after this

i wont have 69 posts anymore.
bummer.

it's so strange to be ignored by someone you used to know. the internet is such a silly thing because if you ever talk to anybody on there, you feel like you know them, and i mean, you may or you may not
but it's sort of the same in real life
people just don't realize it as much.

i wouldn't care if it wasn't in my nature.
i just have to keep telling myself that.
to remind myself not to take it seriously.
to remind myself that i don't know if it should be taken seriously
and in cases like that
i generally choose to get my hopes down rather than up, so as not to be taken for a fool, just in case.

a couple of days ago, when we didn't have power
i was talking to my dad
and he was mocking my idea
my idea
about what i really genuinely want with my life.

i told him i wanted to move somewhere really warm
and shitty
you know, like Guatemala, where there are stupid cliche looking vivid yellow brick buildings
and lean against a wall,
smoking a pipe,
playing solitare, writing on occasion, and having conversations that make me and other people feel good when they pass me by in the street.
i want to be the village mama, that all the parents let there babies run up to, and throw their arms around.
i don't ever want a house
i don't ever want a job
or a career
i don't ever want to touch a piece of currency from any country
unless it's to make it in to some jewelry,
and i want to live with a few friends

in a shack an old guy gave us
where we'll grow our own food
and the only clothes we'd have
would be hand me overs
and we would pay people in food
or crafts, or art

i don't want to be a fucking hippie.
because i hate the idea of those.
i just want to live, and not feel empty.

i don't understand why i can't just be friends with someone i once had feelings for.
even if i still have them
i can ignore them, because they're just a part of my silly human nature.

my best friend once said something
and it was as if
she'd managed to say what i meant
every time i tried to analyze myself.
shes is a ridiculously brilliant girl and super beautiful.

she said
"i'm more or less just interested in the idea of a lot of things, but i don't really like anything"
and i thought it was one of the most accurate things i'd ever heard

i'm not interested in a damn thing.
just MY ideas of things

and things are never the way i imagine them to be.