i'm so tired.

i saw the most beautiful girl in the word today.
it's the least i can't do to call her beautiful.
she was the most extraordinary thing i'd ever seen and i swear to god she might be an angel.
there was something in her face that was so...
i don't know.

she created a feeling. of loss. of hurt. of awe. of gaping enlightenment and my eyes felt like they were tipped in snowflakes,
framing her sun shine skin.
she had sun shine skin.
she was fair skinned but it looked like
the light on her
was always the sun.
always bright.
always vivid. SHE was so vivid.
she could take away a heart. she looks like she's stolen souls, and killed a million men, without ever lifting a finger.

i'm normally the jealous type,
but i find myself strangely ok with everything anymore.

this isn't the definant "idontgiveafuckwhatever!" not caring.
this is...
and understanding. and inability to let myself get drawn deep enough in to crevices
that i can't climb my way back out using the moss.

it's unsettling that i want him to be happy.
it's unsettling that i don't care if i ever end up with anybody.
isn't it supposed to hurt when you resolve to let someone go, for the sake of their happiness, even though, you want to be with them?
why doesn't it hurt?
why am i rooting for them?

a lot of people say they want to be different.
but the problem is
even if you are different
you'll never know
because norms don't exist.
if you refuse to be one way
you're with a group of others
that REFUSE to be one way.

you're a human being.
you can only be so different.
but you have the same kind of brain
with the same organs, and body, and instincts, and everything stems from the instinct to self sustain, wether you like it or not.



i know my abililty to feel jealous hasn't dissapeared.
because i'm jealous of someone else
who's cute
and interesting
but not like the girl i saw today.

how can i be jealous of cute and interesting, when i feel more impressed by beauty?
all i know is that i'm so glad
that i'm not jealous of the beautiful girl.
because it feels so much less dirty.
so much less selfish.
so much more... aware.
i like that nothing phases me anymore.
I like things not working out, and not having to WORK at not caring,
not having to push the upset away
I like things not working out, and genuinely not feeling hurt.
It's so wonderful.
It's so freeing.
I'm so happy.