Stupid

I'm more or less writing this because im in a grouchy mood and i don't feel sleepy yet i'd really rather not be awake.

on facebook

people have the stupid fucking ideas.

example:

"Why Not...INBOX ONLY: 2010 is almost over. Confess something you have always wanted to tell me or ask me.(100% private) put this as your status, you might be surprised."

People post these things

because they are fishing for compliments. They are holding out hope in their heart that maybe they can get a little boost in self-esteem because maybe someone will send them a message telling of a secret year long secret crush said someone has been harboring for them.

Chances are that won't fucking happen

but you can always tell yourself

that maybe there is someone who has a secret crush on you.

maybe there are several people

but they don't have the guts to tell you.

why the fuck does the end of the year mean anything anyway?

Why would someone tell something someone just because it was the end of the year. it's not the last chance they'll have. they'll still have to deal with the consequences/lack there of consequences regardless of when said secret is told.

i mean

i could see if it was like

the end of the fucking world.

for your own sake, obviously, for closure before you die.

but then again if you don't get closure

you'll be dead soon anyway so you won't have to deal with it.

sometimes i just want to rip hopes like the above mentioned hope of a secret crush apart.

by sending a message to those people who are so obviously in need of attention and compliments even though they pretend like they're just bored

that is completley opposite to what they'd hoped for.

because it wouldn't be fucking bullshit.

that's all people interact with anyways. they all just go take piles and piles of bull shit, and smear it all over each other,

the doner flashing a grin that lacks any genuine qualities

and the recipient and grinning back.

you never know when to believe any compliments anymore because people are always giving my bullshit.

the only compliments i believe are ones that come out of no where.

like when me and kayla were sitting on the bench at kennywood

and two woman walked up to us.

they stopped just to tell us

that they thought we were absolutely gorgeous.

it was completely unprovoked and real.

the thing is though, i know i've done it.

i know everyone's done it.

and sure, i kind of resent myself for it.

because i shouldn't be getting any of my self esteem from anybody else.

i know that sounds like some kind of bullshit line they say at a bully assembly in 5th grade, but it's true.

it's stupid, because a human being.

i honestly think it is.

all off it.

all of it and the way it all works.

human being are stupid.

stupid stupid creatures, myself included.

i don't mean to say i don't like my race.

im probably one of the few people who can say genuinely that i really love humans.

because we're good, and we try our best, and make valiant efforts to deal with what we were given.

why the hell is it

that even when im home

there's always that reoccuring thought

"i want to go home"

the only time i don't feel that way is when im with you

because i don't need to go home

because im safe where i am

and im not scared

and i don't need to run away because you can protect me and shield me

and i can curl up in you

and plug my ears and close my eyes tight

and feel relieved.

i don't want to go to sleep but i don't want to be awake.

i don't want to wake up tomorrow

i don't want to be here

i don't want to be there

i don't want to be anywhere

i don't want to be.

unless it's with you

because with you

i don't have to be.

i can escape myself.

i love you. i want to crush myself up in to little bits and fuse with you

so we can be two times as big as we are now

and we can reach some kind of transcendence and knowing and wisdom and understanding and we can reach that cosmic enlightenment that makes us feel ok.

i just wanna go home.

i just wanna be with YOU

Transcendence

what i really want

is to pour porclean over top of everything.

i want everything to be soft, and pure, and cozy and close forever

and i don't ever want to move again

or get out of bad

or do anything at all

if it isn't curling up next to you.

i want everything in the world to stop.

i want everything to be covered in a blanket of snow so heavy

we can see

we can't move

we can't hear

we can only be

and with you

that's all i would ever need.

my heart would swell

and i would smile

and an effusion of disbelief, and thankfullness, and laughter would pour fourth out of my mouth

and i'd clutch you forever

and laugh

and laugh

and laugh

because you are all the good things in the world

i want you

to overtake me

i want to immerse myself in you and disappear.

i want to feel my atoms comming apart

and merging with yours until there isn't even a me anymore

until i no longer am

until all i am is pure happiness.

pure goodness.

pure bliss.

pure good.

pure.

you.

i love you so much

and everytime i kiss you

i feel like i take with me from you redemptive energy that washes over my body

and replaces all the negativity in me

little

by little at a time.

i want to kiss you now.

i want your sweet sweet mouth

and your sweet sweet skin and your sweet sweet soul

and i want to fall asleep inside of it

cushioned in glowing

warm white light

wrapped in quiet, and safe forever.

please let me come be with you.

i don't know a damn thing and i like it that way.

remember that tree we sat under?

the one behind the benches at the park?

it's gone now,

and it isn't just due to the fog.

they tore it down

and now they're pouring concrete over our memories

but it's ok i guess, because that way,

any of our germs that remained there

can be physically frozen in time.

i listen to my feelings.

feelings are nothing, feelings are something

just like matter

meaningless or meaningul;

decided by stupid creatures that listen to themselves

there is only one feeling im ok with having.

i love feeling you.

not just physically.

i feel that i have added an emotion to my personal emotional spectrum

and it's name is your name.

i don't want this year to end.

i miss you already.

and i love you

because you're beautiful all over.

come kiss me.

when you're hungry
you have to starve

when you're satiated
you have to eat

when you're cold
the gass is off

and when you're warm
the sun keeps getting closer
and closer.

did you know the moon is getting farther away?
if nothing else ends the human race, that fact along definitely will.
it's slowing us down
and there's really something very exciting about that but i can't quite get a fix on it.
the strangest things excite me
things that put existence in to perspective
things that make me feel alive
and make me want to die
just so i can laugh at myself for ever thinking i was a force to be reckoned with.
i don't mean that in a suicidal way, i mean it in the sense that
it's so exciting to me that i could be so easily destroyed
and yet somehow, my fragile little frame is so perfectly constructed that i'm incredibly efficient.

these relativity light sticks that hold up snail sludge we call muscle, form together with all these incredible compounds to somehow make a "person" with "consciousness" and it's just so exciting and funny to me that i'm so breakable-
that we're all so breakable
and yet our worlds are so small, and focused, and used to being what we've always been,
that no one even stops to realize how fragile we are.

the world is not the earth of which we live
i think it's more of a symbolic term that means "everything we are aware of".
i try to keep things in perspective.
and i try not lose myself focusing on the important things in my world
but i'm a human being, and i need to learn to be ok with that.

on another note it has come to my attention as of late

that i do not know how to be the kind of friend that many people who seek my friendship require me to be.

it could be that i'm entirely too focused on myself

or

it could be

that i genuinely lack the physically energy i would need

to put effort in to relationships.

they tire me

they bore me

and they're so difficult.

i don't have to work at the relationships with the people that fit me.

if i don't talk to these people for a couple of days

a couple of weeks

or a couple of months

they know i don't hate them.

they know i still enjoy their company.

and they know that i care about them even when i don't act like it.

a perfect example is my cousin vanessa.

she doesn't contact me for months at a time

and i don't contact her for months at a time.

we can talk seriously but neither of us really talk seriously with anyone for the most part,

so we generally don't.

i'm so close to her

and i only talk to her during the summer

but every time she comes in to town

i feel just as close to her as i always have.

another prime example is this ridiculously wonderful boy

who i want to talk too all the time;

who doesn't wear me out;

who isn't an effort to be with or talk too;

who i can be completely comfortable with

and content with

instead of being two downers.

i have the hiccups for the 3rd fucking time today

and i miss the most wonderful boy in the world.

i'm ill,

i'm miserable and i just want to be with him.

why is it almost 1 o'clock?

