thank you

for reminding me
because i needed that reminder.

this will never feel ok
because im not one of those people that gets one of those situations.

thank you for reminding me again
that's it's just a matter of time before this blows up in my face
because i was starting to think maybe it could go somewhere
but now I remember that what i've known all along;
it won't, no matter how much i want it too.

nothing can ever go anywhere.
i'm not happy.
i don't know why i sat there with you and felt so good because now,
i'm comming down off of the high,
i'm shaking like a madman

and i feel worse than ever

i'm not enough of a friend to myself to be gambling with my happiness.
i should never have blushed when you told me
what you told me that day
and i should have never even considered it
because now
i know what i'd be missing-

and i would miss it.

which is why i can't bring myself to light it on fire, and throw it in to the forest.

i dreamed last night that i watched two men being bludgeoned to death
it's all i can think about right now.
it's all i want to think about.
i feel like maybe
i won't ever do anything
ever again

i don't deserve this

i'm so fucking sick of wanting to drive a fucking screw driver in my head
i'm so fucking sick of feeling like some pathetic self pitying little fuck.

and what's worse
is you;
my metaphoric morphine
making me forget that this is going to destroy me
after ripping out that goddamn IV

thank you.