Humanoid Thoughts

"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience."

Petty.

What i'm thinking about
i'm thinking about
because today
in the hallway at lunch time
when i was sleeping on floor, outside of the cafeteria,
i had an encounter that made me start to ponder.

and i got to really thinking
that unless i'm sure it's going to entail what i want
i never want to be with anyone ever again.

i wish i had a pal i could develop a ritual with.
we'd meet up,
light up,
shut up,
stare up,
smile at each other,
understand and feel good
but never need each other
and we'd walk away.

i don't want some schmuck calling me every day
with nothing to say
bugging the hell out of me.
i don't need someone to fucking text me
"I love you baby <3".

What I want is impossible.
I want someone I actually like talking too.
Someone who actually has interesting ideas and a mind with depth and opinions and thoughts about things regarding the abstract world of pondering.
Someone who doesn't take anything serious with me.
Someone who laughs with me, and doesn't feed in to garbage the world feeds them about how I should act as a lady.

I want to be able to be talking to someone,
for some show to come on the Science Channel,
and to be able to be like
"Hey, I'm gonna go. I want to watch TV"
Or even on a day that I just don't feel like chatting I want to be able to say "Hey I don't feel like chatting." and for them to know that being in the mood to talk has nothing to do with how much i like them.
I need someone that doesn't need a damn thing
because I don't have anything to give.

All I have to give is my word that I won't fuck around with other people.
And in return I want it back.
You don't have to call me daily, I don't have to call you.
I want to just be magically mentally close with someone,
because I want someone to look at me when i'm looking at them thinking the same thing: "she's thinking what i'm thinking" because there's no way i could ever explain it to anyone in order to test the entire world's population out.

i want to be with someone and to have two separate lives.
to stay my own person.
to not have to walk on fucking egg shells.
to not have to have chats about our relationship.
to just be ourselves with the promise that neither of us will do anything with anyone else
and i fucking...
oh my god
i want to want to talk to somebody.
i want too so badly.
it's in my nature. i can't help it.

this is petty.
but im not worried about it.
because nothing seems to worry me anymore.
i just want to laugh some more.
i like it so much.
someone come laugh with me.

look how many Galaxies there are in just one little square that Hubble was pointing at: I'm going to watch a lot of documentaries tonight. I wrote Valentines out for everyone in my class today, but I didn't give out like 4 of them because a couple people wouldn't take them. It really hurt my feelings. Which is embarrassing, because I like to pretend I'm above that sometimes, but it really got me down because I personalized all of them individually with little messages for every person in particular.