what's hysterical

you and i are more alike than you could ever understand.

i am constantly tormented at the hands of my own mind.
DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO?
what's funny is
i act the way i do
because if i acted how i think

life would be a lot more difficult for me.

this is a long
horrible journey you're embarking on
and the ground falls away behind you with every step you take.
there is no turning back.

really? you're a fucking amateur.
see that?
this shit will make you crazy, and childish
over something you'll come to find out
you would rather DIE than have to deal with.

fucking woe-is-you
and fucking woe-is-me
how fucking pathetic are we?

I'm not as crazy as you might think.
but then again
that could just be the crazy talking.

I feel unable to be certain about anything.
I can't say
I can
or can't be certain,
because I feel as if I don't know

which i am also uncertain about.

I'd like to say that as opposed to being something in specific, I just am.
But it would appear (which means nothing) as though I deduced that with my mind.
and i don't trust my mind.
I don't even trust the lack of trust I have for my mind enough to believe
even
that any doubts i have about my mind
are or aren't legitimate.

I could say, and never feel sure, but instead accept it as a possibility
that I am but a compilation of strings
vibrating to make quirks
whose frequencies decide atoms
who's numbers decide elements,
who's combination's make up a human being.
Then, I could imagine my personality as being electric waves going on through elements that happen to make up a brain, whose trails were passed down from other elements from my mother and father, combined with influences from my environment, and up bringing.

science would point to that.
but science
again
is understood with one's mind
and i'm not so ready to accept that logic means any goddamn thing

why are we so ready to look away
from the possibility that everything our mind does
is to make us feel important
to trick us in to feeling comfort
to trick us likewise in to feeling that we understand.
because of the mechanisms of it's driving force; self-sustain

how can we know?

hahahahaha
i feel so shitty.
normally
when i get like this
i just go to my main vice, developed in 7th grade
because normally, it makes me feel better.
But I really don't feel much like engaging in it today, because I have a feeling that this time,
the benefits wouldn't out weigh the cons.
I really can't think of one thing that sounds in the very slightest way appealing.

And I mean, but absolutley nothing.
I can't stand everything.
Everything keeps giving me this very terrible feeling that I can't even describe
and I don't even know why.

It's really hard for me to explain, but I'm really going to try my hardest too,
because I can't handle it ping-ponging around in my head any longer.

See,
everywhere you go
there are people,
which I know is a very obvious thing to say
but I feel like I need to say it anyways.
So anyways,
a lot of the time,
you end up having these very long winded conversation with them, in which they say an innumerable number of things that are just everyday thoughts or topics for conversation.

For example:
"Technology is so advanced now"
"You should do something with you life that makes you feel like you've fulfilled a purpose"
"The Earth Holds organisms that are very impressive"
"The human mind is terribly complex"

Everything everyone says
they've processed through their brains.
They've come to conclusions about so many things;
used science, then used their minds to comprehend things without ever stopping to imagine, that maybe
the brain isn't good for that sort of thing at all.
Maybe, all it's good for is keeping us sustained.
Maybe it knows we need answers for many of us to continue to feel as though we can thrive
and so
we perceive that we've found answers
when really
there are no answers to be had.

Maybe no one questions it
because as a race
we're programmed to think that way; that our minds are unfaltering.
that it's crazy to think anything else, because our eyes and the comprehension center in our brain
tells us that that is so obviously not true.
After all, if we thought our brains were faulty,
everyone would go insane not knowing if what they're perceiving is or isn't just a perception.
The concept of solidified reality would be lost,
which would be bad for sustaining, as long as the rule generally remains that humans cling to the idea of order
in order to survive.

See, I'm not so sure it'd be a bad thing in all honesty.
Because bad and good and importance and unimportance all exist inside of a human beings mind.

I guess that's why I'm feeling so confused.
Because I don't believe or disbelieve in anything but at the same time
I do believe
that one can't know
if they can or can't know anything
which is just a contradiction in and of itself
so I'm stuck
because i don't like contradicting myself
but i also recognize that despite my displeasure at the fact,
i am indeed a human being
and for us
arriving at conclusions through deductive logic is the only means we have of comprehension.