HAHAHAHAHA

this is so silly.
im done :)


i love you ♥

did it ever occur to you

THAT THE THINGS I WRITE IN MY BLOG AREN'T FUCKING ABOUT YOU?

you think i care so much about you

but you're the one assuming the things i write about are about you when they aren't you fucking crazy bitch.

it's a little sad.

the things i said in my blog were directed at ME

i was telling mySELF i didn't need it anymore you dumb fucking cunt.

why the fuck are you even reading my blog?

i don't read yours.

in fact i wouldn't have even seen your stupid fucking blog

if i hadn't been clued in by a so called friend of yours.

I

dont care about

YOU

and this is the first and last time im ever going to reply to you, you petty little shit, because you're fucking worthless

and not worth my goddamn time.

live your fantasies about me stalking you elsewhere;

why the fuck would i want to waste my life away wishing i was some stupid little drowned rat looking cunt with no redeeming personality traits what so fucking ever.

AT LEAST I CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE

AT LEAST I CARE IF I HURT OTHER PEOPLE

AT LEAST I THINK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MYSELF TWENTY FOUR FUCKING SEVEN

and at least

i'm not angry at everything and everyone for no reason.

you're a self-pitying, pathetic, arrogant, egotistical little fucking bitch

but i love you

because i love everybody and im going to hope that one day

things will get better for you

just like i hope

for everyone who's unhappy

that things get better for them

because i have some fucking empathy.

because i would never want to make someone feel as shitty as i know some people can make others feel.

because i know enough about being a human

to know that it's unpleasant when people are unpleasant to me

and i wouldn't want to do to someone what i don't like having done to me

it's the golden fucking rule.

not because of religion--

because it makes sense.

___________________________

on another note,

i will always love you, girl

and i have a feeling you hate me now

but i don't hate you.

i think we really did just grow apart

and thats OK because it happens in life.

i don't want any bad blood and i want things for you

to be as perfect as you can make them be.

hey go

i miss you.

come be here.

you're the only one i trust.

because i don't have to put any effort in to it.

i want to sing. i want to sing.

i want to take a nap.

i don't want to make chicken, or to eat anything

and i don't like mint gum as much as i like fruity gum and all my mountain dew's gone

and i have to pee

and i'm so glad i don't have to put any energy in to that one thing anymore because it was really just too much.

i want to go back to art class and make something beautiful.

i want to eat eat eat eat eat eat eat.

why

why don't you just stop it?

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO SHOVE DOWN

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO METAPHORICALLY PURGE FROM YOUR SYSTEM.

YOU ARE FINE AND YOU DON'T NEED IT YOU FAT FUCK.

i miss you.

i love you.

but you;

you're horrible.

you could never comprehend how sorry i am.

i don't want this tot be my year again.

i want to grab the wheel

and veer back twords the road instead of

off of the cliff.

i was heading to your birthday party

and my birthday party

where we would smile and laugh and celebrate out lives

i wasn't heading to your funeral

or my funeral

and i'm not dreading the end of the journey anymore.

why are my wheels still tilted to the left?

my fingers are shaking and i can write this because

there's nothing left in me.

i emptied out my tank of gas again

so i could go.

somehow it doesn't seem like that makes much sense.

i sold my car for gas money.

i know you're crazy and an enabler

but i need your help cottonhead.

i need your help to avoid alpha and omegas lighting bolts.

i don't want them to hate me

and you can help me

if you can help her destroy herself.

you can help me better myself

if you can help her destroy herself.

if i could always be with you

and if we could always be lying with our faces to the sky

reflecting us like a mirror

so i could watch you kiss my neck and gaze at me

i think i would always be ok.

why

am i such a piece of shit?

why am i such a little piece of fucking garbage.

what are you doing?

WHY?
STOP IT WHAT THE FUCK YOU PROMISED YOU ASSHOLE

it IS a moral lapse.

i hate myself

the problem is

i'm curious about a lot of things.
i'm curious about a lot of people.
i remember the names of my brother's classmates from 3rd grade in Catholic School.
i'm fascinated by the specimen that is the human being.
it's not that i want to know everyone or talk to everyone
but its fascinating to me to look at people the way we look at other animals.
i like to see how people react to things
and i like to see how people deal with things
and i like to see who they present themselves as
and interpret the things they say.
i'm not ashamed
and i'm not afraid
but i did creep out someone today from elementary school
((thus the basis for this blog))
because of course
although i remembered them,
they didn't remember me
and they seemed pretty annoyed and asked if i was stalking them or something
but the truth is i stalk pretty much everyone, especially people I'm trying to figure out after not seeing them for a while.
i like puzzles.
especially ones that literally CANNOT be put together.
i like to see what i can make without the right pieces.
it's a pastime or something. anyone elementary school person, i'm sorry.

the insides

of my nostrils
will permanently smell like stomach acid.
5 years ago i said it would only be a one time thing...

i really think you ought to go away now.
I'm happy and i don't need you anymore.
why am i so afraid?
why am i so terrified of everything?
of being and believing?

I'm tired of occupied Wednesday nights,
and telling people I'm not allowed to do anything
because I'm too embarrassed to be in public.
I'm tired of pretending it isn't there
and I'm tired of it always getting in my way when I'm trying to have a good time like a normal person.
I'm tired of it being a part of my life.
And I have been forever
I just really don't know how to stop.

im ewwkee.

i really don't think you know how much
it feels like i'm in love with you.
i don't even know what that means.
i don't know if that means anything to be completely honest
and i don't think i ever will

but i'm not worried about what it is.
all i care about is how this feels.

i feel like laughing at myself for being petty
and like laughing at everyone else for being petty
and like nothing could hurt me because you help me open up the knowledge I've always had
that i can be strong.

i can't wait until you come back.
i can't wait to see you
and touch you
and hear you
and watch you smile
and laugh and talk and move your hands.

you're the best person that every happened to me.






"Well this is, and Rhoda, no disrespect, but um, this is total shit. Go for it? You can do it? That's not inspirational that's suicidal! If pickles goes for it right there that's a dead cat. Lies, were liars think about it, why do people buy these things? It's not because they wanna say how they feel, people buy cards cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Lets level with America at least let them speak for themselves right I mean look, look. What is this, what does this say? "Congratulations on your new baby." How bout "congratulations on your new baby, guess that's it for hanging out, nice knowing ya." How bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this ones going. Yup "Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I love you." Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I'd eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help"

it's ok

i love you.
i really do.
i want to hold you all in my hands and cry and say sorry and take care of you
and take you in the back yard
and make you peanut butter crackers
and do everything that makes you happy.

why.

