I CAN'T

Relax.
Last night when I was laying in my bed
all I kept feeling was like bugs were crawling all over me
and even though
ever time i felt a tickle
i'd checked

whenever I got another
I couldn't help but feel a little panicky.
And when I finally got to sleep
it was the most disturbing thing ever, because some woman was drilling some holes in to my head
and then shoving needles in to my neck
only to turn around and pound them in with a hammer.

all to get my hair cut
which she trimmed entirely too short
leaving me scared because i thought I'd have to walk around with holes in my head
but when my father finally showed to pick me up, he told me it looked nice
and the next thing i knew
i was in some fucking crazy futuristic looking metro station or something, passing lights, and going through weird tunnels, and arriving at the platform that was indicative of something I'd imagine one would see in Japan.

Sometimes, before i go to sleep
I start to hear voices too.
In my head, that just come out of no where whenever I don't feel like I'm even thinking.
and most of the time, I really like them because there are times when they say things in such a soft dean martin like voice that i could really just listen to forever.

and im sure it's just me slipping in and out of a sleep state or something
or my brain processing what's been going on throughout the day
even though I feel entirely conscious
at least i know i'm not crazy.
But i really wish I could just stay there in that state forever some days.
So I could hear the voice of someone
who isn't challenging me with their own opinions
and so I don't feel compelled to make anyone else understand or take on mine.

I don't feel good today.
Not physically, but mentally.
I'm tired of waking up with no goddam patience.
and never knowing why.
I'm tired of being under constant scrutiny

and of everything being counterproductive.
i'm tired of indecision
and I want to run the hell away
even though eventually my brain would catch up with me
at least maybe I could have a little escape.

I don't want people to make my life difficult for me
because life is so fucking simple
and really
that's why I don't usually want to be around anyone
because I care too much about them
and it's just too fucking draining
to have to try to figure out
how to make others happy
and yourself happy
both individually
AND simultaneously.

Not to mention the fact that
nine times out of ten
my conscience gets in the way
and i end up being the miserable one just because I feel bad about making someone else feel miserable.
And I don't care what anybody says
when I have certain standard that I hold myself too
nobody can convince me to abandon it.
which is neither a good or bad thing. it just is. and it's unarguable.
i can't be a bad girl.
because i don't want to be.
but that doesn't mean i can't have fun.

and see
the thing that sucks about this whole entire post
is that there's a good chance
someone will take it personally.
someone will warp it to be all about themselves when its not about anybody in particular at all.
so even when im sitting here
just sifting through the crap in my head
and trying to get it out in some form of organization
I still have to think
"WHAT IF SOMEONE TAKES THIS PERSONALLY!?"

if i could remember how to private this i would.
but i know a lot of people don't read this anyway
and its a place where no one can pick it up off of the floor in my room.
so it's going here with the knowledge that it's meant for me.
and if people read it
then so be it.
it's not like anyone can actually understand what ANYONE is thinking at ANY given moment any way.