is it-was it-a part of 'objective' reality, or is it only a feeling, some joke of the mind or flaw of the brain that fools us in to believing what otherwise would be obvious foolishness? Is it a vision of ultimate truth, a piece of the pattern that makes up reality, or is it a delusion"-Evan Harris Walker, The Physics of Consciousness

I don't believe in true or false
right or wrong
real or fake.
nothing is
and nothing isn't.

I don't think that ridiculously good looking people should be allowed to say suggestive things to people.
It's horrible
and cruel
and selfish because they're only doing it for their own amusement/to raise their own self esteem.
Never caring that they're undoubtedly making somebody actually like them/giving hope to someone who likes them by being all flirty.

it's awful to see someone's face
and to absolutely adore it
and to be able to do absolutely nothing about it

i watched a movie called Virus today
and it was about Ebola
but it kind of made me sad
because i really wanted to write a book or something with the same sort of scheme.

i'm going to watch Ghost Hunters tonight
and eat lots of good tasting food.
i wish i could have a solid thought
that i don't feel is as filled with holes as Swiss cheese

i was supposed to go somewhere tonight and i'm really glad i didn't.
i'm reading a book called the elegant universe.
it's so amazing.
i want everyone in the world to read it.