One More For Kicks

i've realized that i care too much
and i don't want too

and that's why everyone's on earth
and i am the next nearest planet.

i wasn't traumatized like everyone likes to pretend they were.
i don't have trust issues.
i just don't want anyone too close.

because then i have to care.
and that makes me feel panicky.
because i feel the need to make things right for people even though i can't.
and i hate it when i can't
but i hate it when people act like i did
because i didn't and they make me feel embarrassed.

no.
i don't have trust issues.
not trusting anybody isn't an issue.
and nobody did anything to me to make me the way i am.
i don't trust anybody
to not require my care for them.
i can't be relied on.

because im a runner.
and i need to be able to run away without hurting anyone
and

because i'll let you down.
or i'll have to lie and say something nice
when all i really want to do is yell at you
and say something hypocritical that i could apply to myself

even though
if you're like me
you can't
so i shouldn't be yelling at you to do so
and i shouldn't want to yell at you
because you're probably just like me.

i don't want to have to feel like i tried and failed to explain myself.
because it'll always be a failure.
because the opposite isn't possible.

i don't want to ever talk to anybody again.
i want to be a mute.
i want to exist in my bed.
and i want to watch UFO shows on television.
and engage in eddy behaviors.