my brothers are at pizza hut.
i'm not because i'm not hungry, and because Ryan hates me.
i cried about it, and he didn't care, which was good, because i didn't want him just to care out of pity. he read my last blog, and knew part of it was directed at him.
i was supposed to be a good sister.
but i'm not.

i never realized until yesterday
how paranoid i am.
how nervous everything makes me.
i never thought of myself as a nervous person.
but the more i think about it, the more everything makes me uneasy.
i thought, that i'd somehow magically started a fire in the forest today on accident.
as i was walking home,
a big red fucking fire engine turns up the street, and heads towards the park. i don't know if it went there or not, but i almost had a heart attack. and i started thinking about how they would find me DNA there, and pin me for it.
i felt like everyone was watching me, and i didn't know it.
like everyone was in on the fact
that all the authorities are after me.
that they were all told not to say anything.
i'm afraid of leaving my house.

sure sounds like a guilty conscience, doesn't it?
the funny thing is, if i think logically, i can't think of anything I've done wrong.
but then i start wondering if i did something really terrible that i'm just not remembering.
maybe i did something really terrible that i didn't know was wrong.
maybe i did something really terrible that i'm in denial about.
maybe i did something really terrible, and i just didn't know it.

i hate you. and it's good because you hate me. actually, i hate you because you hate me.
anything i say, you'll figure out a way to hate, even if you wouldn't have hated it
had it come from somebody else.