RIP

you dress like tom
and i want to cry.
i want to cry because you dress like tom.
i want to cry whenever you smile
and whenever you laugh, and whenever you breathe
and talk
and move
and stare with your little boy eyes.
i want to smile and act ridiculous and giddy and annoying and enamored beyond belief because I am
giddy and annoying and enamored beyond belief.

really, i don't think you're endearing enough.
i'm not dead yet.

why am i so great
at convincing myself that i'm crazy?
why am i so good
at convincing myself that i am
that insane girl that drives people away with her intensity;
that insane girl that scares people away;
that boring girl that people are momentarily enchanted with;

that girl that you have a crush on one day
and wake up the next morning going
"wow she's actually starting to annoy the fuck out of me"/"wow she's kind of obnoxious"/"wow she's really repetitive"/"wow she's really uninteresting"/"wow she talks a lot for someone with nothing to say"/"wow she has really low self esteem and that isn't very appealing"

i can feel myself sabotaging everything in my life.

and it's really getting tiring.