i've been thinking about this so much.

i was sitting there, next to debbie downer.
i told her about herself, and she smiled before apologizing for being so depressed.
i replied after giggling, and told her that she wasn't depressing, because the fact of the matter was, that she wasn't.
what she was was whiny,
like a little kid that isn't satisfied with the box of cookies the significant old person in their life is going to buy them,
but insists on having a Kit Kat bar in addition.
I told her that too.
But then I wished I hadn't, because who I am to judge her? Nobody? Somebody?

I'm ok with it now though.
Because I've realized that although a lot of people talk about "judgmental folks" in a negative light
it's part of human nature.
Judgment basically leads back
to the primal instinct to look at something and interpret it by taking in information about it
such as it's purposes
and deciding if it's existence will help or hinder our existence.

I was asked on Wednesday why I brought human nature up so frequently.
And the reason is, because as far as I can interpret with my human mind,
which really may or may not mean much
Human nature is the driving force for every single solitary action, and thought in existence.

Of course it's complicated for a human brain to handle.
And i run in to contradictions that I haven't thought through yet.
But if you'd allow me to explain myself, I'd be happy too.

I'm so fucking uncomfortable. I don't want to sit here, or be alive, because I don't appreciate my fucking mind.
All i do is run in circles.
And I'm left with no conclusions
because what the fuck can i use to conclude? WHAT THE FUCK DO I USE?
my brain
and of course my brain is going to imply to me that i'm important and that i should trust it
and i'm sure it can be trusted with a lot of things that have to do with the tangible task of self sustenance.
but why should i fucking assume that it's good for anything past that?
why should i assume that it's not.
i don't have a conclusion.
and that's not a conclusion.

I’m sick of everybody listening to the noise in their head and not realizing that it’s just fucking ruckus that’s there for no goddamn reason. The reason we’re fucking driven to self sustain and therefore, have things in life be easy, could be the same exact mother fucking reason virus’s are by nature programmed to sustain. The reason anybody wants to be interesting, or unique, is so that they don’t feel like they’re not important. Don’t fucking lie, you want to feel important. You want to feel pompous and fucking proud of yourself. You want everyone to suck your motherfucking dick. And because even if you don’t want to be alive, you want to WANT to be alive. You want to want to be happy. BECAUSE ITS BORN IN TO YOU.

I’ll sit around and act like I’m fucking tough; sure. And the fact of the matter is, the more I realize that all of my feelings and emotions aren’t serious to anyone but me BECAUSE I’m me, and BECAUSE it’s in my nature, the more I’m starting to realize that to decide that anything is important is pointless, and to decide that anything is pointless is pointless, and that all I’ll ever be good for is contradicting myself.

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE A BEGINNING?

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE AN END?

WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE AN EXPLANATION?
WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO MAKE SENSE?
BECAUSE WE WERE BORN IN TO BODIES, THAT, IN ORDER TO KEEP UP SUSTAINED, TOLD US TO SEEK ALL THAT SHIT OUT.

I don’t want any friends. I like the idea of people so much. The idea of naïve sweet precious creatures. I don’t fucking believe in evil because the idea of evil implies that there is a good, and a bad, and there’s not a definitive good and bad. Nothing makes sense and it doesn’t have too. I don’t want it too. I don’t want to see anybody, or know anybody, I just want to sit around, and smoke cigarettes, and remember times when people around me weren’t so impressed by themselves to a point where they hated themselves for not being impressive enough.

I don’t want to be anything. I want to be a nobody. I don’t want to belong to a world, I don’t want to be ruled by rules of humanity, but I am, so I have to deal with it.

I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. You’re so stupid. We’re so stupid. Stupid doesn’t even fucking exist. That’s not true.

There are no conclusions.
that's not a conclusion.
againg.
just saying.


IM TIRED OF PEOPLE TRYING TO PROVE THAT THEY AREN'T TRYING TO PROVE ANYTHING.