SHUT UP SO COMPLANITORY

i really want to say thank you for giving me that closure.

i really want to wrap my hands around your throat, and squeeze so hard, your wobbly, wrinkled, fleshy neck just seeps out through the cracks in my fingers. i think you're the only one i can be completely uninhibited with, you precious old bat. you and that fucking jim henson puppet that walks around. but you don't understand.

i can't picture my life without this. i cling to it. i want it. i want it to lead me down the left path. i want to die because i this. don't you think i know that's wrong? don't you think i wish i didn't want that so much? i do. i really do. but i do want it, and i don't want to fight it. when i was laying on that couch, and you were talking in to that tape recorder, i wanted to cry, because i couldn't even picture a life without it. i've never been fulfilled on my own. i've never felt ok on my own. this is all i have. when i was laying on that couch, and you were talking in to that tape recorder, i kept thinking about how i wanted to reach over and grab the huge pillow behind me, and reassure it, like it was the angel of decay you're trying to rid me of. it's the only one that cares about me. it's the only one that nourishes me whilst simultaneously destroying me. i know everyone hates me and thinks i'm crazy and that i want to be this way. i do. but that's just the angel talking, and she's gotten so loud, and she's stroked my hair, when i cried myself to sleep too many times. she knows that if i die, that's what i need. that's what i want. i know you're all angry, and i'm sorry. the last thing i would ever want to do is hurt anyone of you. but this is the way i know how to live. and if it kills me, i'm glad, because then, i'll have eternal relief, instead of intermittent moments of solice.

maybe i'm just having a bad time. i really desperately want to live. i want to be happy, and ignore my stupidity, and be in awe over my own beauty; the beauty that comes with being a part of the world, because it's so incredibly mind boggling to me. but i can't do that. so this is how i'm living instead, because no one will let me be the way i want to be. i'm a fish born out of water, and all i can do is harvest some oxygen out of urine, pissed out from Hobos.