some nights
you're very existence makes me want to cry.

my sweet sweet mama.
you didn't deserve this.

falling over on the couch
sleeping upright because you're just so goddamn tired.
you poor precious woman.
i just wish i could give you all the love and thanks you deserve.
i wish you were my child
so i could cradle you in my arms
and rock you
and make everything go away.

i hate how you let me hurt you.
i wish you wouldn't look at me with those saddened tree trunk eyes.
i want to trace every worry line on your face
and to kiss them away.
you're so fragile, and you're so helpless and I'm so sorry I've done all those terrible things.

you've seen your babies hurt too much.
at the hands of others
and at the hands of themselves.

and i feel guilty when i talk to you
and you lend your ear to me
so i can spew the venom in my head.

you poor thing-
it's not what you need.
if anything
you need to spew some of that venom in yours.

your whole life,
you've been what i'm becomming to so many;

an ear.

and you're one of the only ears i have-
but to whom do you talk?

sometimes
you look so entirely lonely
but you're so incredibly amazing and kind
and you're the most amazing woman i know.

i want to make it stop more for you than for anyone else. if i wasn't so scared... i could finish this sentence.

what if i'm never brave enough?
what if it kills me?

if there's one thing i want to live for
it's to ensure that you never have to see
another baby girl of yours die.
i'm sorry.

i'm so sorry.
to all of you. for everything.