unnecessary

we're all just a silly little bunch of animals roaring at each other to step away from our pride rock.

i was writing in detention today.
i went this time which is good because i won't have in school tomorrow
which is
well
i don't care either way to be honest.

this is what i was thinking about:

I don't believe in love.
I mean as a magical thing or a whimsical force.
I don't believe it's special or genuine or that people have soul mates.

Don't get me wrong- I believe that two people can have personality's that make an attraction more stable and/or intense.
But it all comes back to chemicals and human instinct.

Whether or not infatuation lasts,
I think it's based strongly on how agreeable one finds another person.

The person that makes you question if maybe your connection is beyond chemical
is the one for whom your chemicals are most out of wack.
Mind tricks.
I'm always trying to fight with myself and prove to myself that I'm strong enough, superior enough,
to ignore innate longing like that and I never know why
because i really hate it.

After all, consciously, I don't want to be better than anybody.
Because after all, who am I to think I should be better?

Nobody.
That's who.
Nobody is anybody.
The only reason everyone always has that feeling of entitlement to things,
or thinks of themselves as important or interesting or unique
is because to self sustain, one must feel that way.

When people "Fall in love"
nothing more or less beautiful than grass growing is happening.
Pheromones were exchanged and approved of.
Physical attraction was established.
A conversation is had, and the two people happen to have personality's that make conversations easy and enjoyable for both of them.

Similar or different
traits
quirks,
and characteristics are admired of each other.

And the longer the two are together
they build more good memories
experiences
oppinions of the other,
and trust,
strengthening the infatuation.

They grow comfortable
and stay with each other for the rest of their lives.

When someone infatuates me, I feel like not only am I experiencing something otherworldly, but that the person to whom I'm attracted too is otherworldly as well.
On occasion, I take it seriously-- when I absolutely can't help it.
But even when I feel like it's most important thing in my waking existence
I know that I'm full of shit
and that nothing special is happening at all.
It only feels so magical to be infatuated with someone to make people want it
or else
the population would dwindle,
and the human race would die off.
Which in reality is neither good nor bad
but we're sort of programmed to think of it as bad
just like virus's are programmed to continue to live.

I'm very redundant you know.

The funny thing is
I've never wanted to not believe that love only chemical because of anybody but you.
I've never fought off the idea that how I feel has all to do with chemicals
like I fight it off with you.

I honestly question if maybe something magical and crazy is happening sometimes.

But like I said- the person who makes you start to think maybe there is something mystical involved with infatuation
is really just the person
for whom you've been the most chemically fucked around with.

I can pick out what it is about you that I like that.
I remember talking to you and feeling like you were the closest to having the potential,
the mind
the depth
to see things the way i do
even without me being able to explain myself out loud.
You're so quick witted- your mind is so sharp.
You're more intriguing and unique than anybody I can ever remember meeting
And even the ways in which you're different are different.

And every difference is enticing
and endearing.

I'm probably crazy, and making things up in my head.
But I feel like you feel things different than anyone. Like you're so wise
and so enlightened
and don't know it

or can't put it in to words

or feel like you don't know
and never will know a god damn motherfucking thing.

You're strong. Powerful. Dominant.
But troubled. Hurt. Angry. Bitter. Hopeless. Sad. And Exhausted.
When I met you
I thought your encasement was so perfect.

You look so real.
So tangible
like you're made up of a completely different kind of particle amidst a swarming ocean of soft and blurry ones.
I've never seen somebody so easy to look at-
someone so relieving to look at.
Someone so absolutley perfect and beautiful and inviting and comforting.

If you were a pool,
I think I'd like to drown in you.
I want you to surround me
and fill me
and explode me in to tiny little pieces that keep filling
and bursting with exaltation

I want to see your wide bright eyes
your dark expressive brows that act as an awning for all the information you take in, above that smile, rather rare
but so big
i could warm the whole universe with it.

Between dimples that make me want to cry
because it feels like I'm looking at your innocence,
covered up in your search and your confusion
and unrest.
I want to lose myself with you in a crowd again.
In a parade full of so much commotion, like a living metaphor, as we let go of some of that tornado and debri in our heads

while we're screaming and punching, like you did
and made me want to hug you
For doing what I need.
For needing what I need.
For showing me the light by opening my eyes to the fact that spewing it all out isn't as impossible like I though.


See all that?
None of that is even real.
All of that is a petty human being.
I'll forget all this soon.
Everything will pass.
And i won't remember why I favored you so much.
I'm just an animal.
You're just an animal. We're all just animals.

P.S. Andy Warhol Is Cliche.