nitpick

i do it so much.
it's really becoming a problem.
but honestly,
the only thing i have a problem with is myself.

Most of the time, I like to pretend that I can ignore petty things like feelings and instincts.
They're not petty for anybody else,
only for me.
Not because I'm better.
But because I'm looking to be skilled in something
so i can feel proud of something
so i can want to be alive.

But I don't want to want to be skilled in anything.
I don't want to want to feel proud of something.
Somehow, I have that as being wrong.
Again: not for anybody else.
But for me.

Who the fuck am I to think I should be above it?
No one is, and no one can be
INHUMAN
whether I like it or not.
Normally I don't stop to feel bad for myself. More than anything, I'm just angry with who I am. I hate that instead of "putting that energy in to changing", I use it for contempt.
I hate that I ignore my feelings because I want to prove to myself that I'm not shallow.
I hate that I want to need no one.

Most of the time, I really don't need anybody.
Actually, I've trained myself so that it's all of the time, if I'm being honest.
But every once in a while.
when i get to start thinking
and it hits me
that i'm just a slave to my body and controlled by a hopeless sickness, all i can do is cry because of the overwhelming difficulty it causes.

It's tiring to climb a mountain every day, only to fall and down
and repeat the process all over again.

I don't want anybody to be at my Beck and Call.
All I want is somebody warm, who hugs me, and holds me like they're trying to heal every broken bone in my body.
Somebody who rocks me, and strokes my hair and tears, while humming to me, and murrming
"you're so brave baby girl. you're so strong
and so good
and so beautiful
and so brave"

On Monday,
I felt so ugly. I think I feel that way
when I start getting sick at the thought of myself.
So I find ways to give myself reasons to hate myself that I can take care of.

People are so beautiful.
They're so valuable, and wonderful, and fragile, and lost.
They-we- are all like puppies, dropped off at our new owner's home;
Wondering, confused, innocent, and driven by instinct to survive.

Or maybe you could say we're all like little toddlers, who come to the aid of their newborn baby brother their pacifier because it's what they always use to soothe themselves.
A girl in my Algebra class turned to me the other day is class. She'd spoken to me in a friendly manor in passing on a few occasions in the past, and she caught my attention today by facing my direction.
"Hey"
she said pleasantly, catching my eyes.
"You're really pretty" she continued matter-of-factly
and I wanted nothing more than to smile, and cry and tell her that she was beautiful too, because I always really thought shew was.

I'd never felt more disgusting in my life and she'd had no idea. I can't think of one thing
I needed to hear more than that, and she had gone ahead and said it.

Sometimes, I like to give out the same type of unexpected compliments.
And having one given to me just makes me want to do it all the more often.
Wouldn't it be incredible if everybody said everything nice that they thought about everyone?
Can you imagine how good everybody would feel?

On Saturday,
I went to a rave, and I met this wonderful boy.
He was smoothe, and tan skinned with blue eyes, and typical surfer boy hair.
He had dimples, and soft lips, and a toned back and arms and there was a tattoo on his right outer bicep.
I told him what I thought of him.
I told him I wasn't going to beat around the bush.
I told him I would have to leave in five minutes.
I told him I wanted to kiss him
and in response
he smiled at me and then
he kissed me.

Maybe that's how it would be if everyone told everybody the nice things they thought.
Or at least acted on the nice things they thought.

I wish I wouldn't have disappeared.
I wish I would have asked his name.
I don't think I'll ever see him again
and that makes me feel so incredibly sorry.