I AM HAPPIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

ffdsfdfdsf

i can see myself disintegrating in to dust
and being blown in a hundred and seventy seven- no, a hundred and seventy eight- directions.
i'm perching on top of sand dunes, and i'm stuck between brown toes that trod to God's first born lump of land. i'll get to fall out of sandles at the centre of the world, or get stuck between some camel's big teeth, unbeknownst to even him.

i don't remember ever feeling all of myself at one time

but you make me come together
and suddenly, all i know is that every single tiny little grain of sand that makes up my being is ok.
i said i'd never let anybody be the glue that holds me together, and i still have no intention of letting you. but i can't help it if it all comes back to center whenever your around
and i can't help it if i like that
and if i like you.
you're the type of person that can make me forget about everything.
not many people are that captivating to me.
in fact, i don't remember anyone ever being that captivating to me.

i like when you talk
because you make me laugh, and you're interesting, and you're genuine, and you have such a nice voice, and the structures of your sentences make me happy.
i like when you laugh, and when you smile, and move your hands, and make faces, and apologize, even when there's nothing to apologize for, and the way you're so nice, and loyal
and not even willing to fuck over a friend.

but YOU
i'm begging YOU
not to play on his loyalty.
i'm begging YOU to please, just let me be happy.
YOU said yourself you never loved me.
We haven't been we, for so long now, and I know that I've grown healthier because of it.
Don't do this to me, i'm begging you.
Stay out of my life, like I'd intended, when I put this to an end.

RIP

you dress like tom
and i want to cry.
i want to cry because you dress like tom.
i want to cry whenever you smile
and whenever you laugh, and whenever you breathe
and talk
and move
and stare with your little boy eyes.
i want to smile and act ridiculous and giddy and annoying and enamored beyond belief because I am
giddy and annoying and enamored beyond belief.

really, i don't think you're endearing enough.
i'm not dead yet.

why am i so great
at convincing myself that i'm crazy?
why am i so good
at convincing myself that i am
that insane girl that drives people away with her intensity;
that insane girl that scares people away;
that boring girl that people are momentarily enchanted with;

that girl that you have a crush on one day
and wake up the next morning going
"wow she's actually starting to annoy the fuck out of me"/"wow she's kind of obnoxious"/"wow she's really repetitive"/"wow she's really uninteresting"/"wow she talks a lot for someone with nothing to say"/"wow she has really low self esteem and that isn't very appealing"

i can feel myself sabotaging everything in my life.

and it's really getting tiring.

hey

i like you.

feeee

feel shitty.
but that's pretty unimportant.
i like to complain and talk about how i don't feel ok
and say i'm not feeling bad for myself.

there really is no reason for my mood.
ever.
i'm just never satisfied, and it's probably all my fault, but i really don't know how to be satisfied.
i honestly don't go in to things expecting them to be boring or stupid or unstimulating.
It's just that everything ends up making me feel that way even though I feel like I'm not in a closed minded state of low expectations.

i mean, it really doesn't feel like it,
but i feel like how i feel is all my fault.
i should change it, but when i try to smile and let things go
i end up getting this feeling in my stomach like i'm going to throw my intestines up.

still
it's all my fucking fault for being such a hard to please complanitory little bitch.

woke up this morning

and the first thing i started to think about
was how
when i was little, it really confused me
when people used the word "itch"
to both describe a sensation
as well as the action to counter said sensation.

why isn't there a word besides "scratch"
to substitute the word "itch" here meaning to take action to counter the sensation of an "itch"
scratch sounds like someone's taking a metal hair pick
and scratching open their skin repeatedly until it's all bloody and gross.

i don't know why the fuck i was thinking about that
because it's really stupid and something that i thought about as a child, but i did
and i wanted to write about it.

in other news
my cat won't leave me alone anymore.
i love him more than just about anything.
i don't know what his problem is; maybe he's dying
but i don't think so
and i don't even want to entertain that thought
so i'm just gonna assume
he's just really grown to be attached to me over the past 8 years.
he goes upstairs with me, lays with me all night,
follows me downstairs in the morning,
sits on my lap whenever i sit down, follows me when i leave the room
and lays with me when i lounge lazily on the couch.
right now,
it's kind of hard to type, because he's on my lap but also on my arm and i don't want to move him because he's purring and soft and really comfortable.

this is what i want

i want to sit around
and listen to the Mountain Goats and Benjy Ferree
i wanna discuss my philosophy on life, and existence.
i want to watch documentaries and physics lectures and and laugh a lot.
i want you to know i feel the way you do.
i want you to know that i know you don't' want me too
and don't believe i do
because really
i guess i don't.

i want to starve
and kiss
and sleep
and lay
and puke
and starve
and kiss
and sleep
and lay
and puke

and watch movies, and read books; the good kinds, not Twilight, or Judy Blume.
i want to research things and talk for a little while and feel passionate.

what the fuck am i talking about?
i don't even know you.
you aren't even real.

i still think you're pretty though.
in my mind at least, you're very wonderful.
even though i've never met you,
and i don't even know if you exist.

i want to feel ok with you.

In the Country Side, You have to Abide

i keep feeling like every little thing everyone says anywhere is directed at me, and it makes me so angry for a couple of reason.

#1.
It's assumptive. I'm acting like everyone is concerned enough with my existence to make snide remarks to me or about me, even though in reality, i know they don't. I'm not saying that like "hohumnoonelovesme". I'm saying it like, i'm really not a huge part of most people's lives, just like i don't want to be.

#2.
I know why it is i keep thinking that everything negative that anyone says is about me. Because I'm paranoid. I'm so afraid of being all of those things.

#3.
I don't know why I'm terrified of being thought of in any way, because I really don't feel like I care what other people think. I'm just afraid of letting myself down, and since i have this goal of being nice,
this goal of treating humans with respect and dignity- the way i know it feels good to be treated- it means i'm failing if i'm not what i think i should be.

in effect, other people's opinion of me, makes me introspective, and i start feeling like i'm not doing what i set out to do, because that's just how i feel when i'm introspective.

