my father

Asked me why and i said because i'm empty-

Gutted like a jack-o-lantern face carved out,

And i'm rotting in to mucus

After once,

i made them smile

a long forgotten poster child for humor,

and mindless kids before they’re stupid teenagers

Resenting the very ground they walk on

noses in the air

Smoking cigarettes because they’re so apathetic

and embarking on a journey of unfulfilling indentured servitude.

Insights are all garbage

Or all treasures

Depending on who you are and what it means relative to you.

I claim to understand the way I work, and I do.

It’s been partially bread in to me;

And it’s partially innate.

But I can’t help but feel like there are vast minds out there

That understand

And never get caught up thinking about anything because they sense that it’s vastness is beyond them.

Yet they understand something else too.

They understand that they don’t have to be so naïve.

They don’t have to look at things with or even know the idea of “importance”.

They know and can feel every fucking unimaginable aspect of a strange…

“phenomena” I guess we’d call it.

This phenomena we look at as real or unreal as if we have the right to invent such a word.

How dare I ever allow myself to feel sorrow?

What is jading me, and making me feel like there’s a screen I can’t see that

If I could only grab a hold of and pull

I could be filled and burst with indescribable enlightenment and bliss-

Wordless understanding that would leave me crying in relief after all the years of straining to reach the screen, in agony in the unbearable weight of a human body, human mind, and human instinct.

Existing in a different yet identical dimension, blind in the old one,

And filled with unintelligible awe in the new.

Awe- The word doesn’t do it justice.

I would be true form there. I would have no emotions because I would cease to be a “me” as I’m enveloped in wholeness and an emptiness and a quiet, comforting, glowing, sleepy existence.

I’mfuckingnuts.

I wish

I could WANT to care about something even.

I don’t care. I don’t care that I don’t care. Not going to do any school work. Won’t participate in civilization. Don’t want money. Won’t have a job. Don’t want one. Won’t believe in governments anywhere. I’ll see everything for what it looks like. I’ll harness the hardness of the savage and keep my “intellect”, like Thorough says. Need to run away. Want too so bad. Don’t want anyone to know me/know of me. Don’t want to know anyone. Don’t want anyone to care for me. Don’t want anyone to have the power of putting anyone at ease or in fear. Don’t want to have the responsibility of effecting anything. Can’t handle it. Want to cry and stop moving. Want everyone to leave me to be my own person in a separate existence from society “reality”. Need to get away from everybody and everything and feel something that doesn’t feel like it’s trying to convince me of anything or nothing.