today

i picked up a half smoked cigarette off of the ground and smoked it in the basement
with the door open
so nobody would know

it was gross but i liked that it came from the ground
because i could think about who's it was
and it felt like it had a little more fiber to it
just because of it's past.

i hate cigarettes with a fucking passion.
i hate teenagers that smoke them.
i hate how everybody thinks it's fucking cool.
i'll never smoke a cigarette again unless i'm completely alone.
i don't want anyone to see me
because i don't want to look like i'm trying to prove something.
i don't want anyone to know.
i'll never tell a motherfucking soul.

lately i feel absolutely infatuated with the idea
of good looking fellows
manners
and overbearing kindness.

yesterday on the T there was a crazy man.
It's funny how you see things like that in movies
and you never think they really happen like that
but they always do.
I've never seen an insane person off of a bus or a Trolley.

He actually made me really sad, and all i wanted
more than anything in the world
was to know what it was like to be him.
Because he was talking to people that weren't there.
And all i wanted was to see them too.

He kept talking about Aruba
and wanting to find it.
He said when someone found it
they should tell him
and that they could all meet up there
with bags of sand and water
he would have a sign
and everyone would do whatever they wanted as long as it was legal.
then he asked some girl where she was from
to which she replied, looking rather uncomfortable and alarmed
"North Carolina"
He looked at her with these beady little eyes, with the rash on his face and grinned.
"Outer space!?" he asked.
The girl nodded, not bothering to correct him.
"I knew it. You look like a spectrum. You know what that is?"
"No"
"It's like a satellite. You know... the central intelligence agency is looking for these little bears. These bears that fly upside-down, even when you're sober"
a spectrum has nothing to do with satellites that i can think of.
Did he really believe that, or was he just trying to sound intelligent.

The day before yesterday
a woman stopped her car
and asked if i wanted a ride up the hill.
It made me want to cry.
It was so genuine. So gracious. So caring.
And she'd never even seen me before.

On the bus this afternoon, there was a baby,
and his father was holding him
and playing with him
and looking down at him like he adored him.
he was interacting
and laughing with him
and it made me feel so happy.

on the Trolley there was a women
and her little girl had the most beautiful face.
i really wanted to tell her, but i didn't.
she kissed her out of nowhere
like she remember again how glad she was that her daughter was alive.

someone told me today that they really love my eyes
because you can look at them and see how i'm feeling.
i don't know if that's true
but i thought it was really sweet.

the one thing i hate more than anything else in the world is when people forget my name.
when people call me
marissa
melissa
melanie
amanda

not because i don't like the names
but because its so offensive how people talk to you
like they're so familiar with you
and then
call you something completely different.

i remember everybody's name.
even people i don't find at ALL important.
i remember names from my brothers 3rd grade class.
i know i shouldn't take it personally
because people really do care sometimes even if they forget

and really
i wouldn't care if anyone cared
if they didn't sit around and act like they do when a lot of people don't.

feelings are silly.
tricks of the mind perhaps.

"It feels so true. Is it real? Is it-was it-a part of 'objective' reality, or is it only a feeling, some joke of the mind or flaw of the brain that fools us in to believing what otherwise would be obvious foolishness? Is it a vision of ultimate truth, a piece of the pattern that makes up reality, or is it a delusion"-Evan Harris Walker, The Physics of Consciousness

I don't believe in true or false
right or wrong
real or fake.
nothing is
and nothing isn't.

I don't think that ridiculously good looking people should be allowed to say suggestive things to people.
It's horrible
and cruel
and selfish because they're only doing it for their own amusement/to raise their own self esteem.
Never caring that they're undoubtedly making somebody actually like them/giving hope to someone who likes them by being all flirty.

it's awful to see someone's face
and to absolutely adore it
and to be able to do absolutely nothing about it

i watched a movie called Virus today
and it was about Ebola
but it kind of made me sad
because i really wanted to write a book or something with the same sort of scheme.

i'm going to watch Ghost Hunters tonight
and eat lots of good tasting food.
i wish i could have a solid thought
that i don't feel is as filled with holes as Swiss cheese

i was supposed to go somewhere tonight and i'm really glad i didn't.
i'm reading a book called the elegant universe.
it's so amazing.
i want everyone in the world to read it.