#4.
I realize that I'm very complanitory and it's so very upsetting to me, because I never mean to be. I really just get frusterated with a lot of things; things i feel are wrong, and i don't know how to change it.


today, i walked to noble manor, bought a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew at shop and save,
and three pack of trident gum at rite aid,
a six inch sub,
and this really incredible medallion necklace thing.
i threw up last night at 3 in the morning, and hadn't eaten all day
so when i took a swig of that mountain dew,
i felt like it was burning a whole in my esophagus.
it was the kind of painful where you lose the ability to think rationally, and you start going
"oh my god, what if i'm dying? what if i did some internal damage that i'm unaware of?"

my mom and dad's 20th anniversary is today, and it makes me sad.
i don't know why, it just does. i feel like what they have is impossible for anyone to have
and like they just got really lucky.
i mean, sure, people stay married for 50 years and longer
but i wonder if they really still like each other after the first couple of years.
or if they're just kind of really great friends with the person, and occasionally engage in recreational intercourse.
maybe the all of married life, after the honeymoon period, is being deprived of that blissful feeling of enchantment you get when you're with someone in the beginning.
i think it's so shitty that that has to go away. i don't want it too, and i wish it wouldn't, and i hope i can find somebody who i feel enchanted with for all of my life.

today, i was looking for shirts in the thrift store, and i was getting really frustrated.
i like a lot of the clothing i found, but the thing is, things always manage to look very terrible on me,
despite how attractive they are off of me.
it's because i have boobs that are too big, and barely any hips.
when i go clothes shopping, i always end up leaving wishing that i was tiny.
wishing that i had tiny little bones, and a tiny little body, and tiny little feet, and hands, and ankles, and legs.

today i had a conversation, and during this conversation
i could relax a little because everything the other person was saying was everything i've been thinking.

i'm trying to feel alive.
i'm trying to feel excited about life.
i'm trying to feel the euphoria of simply being alive, and i can't because the world i'm living in is getting in my way.
i feel so helpless;
and i keep tyring to think of ways i can get away from it.
thinking of ways to fix whatever is making me so uncomfortable.
but i can't even put my finger on what exactly it is that i'm missing.
the closest i can come, is imagining a field like this:




i know it's very cliche, but if i was in a dress,
a very flowy one, that was white, and my hair was down, and i had no makeup on
and there was a lake near by, and i was laughing with someone about something very silly
and i felt like i was just being beautiful and miraculous with the rest of the world in it's incredible existence...
i feel like i could be ok. If i could just focus on how grateful i am, and how astonished i am, that i have consciousness
even if i don't understand it.

"I am getting so far out one day I won't come back at all."

once, i said

"i'm always underestimating my body's ability to use emotions
to make petty things seem ever so important.
it does it practically all the time. and i'm a hypocrite because i hate petty things and conversations"

i still feel that way
but in a sense that doesn't make sense
because everything may or may not be petty.
my problem is, i don't even want to run the risk of being petty
which in itself could be petty

so in effect, i don't want to be human, or alive
which is stupid, and ridiculous,
and i an expectation I've given myself for reasons i don't understand.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

When i walked outside, it wasn't raining. The air was dry, the wind blew gently through the desperate reaching limbs of trees, and the ground was covered in berries that'd fallen from the same exact arms that now waved gracefully at the clouds above.

It wasn't raining when i walked outside;

But as i stepped down off of the curb, and began to move across the cracking, pothole ladden street, i noticed that silently, falling around my shoes and on to the street below me, there were appearing tiny droplets of a liquid that glimmered mysteriously in the overcast light provided by the sun.

Out of habit, I turned my head up towards the sky, and waited to feel the beads of water droplets fall in to my open eyes. But when the liquid continued to drop around me, and no rain splashed against the membrane of my corneas, i looked hurriedly to my hands in confusion.

Where was it coming from? Was something leaking in my bag?
Usually the source of such anomalies can be found within moments, and the confusion I was experiencing at the hands of this mysterious liquid was mounting.

I couldn't think of an explanation for it's presence until I finally stopped to take a good look at my fingers.

At first, I figured I must have been hallucinating. After all, everything I was witnessing went against the laws of nature themselves. Liquefied flesh? Droplets of skin, milky with the color of my body, falling away from me, and hitting the ground below? It couldn't be. There had to be some sort of logical explanation.
Maybe I'd managed to contaminate my hands with some acidic chemical.
Maybe I was dreaming, and would wake up to find my fingers whole, and solid, just as they had been when I had lain down to fall asleep.

But I wasn't waking up. And as the moments continued to pass, more and more of me began splattering away on to the asphalt below as I gazed down at the puddles in horror and disbelief. I couldn't tell if it was my imagination, as the droplets began becoming more steady, turning in to a stream of liquid pouring out much faster than it initially had, nor did I know whether or not to believe it when the droplets began falling from further and further up my arms,
and from my face,
and from my legs.

My heart was beating so heavily i couldn't even hear myself muttering in denial.
Panic was taking hold, and my mind began racing, as I began running.
Back across the street, I sprinted on wobbly legs that splattered the ground with the fluid as I went.
I was beginning to loose feeling in my body, and it was taking everything i had in me, just to continue running.
My hands bare, and my bones peeking out, dripping the same exact liquid that had been falling from my flesh
and i was slipping around in my shoes, on top of my slimy, disintegrating feet.
I was tingling all over, and my body continued to drip away like wax from a candle. I don't know if I was crying, or if my eye balls were simply melting out of my head because my whole entire body was sopping now, as i crumbled to the floor of my house, with the painful awareness that i was coming more and more apart; getting further and further away from myself; becoming more and more impossible to put back together.

I could smell the flesh, and I gagged. Heaving, i sent warm acid up my esophagus, and stared out at the shapes of organs turned decayed and shapeless in the puddles in which my face was now dripping. I could feel myself growing closer to the floor. Feel as I was spread thinner and thinner amongst the cracks of tiling, intermingling with the vomited organs and acid. My legs were gone. My arms were gone. My head was gone. And My torso was gone. I tried to scream, but I couldn't do anything except feel the cold floor all over my being. My form was gone. I had no figure and I was I was no figure.
No shape.
No thing,
but just puddles.
A sick pool of degenerated waste, bubbling in erosion and seeping in to the corners with the drywall,
never letting go of the figure that was me.

i feel like typing is a lot quicker than writing manually, even though i prefer writing manually.
i hope nobody reads this thing, except the people i'm ok with reading it.

the idea of maturity really just bothers me.
how can anyone know what goes on inside anyone else's head.
i mean, you can use the things people say and do and how they talk to try to get a gauge,
but thoughts, and words, and actions are can be entirely disconnected.

and who's to say what is mature and what isn't.
i've harped on this before, so i'm not going to do it again, it's just been on my mind quite a lot lately.

not terribly important, but present. I really like Jack Kerouac.
i always have this feeling of restlessness, and discomfort.
like i'm without something that i really can't be without and i never know what it is.
i just keep shaking my leg impatiently. feeling edgy. like i'm waiting to leave a party that somebody dragged me too. i want to go home.
and i want somebody i can cling too.
somebody i can base my life around, because i'm just a baby
and i want my nanny around all the time.

i'm going to become perfectly angelic in everything i do.
what i mean is, i'm not going to do anything that is in the slightest way "wrong".
i already don't do what i consider "wrong"
but i'm going to stop doing things my parents think are wrong, even though i'm not sure what will and won't be thought of in a negative light.
i think it'll make life easier on me, actually. i won't like it, but i've made things so difficult for myself by doing what i believe in, so i'm just going to lie down, and let the freight train roll over me. Until i leave.
which will be very soon.