Therefore, every thought I end up at
could very well be the product of a mind incapable of truly grasping any other idea than self sustain.

i know that some people
don't care if their brains are lying to them or not
because it's all they have
but for what ever reason
maybe it's genetics
and environmental factors
but i'm not ok with chancing being played by fool
because pride is in my nature whether i want it there or not.

i guess all of these thoughts is me trying to understand and put words to a lack of understanding so i can start living in a way that isn't ruled by the mechanical mechanisms of the one goaled humanbody.
But in that
I am serving that one goal-
self sustaint.

why is it that i even think
that as a human
not living in a way that's ruled by the mechanical mechanisms of the one goaled human body
is even possible.

i don't like that idea
mainly because
the way i see it
nothing anyone does is done for a genuine reason.
it's all done because of their nature.

But don't you see, I'm back to where I started;
i go to that conclusion with my mind
and I don't know if the mind is good for drawing conclusions like that

NOTHING IS
NOTHING ISN'T
NOTHING DOESN'T EXIST
NOTHING DOESN'T NOT EXIST.

It's all about humans and that's fucking it.

All we care about is this tiny little portion of matter in existence and we're unable to care about anything else because even the want to escape being human is all to benefit the human wishing it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What i really feel like doing is letting myself fall the fuck apart.
I'm tired of being inside of my head and trying to hold my sanity in line
when all I feel like doing is exploding into this shit spewing
body ripping, punching, screaming, kicking, thrashing episode of chaos.
An episode so chaotic, I lose my grasp on consciousness, reality, impossibilities, and sanity.
I can't even explain what I mean. More than anything, it's just this crazy visions I have in my head.

The other day, when my mom and I were waiting for a bus downtown, this really old looking foreign lady started talking to us.
She was so depressing.
She handed us these God Pamphlets
and started going on about God, and sinning, and the bible and whatnot.

She started telling us this really long story about God
and how everyone's a sinner,
and how people think heaven's dull
when really, it isn't.

You couldn't get her to quit, so my mother just sat there nodding here and there, smiling politely.
It was terrible.
You can't imagine how depressed it made me
I really thought I was going to be sick.
The thing is, people that go on about that crap are so excited about it.
Just listen to a missionary, or a Jehovah's witness doormen one day- they really are, and it's absolutely awful.

I know it shouldn't bother me, because at least it made her Happy;
But she was getting me so annoyed the way she was acting so certain about what she was saying.

She just kept talking with this all knowing secretive smile on her face, and you knew
that she knew
that other people didn't believe what she did,

but that that terrible smiled she had on her face was one of those very disturbing
smiles that said something like

"Poor poor unenlightened people. I'm so proud to be one of the enlightened ones to the way of the lord, and it feels so good to be opening their eyes to the way of God"

And that's the thing that really bothered me-
she genuinely believed that she had the right answer.

Why should I care?
She was fucking happy.
And she couldn't help it.
It wasn't her fault.
But it still annoyed me anyway, and that's what made me so sad.
Not to mention the fact that people that have their hearts set and certain on anything make me feel so goddamn sick, and sad, and confused.

-----------------------------------------------------------

the thing is
she's never felt so empty that social ideals have stopped mattering to her.
With me is though, social ideals don't even matter when I'm actually feeling decent either.
I just pretend they do to make my parents and society less difficult to deal with, which is absolutely terrible, but something I can handle ok,
at least for a little while.

My idea of success
and everyone else's idea of success
are two very different things and it's awful because it means I either disappoint everyone else, and do what will make me happy

(might i point out here that said happiness would be short lived due to everyone making life difficult for me
because of their disappointment that I'm not successful in their eyes)

or

i do what everyone else's idea of success is,
and feel like I've let myself down.

No matter what way I go, I'm screwed.

------------------------------------------------------------

To get my mind of things, I called up old Ryan, my big brother, and listened to him shoot the breeze for about 45 minutes. It actually calmed me down quite a bit.
He has quite a nice speaking voice, old Ryan does, and he can talk better than anyone else I know, about just about anything.

It was nice to listen to him talk about really easy to comprehend things for a while and I'm glad he didn't try to get me to talk because I couldn't have even if I'd wanted too.
I can never figure out what's actually going on inside of my head.
It's another one of those vision feelings.
This abstract visions in my head would be the only way I'd even begin to think of explaining how I'm feeling.