God Damn Shame

sometimes when i scream
i scare myself.

i did when i got home on Friday
because no one was there.

my neighbors all knocked on my door to see if i was ok.
i acted like i had no idea what they were talking about.

i saw this girl yesterday
and i've never felt so violent in my life.
i told myself i didn't care.
but i do, to an extent.
to an extent where it was important to me
that you felt

like i found you unimportant.

really, i'm sure you didn't even pay attention.
because i'm a creep and i'm sure
even though it's not something i'd cry over
i care 1000 times more than you.
in fact, i know you don't care at all.
and i don't know why i give a fuck.
but i do.
just a little.

i just want to punch somebody.
that's why i like pits.
i like throwing my fists in to people, and being launched across the floor
like when you're in the ocean
and you get under a wave
and it rips at you and bends you in ways you never thought possible
before throwing you against the sand that cuts your back
and shoulders and knees and ankles.

i wish i could just get out of everybody's way.
sometimes it feels like all i have to do is exist to cause someone a problem.
i don't want to cause anybody problems.
it's never my intention to bother anyone
or annoy anyone
and it breaks me to fucking bits when i do.

sometimes
i get worried and start to think i would have made a better boy.
but then i say things like that
and i realize i wouldn't be.

i think sometimes i talk like a boy
and laugh like a boy
and think like a boy

but i don't know if a lot of the thing i feel
are typically felt by boys.
plus,
i guess there's that whole not wanting to have sex with a girls thing.
i guess that kind of contradicts the whole making-a-better-guy thing too.

i want to be dainty, precious, petite, fragile, and sweet.
i want somebody to want to take care of me, and to protect me.
but at the same time
i want to be tough,
unsuspectingly strong,
able to hold my own ground
and able to really hurt somebody if i have too.

but what i really want is to not want to be anything at all.

i don't want to want a god damn thing.

but i do. i want that to be me and you.
just one time.

and i want to read The Elegant Universe
and talk to someone about it.
i want to really understand things like string theory
and my ever obsession: quantum mechanics.
i hate it. i hate it so much.
somebody make me stop wanting.
it's so awful.