SHUT UP SO COMPLANITORY

i really want to say thank you for giving me that closure.

i really want to wrap my hands around your throat, and squeeze so hard, your wobbly, wrinkled, fleshy neck just seeps out through the cracks in my fingers. i think you're the only one i can be completely uninhibited with, you precious old bat. you and that fucking jim henson puppet that walks around. but you don't understand.

i can't picture my life without this. i cling to it. i want it. i want it to lead me down the left path. i want to die because i this. don't you think i know that's wrong? don't you think i wish i didn't want that so much? i do. i really do. but i do want it, and i don't want to fight it. when i was laying on that couch, and you were talking in to that tape recorder, i wanted to cry, because i couldn't even picture a life without it. i've never been fulfilled on my own. i've never felt ok on my own. this is all i have. when i was laying on that couch, and you were talking in to that tape recorder, i kept thinking about how i wanted to reach over and grab the huge pillow behind me, and reassure it, like it was the angel of decay you're trying to rid me of. it's the only one that cares about me. it's the only one that nourishes me whilst simultaneously destroying me. i know everyone hates me and thinks i'm crazy and that i want to be this way. i do. but that's just the angel talking, and she's gotten so loud, and she's stroked my hair, when i cried myself to sleep too many times. she knows that if i die, that's what i need. that's what i want. i know you're all angry, and i'm sorry. the last thing i would ever want to do is hurt anyone of you. but this is the way i know how to live. and if it kills me, i'm glad, because then, i'll have eternal relief, instead of intermittent moments of solice.

maybe i'm just having a bad time. i really desperately want to live. i want to be happy, and ignore my stupidity, and be in awe over my own beauty; the beauty that comes with being a part of the world, because it's so incredibly mind boggling to me. but i can't do that. so this is how i'm living instead, because no one will let me be the way i want to be. i'm a fish born out of water, and all i can do is harvest some oxygen out of urine, pissed out from Hobos.

dear everything,

i miss you.
i want you all back.
every little thing.

Hahahaha

it never ceases to amaze me
when someone i never even thought of as male
requests sex with me.

hilarious.
and sad making.

oh, hi.

you're sick.
your nails are falling out, and sticking to your feet
because the skin on them are disintegrating due to confusion.
it's hard to remember what gravity is supposed to feel like
when you defy it so very often.

but i'm used to it by now,
so my eyes glaze over,
and get covered in sugar or salt of something so i can't even see
and it's easier that way.

you know
a year after that fuckin crock bit my leg off
it was pretty much all i thought about
but i've gotten used to this prosthetic leg
and now it's just goddamn boring.

thank you for talking to me the other day.
i really miss the hell out of you darling.
i forget to let myself be happy sometimes, and you remind me of all those wonderful times we had.
jackie said
if i don't go to college right after school though,
i'll have to pay for it.
i don't know what to do though.
i'm really torn, because i never felt more at peace with the future
then i did when we talked about me leaving.
it was the first time that panicky feeling left my chest, and i felt like i could breathe.

i want something to love.
this is all very boring.

i will never truely be happy

i'm not doing this anymore.
i'm going to find a way to feel the way i want too.
even though i don't know what that feeling is.

i'm tired of the same relentless longing for another one.
that's the only feeling i have.
sometimes, i wish i knew how to help myself better.
sometimes, i wish i'd realize, that there's no help needed, and therefore, none to give.

i wish somebody would know more than somebody else.
but it seems like it never works that way.
it seems like nobody knows anymore than anybody else.

houstin, we have a problem

today, i met a boy named houston.
he was a traveling hipster kid
and when i walked past him and his band of goons
he told me i was cute.

i told him he was cute too, because he was.
i liked so much that he said that and continued to say that every time i happened to be near
because all the time
i feel like shouting out to people that they're cute
and would like it so much
if everyone in the world
just shouted out and told the person
whenever they found someone cute.
it makes everyone feel great.

but then i guess
you'd probably feel really bad if no one ever called it out and said it to you
because people wouldn't be afraid to do that in this world if they really thought you were cute
and then
you'd think you were ugly.

but i think everyone's cute.
what i mean is, everyone's endearing to me.
appealing to me in a small way.

i hugged him. because he said "come over here and give me a hug"
i love hugging people.
it was wonderful.
he told me he loved me and i told him i loved him
and both of us meant it
because both of us really do love everybody.

yeah, i know i'm fucking immature;
but so is everyone else in the world, so i'm not worried about it.
how do you know if you're mature enough
to be able to properly recognize maturity?

i need easiness.
i'm too tired to do this right now.

Before I Die

I want to have had millions conversations with millions of people.
Not just any conversations though.
Conversations that make them feel better.
Conversations that allow them to feel passionate about something with another person.
Conversations that make their mind race, and their hearts soar.
Conversations where those feelings are felt by both participants simultaneously.

my thighs are so red and hot
and my back stings,
and i have so many bruises and cuts on my legs.
my hair is so curly
my face is all freckled.

i feel so happy
and i've never wanted to leave this place any more in my entire life.
i feel so good.
and i know that if i just left, and kept going in the sun, forever
i'd find what i was looking for. maybe what i'm looking for is everything.
maybe i have a hunger to see more and more and more and more.
i'd canoe down rivers and stub my toes on rocks
and ride the currents in crisp clean water
surrounded by huge mountains.

i want somebody to love.
somebody to really love.
somebody i'm so in awe over
someone so incredible and heart breakingly perfect
that every time i see them
i think "how the fuck did i get so lucky?"

i want that person to feel the same way about me.

and then...
i want to wander forever.

my brothers are at pizza hut.
i'm not because i'm not hungry, and because Ryan hates me.
i cried about it, and he didn't care, which was good, because i didn't want him just to care out of pity. he read my last blog, and knew part of it was directed at him.
i was supposed to be a good sister.
but i'm not.

i never realized until yesterday
how paranoid i am.
how nervous everything makes me.
i never thought of myself as a nervous person.
but the more i think about it, the more everything makes me uneasy.
i thought, that i'd somehow magically started a fire in the forest today on accident.
as i was walking home,
a big red fucking fire engine turns up the street, and heads towards the park. i don't know if it went there or not, but i almost had a heart attack. and i started thinking about how they would find me DNA there, and pin me for it.
i felt like everyone was watching me, and i didn't know it.
like everyone was in on the fact
that all the authorities are after me.
that they were all told not to say anything.
i'm afraid of leaving my house.

sure sounds like a guilty conscience, doesn't it?
the funny thing is, if i think logically, i can't think of anything I've done wrong.
but then i start wondering if i did something really terrible that i'm just not remembering.
maybe i did something really terrible that i didn't know was wrong.
maybe i did something really terrible that i'm in denial about.
maybe i did something really terrible, and i just didn't know it.

i hate you. and it's good because you hate me. actually, i hate you because you hate me.
anything i say, you'll figure out a way to hate, even if you wouldn't have hated it
had it come from somebody else.

