mailmaneasterhappyfeelit

for the record, i really do like peanut m&m's.

every day,
i walk up this hill.
i used to be able to turn around half way up,
and see a banana drawn by some half-assed "Grafitti Artist"
who couldn't even take the time to get good before he had to get the rush.
it was ugly,
and pretty disfigured
and it might not have been a banana at all,
but instead a yellow penis shaft with black lines going down it, like unhealthy urine.
either way, it used to be there. now it's covered up with this really awful looking green color patch
that doesn't match the color green of the building.
i don't even know what that building's supposed to be for, but i like it there,
because it makes me feel comfortable.
there are some pictures hung in the upper windows
like maybe someone has an appartment there
but i've lived here 17 years next month
and i've never seen a soul go inside, or come outside.

there's also a church on the way up this hill that i see.
but the further i walk,
the less of it i see
because eventually i get to it's roof
and if i jumped over the railing,
i could probably stand on it or fall through.
there's always bird shit on that railing and i wonder how it's possible that it stays there as long as it does.
probably because no one touches it because they figure it'll have bird shit on it.

there's this little window though, in this church.
on the ground floor, that i have to look down almost to see.
and there's a table or a counter, or something seemingly solid
on which an overturned cup is standing
a few inches from this really yellowed newspaper.
i want to vandalize that church, just to see what that newspaper says.
i want to know the day of that newspaper, and what happened on it, more than anything else i can think of.
i want to imagine somebody being there
in that time
like they're someone from a different universe
going about their normal function
no matter how mundane.

my mail man asked me my name today.
my gut instinct is to feel really good
because maybe it shows that people still care enough about people to address them personally
even if it's just to say hello.
but then
it get's absolutley ruined.
it get's broken,
or pissed on,
or blown up,
or whatever you want to call it
because there are people everywhere
wide eyed saying things like "the mail man wants you"
"you shouldn't tell strangers your name"
"that's creepy"
and maybe they're right.
maybe I'm being naive by thinking of it as a nice thing as opposed to a creepy thing.
but i feel better thinking about it as a nice thing, so i'm going to continue too, unless something legitimate happens to change my mind.

yesterday
my physics teacher decided to teach my class about how miniscule me are in the scale of the universe.
i didn't know
that nobody knew that.

and everybody kept saying
it made them feel meaningless
and unimportant
and sad.

but i didn't agree with that

importance only exists in the mind of human being.
it's an abstract idea.
there is no such thing as important
so no one can be important or not important.
they just are.

even if
you destroyed the universe
that is neither significant/not significant
it just is.

and see
i like the fact that i'm so fucking tiny
because it means
that i don't have to take anything in life seriously
if it doesn't make me happy.
i just have to follow my human instinct to self sustain
and do so in any way that i see fit.

and if that doesn't include some made up society-

then:
i don't have to participate in it.

don't fucking contradict me. don't cast judgment on me.
it's relative to the person.

this is what's real to me.
what's real to you
can stay real to you.

"It feels so true. Is it real? Is it-was it-a part of 'objective' reality, or is it only a feeling, some joke of the mind or flaw of the brain that fools us in to believing what otherwise would be obvious foolishness? Is it a vision of ultimate truth, a piece of the pattern that makes up reality, or is it a delusion"-Evan Harris Walker, The Physics of Consciousness


This is what I'm trying to say.
I've said it in the past apparently
because this is compiled
of thing from old blogs:

"I’m sick of everybody listening to the noise in their head and not realizing that it’s just fucking ruckus that’s there for no goddamn reason. The reason we’re fucking driven to self sustain and therefore, have things in life be easy, could be the same exact mother fucking reason virus’s are by nature programmed to sustain. The reason anybody wants to be interesting, or unique, is so that they don’t feel like they’re not important. Don’t fucking lie, you want to feel important. You want to feel pompous and fucking proud of yourself. You want everyone to suck your motherfucking dick. And because even if you don’t want to be alive, you want to WANT to be alive. You want to want to be happy. BECAUSE ITS BORN IN TO YOU.

I’ll sit around and act like I’m fucking tough; sure. And the fact of the matter is, the more I realize that all of my feelings and emotions aren’t serious to anyone but me BECAUSE I’m me, and BECAUSE it’s in my nature, the more I’m starting to realize that to decide that anything is important is pointless, and to decide that anything is pointless is pointless, and that all I’ll ever be good for is contradicting myself.

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE A BEGINNING?

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE AN END?

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE AN EXPLANATION?
WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO MAKE SENSE?
BECAUSE WE WERE BORN IN TO BODIES, THAT, IN ORDER TO KEEP UP SUSTAINED, TOLD US TO SEEK ALL THAT SHIT OUT.

I don’t fucking believe in evil because the idea of evil implies that there is a good, and a bad, and there’s not a definitive good and bad. Nothing makes sense and it doesn’t have too. I don’t want it too. I don’t want to see anybody, or know anybody, I just want to sit around, and smoke cigarettes, and remember times when people around me weren’t so impressed by themselves to a point where they hated themselves for not being impressive enough.

I don’t want to be anything. I want to be a nobody. I don’t want to belong to a world, I don’t want to be ruled by rules of humanity, but I am, so I have to deal with it.

I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. You’re so stupid. We’re so stupid. Stupid doesn’t even fucking exist.

That’s not true.

I don't believe in true or false
right or wrong
real or fake.
nothing is
and nothing isn't"