this is it serving it's purpose

the pressure in my head builds its all my fault so i shove the pressure somewhere else somewhere i can feel it.
somewhere that it's easier to get rid of.

it's psychological
but it helps
and its times like these that i actually recognize
how great it feels

to go from feeling so intensely hateful
so grotesque
so fearful for my life

to feeling so tired
and light headed
and empty
and relieved.

my heart goes from pounding to being barely noticeable at all.
i want to cherish this forever. i love it so much. but i'm a girl with a sickness-- a sickness whose longevity is due to the symptoms it produces, including attachment to a self deprecating and destructing friend.

this is what lets me forget.

and if all that is forgettable
then the seriousness of the danger
fades away in to the background
only occasionally becoming visible
in moments of clarity
that never last long enough to let me change.