I'm so endlessly tired of being a receiver.
I'm so endlessly tired of holding the roof over his head.
Arbitrary anger; i yell at you about it. I tell you to stop, and you don't because you can't, and I shouldn't, because i know what it's like.
i miss you.
i want everything back.
i keep telling myself to wait it out.
but this haunted house in longer than i thought.
and i'm not getting used to all the ghosts that keep popping out from behind the walls.
even still, i know it isn't an option. and i know, that even if it was, i wouldn't go back.
i never wanted to hurt you. but because of who i am, you were hurting me without ever even knowing it. i wish you could have changed- but i know i wouldn't have allowed it. i wish i could ignore that part of you. but the truth of the matter is, i can't. so i had to hurt you. just once. for the last time. i didn't mean for it to feel this way. i didn't mean for it to matter.
i'm always underestimating my body's ability to use emotions
to make petty things seem ever so important.
it does it practically all the time. and i'm a hypocrite because i hate those conversations.
the least you can do is be ashamed of how petty you are.
i mean honestly
i don't want to hear it anymore. any of it. i don't want to hear about her ever again.
and i want you to just fucking stop it.
you're stronger than this, and you're in denial. you are still holding on.
GET ANGRY. why won't you get fucking angry. the problem is you keep running back to her. keep contacting her. you try again and try again and try again and try again but you never realize that there's a difference between caring and being a fucking doormat, boy. if she contacts you, don't fucking answer. some people are just so fucked up, that in their attempts to reach out, they just end up fucking everybody else up in the process, just like a goddamn infectious disease.

I wish you'd just disappear, Mr. Bear. Take your honey, and save it for somebody who likes it. I love that you want to share it with me. I love that you have good manners and treat me right. But I don't want your honey, so please, just stop sending me jars in the mail. Stop wanting to send me jars in the mail. You're breaking my heart, and it isn't fair that I'd have to break yours just because you think i should have some of that famous glossy syrup. Why can't I just fucking like it? Why can't I just want some fucking honey. I don't want to lose you Mr. Bear. But if I don't take your honey soon, I think I could.

I want to go home.
I keep thinking that
and then I realize
that I already am home.
and then i really just don't know what to do.
i feel so panicky and nervous and trapped and lost.
i have no idea what's going on inside of my own fucking head.
it's all just a bunch of static, and it's killing me.

i never realized

how much i repeat myself.
















i repeat myself a lot, i realized.




















i'm very redundant.





oh ha. ha. ha.

i lie all the time, but i mean well.
i mean, i lie because i mean well.
if i knew what i was saying, i would elaborate
but i don't so i'll elaborate on how i can't elaborate.

i remember not knowing.
all i knew was that i didn't know
and i couldn't know
but i needed to know.
i felt like i'd already lost you.
there you were, almost lifeless- bandaged and drugged
missing parts of you you didn't even realize you'd had.
i thought you'd die that day
but you didn't.
you died last night
when you woke me up in the middle of the night
and said goodbye to me.
i'm losing you.

don't you remember dancing in the kitchen?
don't you remember me crying for you?
it was never easy to face the facts about your father
it was never easy because it drove a wedge between us
that i never felt was even there.

i don't know why i thought
that somebody could help me.
that somebody could navigate for me.
how could they?
i haven't had a solid thought in years and it's up to me to fix it.
i just don't want to put the effort in.
i don't want to face reality.

this is all just some huge charade i made up in my mind
so i could live inside delusions
and never open up my eyes
to what i don't want to see.

as people continue to bow their exists though
it's being dwindled; whittled away
and soon
all of the characters i was using to keep this fantasy in line
will no longer be around to be the players in my theater.

how am i going to open my eyes?
how am i going to pick at the hot-glue
dried in little droplets seeping frozen from my lids
without bleeding and deforming?
they won't even be the same.
even when the blood crusts over
and scabs
and then heals
this disfigurement is something i will fight against
and fuck against.
no more selfpitying soliloquys.
stand up,
break you legs bitch
and walk a few miles.
then tell me how it feels.

listen up

it's so cute
the way you think of Lily's Purple Plastic Purse when you say that.
I hate to say it
because I hate you a whole lot
but i also like you
and want you to feel like you're the most wonderful thing it the world.
i just hate that you want that.
but you do. don't kid yourself, kid. you definately do.
you have some ego about you that isn't even natural,
and you can try to fight it off all you want
but you're only going to be fighting against yourself.
sometimes i wonder if anything you do is done because you like it
or because you're trying to be different or impressive or unique.
it seems that way
but it might just seem that way
because i'm afraid that's what it is.
you say you don't care about anyone's oppinion.
and you've told me it doesn't feel like you do.
but who are you really trying to convince, baby girl? the only things i really think you like
are dimples
and feeling like you're profound even though you know you never will be.
and you hate that you want to feel profound, but you do,
so you pretend.
all you ever want to do is lay around in a fantasy world all day
your eyes glazing over
at everything that just exists.
it's stupid, and no way to be fulfilled as a human being.
it's not an option, therefore, it should not be a craving.
and when i mean, it's not an option, i mean it's fucking not possible.
so just fucking stop it. just stop already, for christ's fucking sake, just fucking stop it.
i mean, why do you care so much?
you don't want to be played for the fool?
who cares; everyone else is too, in that case.
and the only reason you don't want too
is because you want to feel like thoughts can have meaning
it's because you WANT something profound, and you can't have it BECAUSE you're a human being
and you only WANT
because you ARE a human being.
and that isn't going to change.

so unless you start looking at things the way other people do
you're never going to get what you want

start believing things that have all the potential in the world to be bullshit
because that's the only way for you in particular to get what you want.


but i know you.
you won't do it.
because you don't want too
and you'd rather go crazy.
stubborn bull headed fuck.

don't do that

don't fuck with me.
isn't is funny how one person's second favorite food
is another person's favorite?

i'm so sick of consuming

please.
just let me be.
i can't help anybody anymore,
and you're breaking my fucking heart, fella.

i shouldn't care at all
but there's acid burning my nose
and capsules full of sand weighing me down
because i'm starting to get concerned
that i'm just the flavor of the minute.

let's not be so mellow-dramatic girls.
we're all terribly similar
if you look at it like that.

i feel uncomfortable lately.
like how you feel when you wake up
before you've eaten.
your breath tastes nauseating
the inside of your cheeks where you bit them day before are raw
and so soft you can pull off slimy pieces of flesh by running your tongue over them a couple of times.
your neck hurts cause you slept wrong
and you had a really disturbing dream that you can't recall the details of.
it's darker everywhere, even inside for some reason
and you can smell lead, or paint from off of your walls.
your hands are smudged with something black, and your eyes are dry and sting.

what's hysterical

you and i are more alike than you could ever understand.

i am constantly tormented at the hands of my own mind.
DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO?
what's funny is
i act the way i do
because if i acted how i think

life would be a lot more difficult for me.

this is a long
horrible journey you're embarking on
and the ground falls away behind you with every step you take.
there is no turning back.

really? you're a fucking amateur.
see that?
this shit will make you crazy, and childish
over something you'll come to find out
you would rather DIE than have to deal with.

fucking woe-is-you
and fucking woe-is-me
how fucking pathetic are we?

