Its been a lovely morning

IF ALIEN'S EXIST AND DRIVE AIRCRAFTS TO OUR PLANET
I HOPE THEY CHOOSE TO ABDUCT ME SOMEDAY

For the most part.

I rode my bike down to the thrift store today to take care of the cat's there.
Me and Ryan discussed hoping that when we became old women
we hoped our lives didn't revolve around cats
and that we wouldn't buy ugly pink shirts with obnoxious flowers on them, just because it's only a quarter.

Really it doesn't make sense for Ryan though.
Because he isn't a female, so that shouldn't be a problem.

Speaking of flowers
whenever i was little
i used to denounce the very idea and concept of flowers.
So today my mother was telling me about some bathing suits she saw in a window at macy's
and how she thought they'd look really cute on me
but then she saw they had flowers
so she knew i wouldn't wear them.
Now, there are two really adorable things about this.
One being that I really do like flowers now, because I think they look quaint, and elegant, and old, and indicative of a yellowing pattern found on an apron from the year 1940. Not to mention the fact that it always manages to blow my mind to think of such a thing forming out of something growing from the ground.

Additionally, it's really cute, that she thinks I could wear a bathing suit in general.

I'm not going to lie though, I thought it was sweet she's remembered all these years.

Anyways...
Today's a day where I can be comfortable in my own skin to an extent.
That is to say,
when I'm out in the sunshine,
and when i can buy diet soda and gum,
I can look around, and be fulfilled using my eyes.

So I'm suddenly not so concerned with trying to turn myself in a better person.
Because there's no guilt involved in admiring things that automatically make your heart flutter.

I'm sure if I wasn't so focues on turning myself in to a better person
it would happen automatically or some stupid shit like that.
I know all the tricks of the trade
and all the truth filled garbage sayings that everybody pukes in to their children's bodies.

I understand all the damn contradictions,
and the reasons,
and when I pose questions
usually I have a pretty good idea of an answer in my head.

It's just that I don't believe any of it.
There are too many possibilities to settle on one wise epiphany
so I prefer to keep Epiphany plentiful,
so one day,
I can carry them around on rosary beads
that I've changed from representing god
to representing possibility.

I don't like the idea of a god.

Really, I don't.
I mean I do to an extent.
Like, I like the god I think of when I look at the sky
and I imagine he's giving us a gift by making the sun shine through the clouds.
And I like the god I think of
that sees us all as precious.
But sometimes, religion in all
seems too unnecessarily certain to me
not to mention the fact
that the god in so many religions, seems sort of deviant and deceptive
and out to make us show how really terrible we are compared to him.

I want to be a good person because in my eyes
when we look at where we are the in the grand scheme of things
the idea of the human population is just so damned precious, and adorable, and naive.
(REDUNDANCY)
And we're all just operating the way we were programmed.

So really
the only way to make sure more people have less of that pain of being unhappy
is treat everybody really spectacularly.

Not so I can get in to heaven.
Not because people are made in God's image and likeness.

But just because .

I'm not saying I think religion is a terrible thing.
I mean, some people need the idea of a God.
Which isn't good, or bad, or smart, or stupid or anything.
It's just something they need to help them get through life in peace.
Hell
In all honestly, a part of me hopes he's real.

But there are other people out there
that can be ok with the idea of incomprehensible things.
Like everything
always just being
without ever being created.

The only reason it seems so far fetched
is because on earth
it isn't possible.
But in the grand scheme of existence,
earth is just one tiny little minuscule portion of existence.
So who's to say what could and couldn't be anywhere else?

Perhaps someone. Perhaps no one.

This whole thing is making me remember a quote I once read.
"I don't try to imagine a personal god; it suffices to stand in awe at the structure of the world, insofar as it allows our inadequate senses to appreciate it." -Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein used to be one of the people I hated most.
Or rather
I hated the idea of what I thought he was.

Just some man comming up with man made information using man made words to describe the way the world could be.
I hated how he called Atoms, Atoms,
and how he called Protons, Protons
like it was indisputable.

I don't dispute that what they call Atoms exist.
But what are they really?
Just something we decided to name Atoms.
Do we know what they're made of? Well we can see what they're made of theoretically.
But what are protons and neutrons, and electrons?

Hell

what are rocks, and sediment, and sand, and coal, and leaves, and dark matter, and gravity??

All we really know
is that they are I suppose.
Or maybe we do know more.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm right.
Maybe both statements are wrong.
Maybe both are right.

But the thing is,
that's why
I used to hate the idea of Albert Einstein.
Before I discovered that he actually had something of a philisophical mind.

I came across that quote
when I was looking for something to help me describe my beliefs.
And now I think it's safe to say
that Albert Einstein
though one's typical idea of a logical scientist
was very open minded indeed.

I'm boring myself now.
Or rather, I'm just getting tired of trying to put my thoughts in to words.
Arevoi.




I've figured out why I hate human nature by the way;
Human nature is what's keeping my curse tied around my tummy.
Human nature is what's keeping my destruction
Human nature is what's making me want to perfect the imperfections I recognize that everybody has.
That's why I hate human nature.
Because it overrides any knowledge I might have
and forces me
in to a state irrevocable dissatisfaction
which ultimately
ties me down to an hour glass
who's space for dropping sand
is a little bigger
than it should have been.