In the Country Side, You have to Abide

i keep feeling like every little thing everyone says anywhere is directed at me, and it makes me so angry for a couple of reason.

#1.
It's assumptive. I'm acting like everyone is concerned enough with my existence to make snide remarks to me or about me, even though in reality, i know they don't. I'm not saying that like "hohumnoonelovesme". I'm saying it like, i'm really not a huge part of most people's lives, just like i don't want to be.

#2.
I know why it is i keep thinking that everything negative that anyone says is about me. Because I'm paranoid. I'm so afraid of being all of those things.

#3.
I don't know why I'm terrified of being thought of in any way, because I really don't feel like I care what other people think. I'm just afraid of letting myself down, and since i have this goal of being nice,
this goal of treating humans with respect and dignity- the way i know it feels good to be treated- it means i'm failing if i'm not what i think i should be.

in effect, other people's opinion of me, makes me introspective, and i start feeling like i'm not doing what i set out to do, because that's just how i feel when i'm introspective.

#4.
I realize that I'm very complanitory and it's so very upsetting to me, because I never mean to be. I really just get frusterated with a lot of things; things i feel are wrong, and i don't know how to change it.


today, i walked to noble manor, bought a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew at shop and save,
and three pack of trident gum at rite aid,
a six inch sub,
and this really incredible medallion necklace thing.
i threw up last night at 3 in the morning, and hadn't eaten all day
so when i took a swig of that mountain dew,
i felt like it was burning a whole in my esophagus.
it was the kind of painful where you lose the ability to think rationally, and you start going
"oh my god, what if i'm dying? what if i did some internal damage that i'm unaware of?"

my mom and dad's 20th anniversary is today, and it makes me sad.
i don't know why, it just does. i feel like what they have is impossible for anyone to have
and like they just got really lucky.
i mean, sure, people stay married for 50 years and longer
but i wonder if they really still like each other after the first couple of years.
or if they're just kind of really great friends with the person, and occasionally engage in recreational intercourse.
maybe the all of married life, after the honeymoon period, is being deprived of that blissful feeling of enchantment you get when you're with someone in the beginning.
i think it's so shitty that that has to go away. i don't want it too, and i wish it wouldn't, and i hope i can find somebody who i feel enchanted with for all of my life.

today, i was looking for shirts in the thrift store, and i was getting really frustrated.
i like a lot of the clothing i found, but the thing is, things always manage to look very terrible on me,
despite how attractive they are off of me.
it's because i have boobs that are too big, and barely any hips.
when i go clothes shopping, i always end up leaving wishing that i was tiny.
wishing that i had tiny little bones, and a tiny little body, and tiny little feet, and hands, and ankles, and legs.

today i had a conversation, and during this conversation
i could relax a little because everything the other person was saying was everything i've been thinking.

i'm trying to feel alive.
i'm trying to feel excited about life.
i'm trying to feel the euphoria of simply being alive, and i can't because the world i'm living in is getting in my way.
i feel so helpless;
and i keep tyring to think of ways i can get away from it.
thinking of ways to fix whatever is making me so uncomfortable.
but i can't even put my finger on what exactly it is that i'm missing.
the closest i can come, is imagining a field like this:




i know it's very cliche, but if i was in a dress,
a very flowy one, that was white, and my hair was down, and i had no makeup on
and there was a lake near by, and i was laughing with someone about something very silly
and i felt like i was just being beautiful and miraculous with the rest of the world in it's incredible existence...
i feel like i could be ok. If i could just focus on how grateful i am, and how astonished i am, that i have consciousness
even if i don't understand it.