I'm not as crazy as you might think.
but then again
that could just be the crazy talking.

I feel unable to be certain about anything.
I can't say
I can
or can't be certain,
because I feel as if I don't know

which i am also uncertain about.

I'd like to say that as opposed to being something in specific, I just am.
But it would appear (which means nothing) as though I deduced that with my mind.
and i don't trust my mind.
I don't even trust the lack of trust I have for my mind enough to believe
even
that any doubts i have about my mind
are or aren't legitimate.

I could say, and never feel sure, but instead accept it as a possibility
that I am but a compilation of strings
vibrating to make quirks
whose frequencies decide atoms
who's numbers decide elements,
who's combination's make up a human being.
Then, I could imagine my personality as being electric waves going on through elements that happen to make up a brain, whose trails were passed down from other elements from my mother and father, combined with influences from my environment, and up bringing.

science would point to that.
but science
again
is understood with one's mind
and i'm not so ready to accept that logic means any goddamn thing

why are we so ready to look away
from the possibility that everything our mind does
is to make us feel important
to trick us in to feeling comfort
to trick us likewise in to feeling that we understand.
because of the mechanisms of it's driving force; self-sustain

how can we know?

hahahahaha
i feel so shitty.
normally
when i get like this
i just go to my main vice, developed in 7th grade
because normally, it makes me feel better.
But I really don't feel much like engaging in it today, because I have a feeling that this time,
the benefits wouldn't out weigh the cons.
I really can't think of one thing that sounds in the very slightest way appealing.

And I mean, but absolutley nothing.
I can't stand everything.
Everything keeps giving me this very terrible feeling that I can't even describe
and I don't even know why.

It's really hard for me to explain, but I'm really going to try my hardest too,
because I can't handle it ping-ponging around in my head any longer.

See,
everywhere you go
there are people,
which I know is a very obvious thing to say
but I feel like I need to say it anyways.
So anyways,
a lot of the time,
you end up having these very long winded conversation with them, in which they say an innumerable number of things that are just everyday thoughts or topics for conversation.

For example:
"Technology is so advanced now"
"You should do something with you life that makes you feel like you've fulfilled a purpose"
"The Earth Holds organisms that are very impressive"
"The human mind is terribly complex"

Everything everyone says
they've processed through their brains.
They've come to conclusions about so many things;
used science, then used their minds to comprehend things without ever stopping to imagine, that maybe
the brain isn't good for that sort of thing at all.
Maybe, all it's good for is keeping us sustained.
Maybe it knows we need answers for many of us to continue to feel as though we can thrive
and so
we perceive that we've found answers
when really
there are no answers to be had.

Maybe no one questions it
because as a race
we're programmed to think that way; that our minds are unfaltering.
that it's crazy to think anything else, because our eyes and the comprehension center in our brain
tells us that that is so obviously not true.
After all, if we thought our brains were faulty,
everyone would go insane not knowing if what they're perceiving is or isn't just a perception.
The concept of solidified reality would be lost,
which would be bad for sustaining, as long as the rule generally remains that humans cling to the idea of order
in order to survive.

See, I'm not so sure it'd be a bad thing in all honesty.
Because bad and good and importance and unimportance all exist inside of a human beings mind.

I guess that's why I'm feeling so confused.
Because I don't believe or disbelieve in anything but at the same time
I do believe
that one can't know
if they can or can't know anything
which is just a contradiction in and of itself
so I'm stuck
because i don't like contradicting myself
but i also recognize that despite my displeasure at the fact,
i am indeed a human being
and for us
arriving at conclusions through deductive logic is the only means we have of comprehension.

Therefore, every thought I end up at
could very well be the product of a mind incapable of truly grasping any other idea than self sustain.

i know that some people
don't care if their brains are lying to them or not
because it's all they have
but for what ever reason
maybe it's genetics
and environmental factors
but i'm not ok with chancing being played by fool
because pride is in my nature whether i want it there or not.

i guess all of these thoughts is me trying to understand and put words to a lack of understanding so i can start living in a way that isn't ruled by the mechanical mechanisms of the one goaled humanbody.
But in that
I am serving that one goal-
self sustaint.

why is it that i even think
that as a human
not living in a way that's ruled by the mechanical mechanisms of the one goaled human body
is even possible.

i don't like that idea
mainly because
the way i see it
nothing anyone does is done for a genuine reason.
it's all done because of their nature.

But don't you see, I'm back to where I started;
i go to that conclusion with my mind
and I don't know if the mind is good for drawing conclusions like that

NOTHING IS
NOTHING ISN'T
NOTHING DOESN'T EXIST
NOTHING DOESN'T NOT EXIST.

It's all about humans and that's fucking it.

All we care about is this tiny little portion of matter in existence and we're unable to care about anything else because even the want to escape being human is all to benefit the human wishing it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What i really feel like doing is letting myself fall the fuck apart.
I'm tired of being inside of my head and trying to hold my sanity in line
when all I feel like doing is exploding into this shit spewing
body ripping, punching, screaming, kicking, thrashing episode of chaos.
An episode so chaotic, I lose my grasp on consciousness, reality, impossibilities, and sanity.
I can't even explain what I mean. More than anything, it's just this crazy visions I have in my head.

The other day, when my mom and I were waiting for a bus downtown, this really old looking foreign lady started talking to us.
She was so depressing.
She handed us these God Pamphlets
and started going on about God, and sinning, and the bible and whatnot.

She started telling us this really long story about God
and how everyone's a sinner,
and how people think heaven's dull
when really, it isn't.

You couldn't get her to quit, so my mother just sat there nodding here and there, smiling politely.
It was terrible.
You can't imagine how depressed it made me
I really thought I was going to be sick.
The thing is, people that go on about that crap are so excited about it.
Just listen to a missionary, or a Jehovah's witness doormen one day- they really are, and it's absolutely awful.

I know it shouldn't bother me, because at least it made her Happy;
But she was getting me so annoyed the way she was acting so certain about what she was saying.

She just kept talking with this all knowing secretive smile on her face, and you knew
that she knew
that other people didn't believe what she did,

but that that terrible smiled she had on her face was one of those very disturbing
smiles that said something like

"Poor poor unenlightened people. I'm so proud to be one of the enlightened ones to the way of the lord, and it feels so good to be opening their eyes to the way of God"

And that's the thing that really bothered me-
she genuinely believed that she had the right answer.

Why should I care?
She was fucking happy.
And she couldn't help it.
It wasn't her fault.
But it still annoyed me anyway, and that's what made me so sad.
Not to mention the fact that people that have their hearts set and certain on anything make me feel so goddamn sick, and sad, and confused.

-----------------------------------------------------------

the thing is
she's never felt so empty that social ideals have stopped mattering to her.
With me is though, social ideals don't even matter when I'm actually feeling decent either.
I just pretend they do to make my parents and society less difficult to deal with, which is absolutely terrible, but something I can handle ok,
at least for a little while.

My idea of success
and everyone else's idea of success
are two very different things and it's awful because it means I either disappoint everyone else, and do what will make me happy

(might i point out here that said happiness would be short lived due to everyone making life difficult for me
because of their disappointment that I'm not successful in their eyes)

or

i do what everyone else's idea of success is,
and feel like I've let myself down.

No matter what way I go, I'm screwed.

------------------------------------------------------------

To get my mind of things, I called up old Ryan, my big brother, and listened to him shoot the breeze for about 45 minutes. It actually calmed me down quite a bit.
He has quite a nice speaking voice, old Ryan does, and he can talk better than anyone else I know, about just about anything.

It was nice to listen to him talk about really easy to comprehend things for a while and I'm glad he didn't try to get me to talk because I couldn't have even if I'd wanted too.
I can never figure out what's actually going on inside of my head.
It's another one of those vision feelings.
This abstract visions in my head would be the only way I'd even begin to think of explaining how I'm feeling.

it rained a lot today

i dressed up really nice

i kissed, and posed.

i smiled and i smiled and i smiled

i bled in to your book

as i sat next to your brother

and imagined

that after this is lying in pieces on the ground

i'm gonna put that hook of my through his lips

sometimes, i think i let things become too serious

it's good that you don't care.

it's real.

it's healthy.

it's unjaded.

and i love you but i'm scared

because i love you

because this isn't too serious

i'm afraid you won't hesitate to hurt me

because you could

you have some power over me even though this isn't that serious to me either

even though

i don't Want you to have any power over me at all.

i walked home today in my bare feet

and it was the most ok i've felt in such a long time.

there water running down the hill in a little stream of rain water

and ever time i took a step,

there was this musical splashed that threw up beads of water on to my pasty looking legs.

i want to feel ok about everything

because nothing should bother me if i don't let it.

bugbites

on my thighs from sunday
hahahowironic
that i'm the one with the bugbites
when i was the one
doing the biting.
i'm not so sure this is going to work for me
getting what i say i want
and what i think is ideal
i been trained to sit in the third car
i don't like it, but it's much more comfortable
than sitting in that idealized first car

im not looking for answers anymore.
i'm looking for blue eyespuffy lips
soft hair
sunsunsun
being beautiful
and seeing beauty

nothing's got to be so serious.
somebody take frowns off of all those faces
with fists of smiles
haha haha!

thank you

for reminding me
because i needed that reminder.

this will never feel ok
because im not one of those people that gets one of those situations.

thank you for reminding me again
that's it's just a matter of time before this blows up in my face
because i was starting to think maybe it could go somewhere
but now I remember that what i've known all along;
it won't, no matter how much i want it too.

nothing can ever go anywhere.
i'm not happy.
i don't know why i sat there with you and felt so good because now,
i'm comming down off of the high,
i'm shaking like a madman

and i feel worse than ever

i'm not enough of a friend to myself to be gambling with my happiness.
i should never have blushed when you told me
what you told me that day
and i should have never even considered it
because now
i know what i'd be missing-

and i would miss it.

which is why i can't bring myself to light it on fire, and throw it in to the forest.

i dreamed last night that i watched two men being bludgeoned to death
it's all i can think about right now.
it's all i want to think about.
i feel like maybe
i won't ever do anything
ever again

i don't deserve this

i'm so fucking sick of wanting to drive a fucking screw driver in my head
i'm so fucking sick of feeling like some pathetic self pitying little fuck.

and what's worse
is you;
my metaphoric morphine
making me forget that this is going to destroy me
after ripping out that goddamn IV

thank you.

i just want to stop being in my head
nothing feels ok
my mind is racing so fast
and my therapist told me
i sound like i'm crazy.

and it scared me
because i don't feel crazy
i feel like i make sense
and crazy people go crazy
without ever even knowing what happened to them.
i feel all panicky, and angry.
i can't stand being around this
i can't stand being around you people
i can't stand hearing everyone having answers
because i don't have answers
and i don't have no answers
i just am
and i want everyone else to just be too
so everyone can stop being so serious
but im a hypocrite because
i don't know if i do/don't have any answers
oh my god i can't even think anymore
i want to die so badly.
i want to die more than anything else in the entire known existence of awareness. ohmygod. oh my god. oh my god.
all i want is a cigarette. i want a cigarette so bad. that's the only thing i feel like i could handle right. oh my god. jesus christ oh jesus christ oh my jesus christ and god all mighty god oh fucking jesus might fucking christ and fucking heaven jesus mother fucking jesus mother fucking christ and jesus mother fucking mary, jesus, and joseph, and mary help me help me help me please somebody help me.

i'm so fucking sick
of not wanting to do anything.
so sick of nothing sounding appealing
so sick of nobody sounding appealing
so tired of not being able to think of one thing
that will make me want to bash my head against the cement
or scream until my throat's all curdled with blood
any less.

all i want to do anymore
is smoke cigarettes.
i hate food.
i hate gum.
i hate soda.
i hate people.
i hate being at home.
i hate tv.
i hate writing.
i hate drawing.
i hate video games.
i hate walking.
i hate sitting.
i hate going places.
i hate being out.
i hate staying in.
i hate coloring.
i hate yoga.
i hate talking.
i hate not talking.

i want to wish i had something or someone but i fucking don't.
and i fucking haven't in so fucking long and it's terrible.
there's nothing to look forward too
because nothing gets my blood pumping anymore.
and if it does
i fuck it all up and ruin it for myself.

my problem is
even though i expect to be screwed over
i just can't help myself;
i give people the chance to do what I know they're going to do
and i honestly don't blame them because it's nobody's fault.

i only now realized
that i never got to sleep last night.

i'm very good

at making myself forget about this.
i do it practically all the time.
i minimize the shit out of it, for myself and for everyone else around me.

it makes most people uncomfortable
and i don't know how to talk about it
without feeling
like i sound like i feel bad for myself

so i end up talking really frank about it
like it's not really a problem-
but in all honesty, it dominates my life.
it IS a problem
and sometimes, when it hits me really hard like this in the face
i realize how completely and totally alone i am here.

every day is more difficult than i could ever explain.
i don't know how i got here.
i swear to god i don't.

all the time, i come back to the same redundant thought
and my mind races
as i sit by myself somewhere and try to figure out where
when
why
how
this became who i am.

none of you see me.
not ever.
because it's always there
and nobody knows it.

but it's such a huge part of my life
and has been
for the past
5 years of my life.

5 years.
can you believe that?
the sad part is, it's like a child.
the longer i have it around, the more i cherish it
and couldn't imagine life without it.
i want this gone, but i don't.
this is so terrifying.